Thursday, October 20, 2011

CCR 10-20-11: Unoccupied Irving

the Controversial Committee Report

“We don’t raise sacred cows...we just butcher them.”

Some folks have the idea that the staff of the CCR might be heartless souls with little regard for humankind or the plight of the downtrodden. Not true...unless the individuals are politicos. After all, we donate bucks to Starbucks and offer for-pay yard work jobs to anyone begging on a Dallas freeway intersection.

With that out of the way, the staff of the CCR is using this publication for its first ever Public Service Announcement. Yes, we want to assist in any way possible all the folks who are involved in the “Occupy” movements spreading to a town near you. With our ‘kind and gentle’ readership base, we hope our PSA spurs new vitality into Irving’s “Occupy” movement by alerting all bureaucrats and elected politicos that the little people of Irving are tired. The little people of Irving are frustrated. And the little people of Irving would like all the bucks Nancy Pelosi spends on Botox and facial tweaking to be redistributed.

Help the CCR spread the word. Send this copy of the PSA to a friend or associate that might be interested in joining the Irving movement. There is a slot for everyone who wants to see “change” that doesn’t cost them an arm or a leg on their next city or school district billing.


The branches of Occupy Irving that one might want to join are listed below. Find the group that best meets your current needs or qualifications and enter the fray. The only stipulations for joining any of these groups are: no smelly, unkempt, anarchist rebels who still live in the 60s hippie movement or at home with their parents. Irving deserves a better class of protestors than those trashing cities across the country.

Remember, protesting is as American as a politician lying or spending your hard earned bucks with abandon. And Irving’s ruling class needs to hear your concerns and feel your pain before they reach in your back pocket again.

Occupy Irving ISD: This group will be composed of teachers who have taught for at least fifteen years in the district, have outstanding evaluation reports, and have only a one year contract. Also, unemployed construction workers interested in working on a frivolous district project that is funded by district free money bonds will be welcomed.

Occupy City Hall: Folks whose last name ends in a vowel and have a crew involved in “collections” will have a sit down with the Capo of Irving’s Lubbock Mafia (city manager) to reach a parity agreement on dividing the city’s take on tax and fee collections. At stake for the little people of Irving will be who gets all the increases from water and sewer rate hikes, property tax increases, tickets to the chamber’s $485,000 Cowboys Stadium suite, free lunches at LaCima Club, monthly stipend worthy of a Saudi prince and a “7-Delta” manual that shows how to win obscene salaries while losing dedicated workers.

Occupy McDougalville: Hoping that only chunky citizens will show up, this group will stop at McDonalds and Burger King in the old downtown area to buy fries and burgers. The group will march to the Heritage District pavilion and protest that this area needs fifty more fast food, drive-through eateries to beautify and enhance the development. Protestors will not leave until the city has re-purchased all of McDougal’s properties (at inflated prices) to construct this culinary monument to Irving’s great heritage.

Occupy the Entertainment Center: Burning effigies of Billy Bob’s Boondoggle, protestors will demonstrate against city auditors “firing” LCG limo drivers and “homeless” consultants who took so many millions from the Entertainment Center project budget. While Canadians might be “no shows dough” to aide the BBB project, protest organizers will be collecting change to open a 25-seat Rock ‘n Roll concert hall for city-wide events. The first band scheduled to play in the low budget concert hall will be the Looting Travelers.

A reader sez: I'm just not sure exactly what I'll occupy. Can I occupy more than one? Anonymous

We Say: We suggest the one with the most disingenuous politicos. Wait...that’s all of them. Mark Holbrook

A reader sez: Consider me a member of the OCCUPY CITY HALL leadership. Anonymous

We Say: With your enthusiasm, you are a general of the troops. Mark Holbrook