Sunday, August 10, 2014

CCR 08-10-14: Lobby Hobby

the   Controversial  Committee   Report
“We don’t raise sacred cows...we just butcher them.”

     Fact!  Staff of the CCR will not miss the train when QueenB VDs revised ethics code leaves the station.(1)  Actually, staff of the CCR will be the first in line at Irving City hall, having purchased a ticket for the ride, to become the first registered city lobbyist.

     Yes, to ensure we follow all of the prescribes buried in the queen’s new flimflam ethics code, staff of the CCR is eager to get this ball rolling…uphill.  Of course, the reams of paperwork required to be completed for being a city lobbyist is daunting and demeaning.  

     For everyone (principals, business owners, in-laws, partners, family members, cousins, clergy, et al) associated with a concern being represented before the council, a lobbyist is required to include the names of all individuals involved with the issue.  This poses some classification concerns for the lobbyist.  

     Case in Point: Under what category do you place Aunt Bertha’s AKC registered Shih Tzu?  Are both ex’s required to be listed if alimony payments are not being paid?  If your grammar school teacher is deceased, are surviving members of her family required to be noted?  Are photos of ancestors arriving at Plymouth Rock really necessary?  Without listing all of this detailed information, a lobbyist cannot represent subjects before the city council.

     However, being the first registered city lobbyist has many advantages.  The best advantage is clients subjects are excited about the CCR representing their interest before the city council.  For too long, individuals have not had a meaningful voice at city hall…mainly because they didn’t contribute mega-bucks to the queen’s treasury.  

     Lobbying for the interest of subjects will allow the public to observe many changes the queen and Pet Rocks should consider.  Once again, subjects will have a voice and will not need to be fearful of queenly retribution.  That’s right, the staff of the CCR will absorb any adverse reactions the queen might consider when the CCR represents the interest of subjects.  This way, subjects are protected and their message is able to be broadcast throughout the queen’s realm via ICTN.  (Rumor has the queen taking control of ICTN broadcasts due to the fact cameras do not focus on her more during meetings.)

     If you are an individual or group requiring representation before the city council, drop the CCR a line.  We’ll be happy to add you to our growing list of subjects.  Those who are currently on board with the CCR as their lobbyist are: 

PITHY (People for the Inhumane Treatment of Harpy Yammerers): This organization recognizes the need to finally address harpies, who have yet to earn their wings, for their rashness and the blather they spout throughout the queen’s realm.  These flightless versions of the harpy family continually babble inane, non-factual information with glee and abandon on the queen’s behalf.  While these harpies are similar to a Flying Harpy, this wingless strain is not as vicious.  This is due to their tongues not being as sharp and their talons not polished steel.  Once PITHY harnesses all the harpies and places them in re-education programs, an attempt will be made to reign in the more vicious Flying Harpies.

CADS (Citizens Against Donor Schemes)  Without a doubt, there is too much money floating around in Irving politics.  While the queen attempts to have her subjects believe she is above raking in mega-bucks from mega-donors, the actual figures on her campaign finance reports prove this wrong.(2)  And as previously noted in earlier CCR reports, money does talk and the queen is apparently a very, very good listener.  Sadly, the newly revised ethics code will allow previous mega-donors the ability to improve and increase their level of contributions.  Upper level donors, sugar daddy contributors, would also have the use, for one event, of a stadium suite in the queen’s proposed Tennis Center on the Texas Stadium site if they contribute the new maximum amount…$25,000.

O-CRAP (Ordinary Citizens Revolting Against Politicos): This group is growing daily.  Many are tired of the city council handing out tax bucks to political cronies, developers, or large campaign donors; not dealing with those issues clearly important to the city; and having to deal with the wrath of the queen for having opposing viewpoints.  While this group has never been very vocal in the past, the number of leadership failings by the queen has prompted these individuals to finally let their voices be heard with the aid of the CCR as their lobbyist.  Instead of photo ops, the subjects of O-CRAP want attention to city-wide needs and concerns…not a Tennis Center or more developer hand outs.   

ROI:  Over the years as the council proceeded to dole out bucks to cronies, developers and special interest folks, an attempt was made to qualify this largeness by the queen and her Pet Rocks.  The rationale  promoted was the city would have a "return on investment" or ROI for these lavish and special interest expenditures.  This was supposed to mean: Tax payers should be happy their money was being spent foolishly and should remain quiet, dutiful and docile.  (When was the last dividend you received, or gratuitous ‘investment return’ from the queen and Pet Rocks?)  As a result of the new ethics code, ROI will now mean Revolution Of Involvement.  Subjects have endured four years of photo ops, gratuitous travel and entertaining those who might have business coming before the council by QueenB VD.  There has been little or no actual return on these "investments" for the shabby efforts and faux leadership of the queen.  ROI believes the revolution for city concerns must start today.  And ROI is ready for you to join them in these efforts! 

     Yes, QueenB VDs newly revised, ‘fuzzy’ ethics code promises to bring significant change to how the council does business, exposing council spending activities and how ordinary citizens are treated when appearing before the queen and her Pet Rocks.  As a city lobbyist, staff of the CCR will do their part to aid and assist all subjects and groups in these endeavors. 

     Consider joining one of the above groups.  Or, allow the CCR to lobby for your interest.  We do not charge subjects fees for our services.  Our payment is when subjects take back control of a city which has run off the rails while the queen has hastily sped through the city, in her carriage, to the next photo op.

     And don’t be surprised if at the start of a future council meeting you hear QueenB VD and her Pet Rocks whisper to each other…O-CRAP…ROI is in the house!

………………………Mark Holbrook

1)  The official ethics code signing and photo op will be prior to the next city council meeting.  The first ten subjects in attendance will receive one of the souvenir pens used by QueenB VD, as she puts pen to parchment on this momentous legislative disaster.  Free mead, laced with Kool-Aid and NPD medications, will also be available.  A photo op with the queen will be possible for $29.99…sugar daddy donors do not have to pay.

2)  Refer to the 08-08-14 CCR report or  for a review of the mega-donors to the queen’s slush fund.