Monday, August 20, 2012

the O-file: Slinging Gaffs

the O-file 
(Inside the president’s mind documenting what he really isn’t saying.)

     Wow!  This campaigning has really gotten serious for me now that Paul Ryan has been added to the GOP ticket.  When Ryan hit the stage in Wisconsin the other day, he asked the audience if they wanted to hear my new campaign theme song.  To loud shouts of “YES,” he then began playing a song that really slammed me...even though it was truthful.  He told the audience that every time they hear me speak, to think about this song.  It was called “Liar, Liar” by The Castaways. 

     That’s okay.  Since I’m not in D.C. that much taking care of presidential duties, it will be hard for Romney/Ryan to point to any bad policies or executive orders that I have instituted lately.  And  really, those Israelis will just have to fend for themselves against the Iranians.  

     I never realized that lifting large donations from campaign ‘whale’ contributor’s wallets could be a 24/7 activity.  Do you realize how much time this takes away from my golf game?  Not only that, but all the ‘hard interviews‘ I have been conducting to reach the “entitled masses” who are my base and always vote for me.  Do you think I really enjoy going on Entertainment Tonight, the Ellen Show, Oprah, the John Stewart Show, and the Comedy Channel?  You’ll never catch me on Meet the Press though...those guys don’t care about what brand of chili peppers I like.  And Michelle is pitching a fit about having to constantly be on the Disney Channel trying to get all those brats to eat ‘nutritious‘ food.      

     Well, since I can’t run my campaign on my miserable record, I’ll have to suffer through these indignities for a few more weeks.  Then, I’ll make good on my deal with Putin, bless the Muslim Brotherhood regime in Egypt, keep all my promises to the labor unions and trial lawyers and then get my Internet preacher’s certificate to start marrying gay couples. Most of this will be accomplished by having Joe “Plugs” Biden spin another gaff to keep the pressure off me.  He is an ace when it comes to diverting the real campaign issues off my hide.  His mouth is golden, but his brain is lead dead.

     Isn’t this fantastic? Just when I have to worry about having a press conference or responding to any serious questions about my record, Joe or Harry Reed spring into action.  Within a three week period, they have been able to spin Romney into a felon, tax evader, killing a terminally ill lady, wanting to re-institute slavery, eating newborn baby livers, pushing grandma off the health care cliff, and sending a new fur coat to the president of PETA.  (Actually, my Chicago campaign-thugs sent that coat to PETA and had it appear that it came from Romney.)

     And all this allows me to spin pablum to the Kool-Aid sippers in my audience.  They just love it when I make cute, funny and degrading quips about my opponent and Republicans in particular.  I can instill more fear in them than when they got caught stealing the teacher’s apple in school.  I keep demonizing Romney and telling them that if elected, he is going to cancel their health care, take away their food and beer stamps, increase their taxes and take away all their other entitlements.  He may even make them pay their own home mortgages. 

     Oh wait.  I forgot.  Most of my supporters don’t pay any income taxes!  Regardless, if threatening to cut off all their freebies doesn’t get them to the polls, then nothing will. 

     Excuse me now.  I need to Tweet Joe the following message for him to set up another gaff to divert the press from my record of failure.  This job is never ending! 

     “Joe: Did you hear that Romney is having an affair with the daughter of the bank president who handles his account in the Cayman Islands?  Run with it! BO”

the CCR