the Controversial Committee Report
“We don’t raise sacred cows...we just butcher them.”
News Flash: Staff of the CCR has just been informed that Dylan Westie, Executive Editor and Part-time Wordsmith for the CCR, is taking a leave of absence. To get to the bottom of this breaking story, we interviewed Dylan as to why he would want to leap into the political arena and prance around town as Mayor of Irving.
CCR: So, Dylan, you are planning to run for Mayor of Irving. Why?
Dylan: Well, since the potential hats in this political ring lack the scent of success, I figured this would be a good time to paw my way to an election victory. Have you reviewed the current mayor’s record...or lack thereof?
CCR: No, we haven’t. We’ve looked in all the city files for what she has accomplished to compare with what she promised three years ago and couldn’t find anything. Just a file folder stuffed with glamor shots.
Dylan: Exactly! About the only thing available in her ‘accomplishment file’ is a gross of glossy head shots and a couple of chamber of commerce banquet CDs where she spoke and claimed she invented the Internet. Wait until Al Gore hears about that.
CCR: OK, if you run for mayor, you will need a platform and a full dish of promises for all the special interest groups to support and vote for you. How do you plan to accomplish this?
Dylan: My platform will be simple and as short as a leash. Watch how the following will transform Irving:
No campaign contributions will be accepted. No contributions = no voting strings attached. And I certainly don’t need a “campaign sugar daddy” to own me along with his dog house full of other politicos.
No brochures or printed PR materials full of fluff and puff. I’ll just go to the political forums and point out the dismal record of any opponent...in a positive manner, of course.
No free head shots or glamor-posed photos. All head shots of me in a field of bluebonnets will cost $10 to cover campaign treat purchases.
No medications necessary for NPD*...everyone already loves me.
No secret meetings at fancy country clubs or back rooms at the chamber of commerce offices.
No illegal meetings. Folks can catch me at Danal’s Mexican Restaurant chowing down on sausage and egg burritos when not conducting legal meetings at city hall.
No free sporting ducats (tennis included) placed under my front door mat.
No sky diving...it tangles my mane.
Yes, to having a fire hydrant installed in every front yard.
Yes, to taking all the city/Saudi-paid trips available...First Class only.
Yes, to considering any idea that benefits the city...especially if it isn’t mine.
Yes, to being a voter’s best friend.
CCR: Some will contend that you do not have the qualifications to be Mayor of Irving. That maybe you are a different breed of politician. What do you say to that?
Dylan: Look, I’ve had all my shots and I do not suffer from or take any medications for NPD. I’m single and neutered. I’ll keep my nose to the ground and sniff out any wrong doing or special interest groups that attempt to influence other council members. Also, my bark will be my bond. I will not tell council members one thing and then turn around and bite them in the do the opposite.
CCR: Since you are not planning to accept any campaign contributions, will you be using social media to reach voters?
Dylan: Are you kidding? I only have four friends on my FaceBook page and believe that tweeting is for twits. Besides, when you review the many postings on FaceBook for the current mayor, it appears that she has provided free tickets to all of her followers for a Jim Jones Kool-Aid Revival gathering. Some of these individuals wouldn’t recognize political reality if it rang their doorbell. My focus will be on sane and rational voters...not those who are ‘information impaired’ or believe FaceBook can change minds via coarse discourse.
CCR: Well thanks, Dylan, for all you have done for the CCR and good luck with your campaign. Do you have any parting comments or a campaign slogan to share with the readers?
Dylan: Yes, send an e-mail and $10 to receive your autographed head shot of me in the bluebonnets. And my campaign slogan will be: “Doing more on three legs than any mayor could do on two.”
CCR: From what we’ve just heard, Dylan appears to be the perfect solution to the political malaise, infighting and divisiveness that has plagued the city for the past nine years...with the last three years spiking the non-creditability scale. Dylan would appreciate your support. And staff of the CCR would appreciate your involvement in the local political processes.
* NOTE: NPD = Narcissistic Personality Disorder.