Wednesday, January 14, 2015

CCR 01-14-15: Have To Pay To Play

the   Controversial  Committee   Report
“We don’t raise sacred cows...we just butcher them.”

   Tired of eating ‘rubber chicken’ dinners and having to listen to a politico blather ad nauseam and take credit for things they had little or no control over?  Want to actually gain some value, from an exorbitant ticket price, while indulging in this linguistic triage?

   Well, dear reader, you are in luck.  Send the CCR $100 for your official State of the Realm Address Lotto form and sit at home, in your jammies, to watch ICTNs airing of QueenB VDs annual NPD-cavalcade of her self-acclaimed "accomplishments" to keep the realm under her thumb.

   When you receive your official State of the Realm Address Lotto form, the instructions are easy to follow.  You have to be alert, pay close attention and keep track of your own score without looking on someone else's form.  Simple, isn’t it.  

   After completing your form, send it to the CCR for verification purposes after the January 29, 2015, address staged by the chamber of commerce.  The reader with the most correct responses not only will receive the entire money pool, less a 20% handling fee, but will be given season box seats in QueenB VDs tennis center…if this is ever approved or built by her single source developer (sans RFP), OliverMcMillan.

   Sharpen your pencils and start counting now:

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Official State of the Realm Address Lotto Form
(list only one number for each category)

_____  Number of times QueenB VD uses or invokes the pronoun "I"
_____  Number of times QueenB VD uses the possessive "My"
_____  Number of times QueenB VD flips her mane
_____  Number of minutes QueenB VD will arrive late to the function
_____  Number of times QueenB VD attempts to crack wise and giggles like Barbie on her first date with Ken
_____  Number of times QueenB VD acknowledges a Pet Rock (Spink, LaMorgese, Ward, or Farris) and thanks them for following all her dictates
_____  Number of times QueenB VD reminds the crowd that two of her Pet Rocks are up for re-election (Spink and LaMorgese)
_____  Number of times QueenB VD reminds the crowd to be sure and go vote in May (hint, hint)
_____  Number of times QueenB VD has browbeat a non-Pet Rock in a public meeting
_____  Number of non-supporters QueenB VD will icily snub before/after the event
_____  Number of times QueenB VD has spoken condescendingly to someone not agreeing with her position in a public meeting
_____  Number of times QueenB VD reflects she has solved Irving’s earthquake problem
_____  Number of times QueenB VDs solution to actually stopping the earthquakes worked with her "stay calm" mantra
_____  Number of times QueenB VD reflects the tremendous Economic Development the Entertainment Center will bring to Irving
_____  Number of times QueenB VD mentions she voted against the Entertainment Center proposal
_____  Number of times QueenB VD acknowledges the good work the chamber is doing
_____  Number of times QueenB VD has attempted to cut the chamber’s funding
_____  Number of seats supporters of QueenB VD had to give away just to fill a table
_____  Number of "conflict of interest" votes QueenB VD has approved since her fluffy ethics policy was revised
_____  Number of QueenB VDs ‘round table group’ that has had a "conflict of interest" vote approved
_____  Number of photo flashes of QueenB VD during the address
_____  Number of empty seats after folks have eaten and skipped QueenB VDs pontifications
_____  Number of ‘corporate’ tables purchased that have invested in QueenB VDs reign and received special considerations like tax rebates, infrastructure development, or conflict of interest waivers
_____  Number of times QueenB VD mentions Tea Party pal, Rodney "Bogus-gate Complaint" Anderson and the good he will do as Irving’s new state representative
_____  Number of QueenB VDs ‘restaurant donation pals’ who will be ‘saved’ when her total smoking ban returns for a vote replete with the original exceptions from the original ad hoc committee
_____  Number of times QueenB VD personally assumes full credit for any corporate relocation to the city
_____  Number of standing ovations QueenB VD will receive
_____  Number of standing ovations QueenB VD will demand or face confinement in her Tower of Obedience
_____  Number of times QueenB VD will blame her predecessor for anything currently wrong with the city
_____  Number of times QueenB VD will call EMTs to provide an insulin shot for one of her Sugar Daddy contributors at the event

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   Let the fun begin and good luck as you struggle to stay awake during this entire queenly ego inflation ordeal chamber of commerce shindig.  You could be a winner!

……………………..Mark Holbrook