Friday, August 15, 2014

CCR 08-15-14: Ho, Ho, Give Me

the   Controversial  Committee   Report
“We don’t raise sacred cows...we just butcher them.”

     No, your calendar is not wrong!  It is August, but in QueenB VDs realm, this is of no consequence.  You see, the queen plans to celebrate Xmas next weekAugust 21-22, 2014.

     Readers are probably wondering how this might be possible.  Very simple explanation.  When the council meets next week to put the final polish on the 2014-15 city budget at their retreat, the queen has her shopping list ready for items to be approved.  And via an edict of the queen, the new city manager must slash the budget 17% to accommodate her desires(Subjects or city needs will have to settle for large lumps of coal next year.)

     Of course, the queen will posture around phony verbiage of wanting to cut taxes for her subjects, but her real motivation is to have the necessary tax funds available to purchase all items on her wish list.

     And what does the queen have on her Xmas shopping list?  Well, as one might imagine, none of the items are for subjects of the realm.  Here is what the queen will demand, to be included, in the new budget to recognize her self-greatness:

  • 25 cases of special order, yellow tennis balls which have the queen’s crest imprinted.  These will be utilized at her new Tennis Center located on the old Texas Stadium site.
  • 5 reams of Blanket Waiver of Ethics forms for OliverMcMillan and Whistle Stop’s next appearance before the council with their development projects.  The forms will also speed her approval process for all single source developers she chooses in the future.
  • New personnel positions for three city staff photographers.  This will allow 24/7 coverage for all her photo ops.
  • Installation of a jamming device in city hall so that only she can text while meetings are in progress.
  • Renovation of her Tower of Obedience to accommodate more individuals who have been detained by her Mother Superior of Flying Harpies.  New verbal-water boarding rooms will be added to assist in the re-education processes of wayward subjects.
  • A 192% increase in her city-paid travel expenses.  This is necessary in order for her to traipse about on unnecessary trips to spread her spin and self-graciousness on unknowing subjects in distant realms.
  • Two train tanker cars loaded with liquid NPD* medication which will be used to spike the city’s water supply.  This will eliminate her worrying about any possible competition to the queen’s throne.
  • Construction of a new throne for the council chambers which will be two feet higher than the seats of her Pet Rocks and the other non-consequential members of the council.
  • An improved neck brace to avoid spasms from continuous mane flipping.
  • A larger ‘cloak of invisibility’ to keep prying eyes of subjects from observing her while meeting with potential developers or sugar daddy contributors at local watering holes around the city.

     In the queen’s holiday celebration version, the only ghost to appear will be the ghost of Xmas Past to pay her a visit.  Morris Parrish will appear and give her a "Be Kind" sign as his gratitude for QueenB VD replacing him as the lowest ranking mayor on the city’s totem pole of past mayors.

     The queen would extend to each and every one of her subjects good wishes for her holiday celebration, but then…this is all about her, isn’t it?

……………………Mark Holbrook 

*  NPD is Narcissistic Personality Disorder.  Specific conditions noted at: