Sunday, October 2, 2011

Promises and Pizza

The O-file

(Inside the president’s mind documenting what he really isn’t saying.)

I give up! Just who does this Herman Cain guy think he is? Certainly, Republicans cannot seriously be considering him presidential timber. The Pizza Guy? What’s next...a Christie Cream Donut candidate?

When I saw that Cain actually won a straw poll vote in Florida without buying any votes, I thought to myself: Is America really ready for the first Black president? After all, they already have the first half-Black president who knows something about everything. Hey, I’ve got a Nobel Peace prize to prove it...even after shooting a Drone Hellfire missile right up Anwar al-Aulaqui’s posterior in Yemen this week.

And did you know that Cain’s background and resume´doesn’t even include any “community organizing” skills? Does he really think that his educational background (degree in Mathematics and masters in Computer Science) plus all his work experience (corporate VP, CEO and presidential positions) qualifies him for MY job? Good grief, this guy has actually worked for a living in the real world and made a payroll!

Before Republicans buy into his 9/9/1 tax plan (wish I had thought of that), they had better dial 911. Dispatchers are standing buy to put the fire out on the best idea (on either side of the aisle) that has hit the campaign trail in ten years.

And if all this wasn’t bad enough, Cain doesn’t have a narcissistic bone in his body. How is he going to sneer at all the “little people” as I do when playing golf every weekend, go on expensive “date” nights or fly off to Martha’s Vineyard on Air Force One for another vacation with my dog Bo and thriller novels? Will he even secretly charge the tax payers for all the fund raising trips like I take under the guise of pimping promoting the “American Jobs Tax Increase and Phony Debt Reduction” plan?

Well, I’ve got some news for Pizza Guy Cain...give it up now! I am preparing to whoop-up a fresh batch of Obama Speech Stew that will tantalize the taste buds of all the lefties in my party by doing what I do best...expanding governmental controls, continued enslavement of the impoverished through entitlements, ballooning the national debt, funding fly-by-night solar companies, increase troop levels for a new “class warfare” surge, practicing Chicago-style politics, blaming the past three presidential administrations for all the country’s ills, letting Michelle shop ‘til she drops in New York and turning a deep recession into a genuine depression. This is what America needs. This is what America deserves. And this is what I’m planing to keep giving America in my next term.

Tell Pizza Guy Cain that when he can put the country in social and economic ruin to the extent that I have, then we’ll sit in the Rose Garden and have a pizza summit with courtesy of Papa John’s pizza, not Godfather’s.

............Mark Holbrook