Sunday, January 1, 2017

CCR 01-01-17 Prognostications and Pup-Peroni

the   Controversial  Committee   Report
“We don’t raise sacred cows...we just butcher them.”

"Prognostications and Pup-Peroni®

   In-between munching on Pup-Peroni® treats and chasing feral cats out of the backyard, Dylan Westie, Executive editor/Part-time Wordsmith and Social Media Troll for the CCR, has been compiling a list of what dear readers could anticipate in 2017 for ‘beautiful downtown Irving.’

   Having a "are-you-serious" accuracy rate of 99.13%, he predicts the upcoming year will be somewhat taxing (literally and figuratively) for denizens of ‘beautiful downtown Irving.’

   Here are his dog breath prognostications of what folks should be looking forward to…or not:

   Public Safety:  Irving Blvd., from Story Road to near ‘beautiful downtown Irving,’ will continue to be hazardous while driving during early morning or late evenings due to the inoperable, dysfunctional, never on, and totally useless "green" solar powered street lights.  This was not a great idea when first implemented (years ago) by city staff and has continued to be a costly problem since installation.  Apparently, having a high volume and potentially dangerous traffic situation (not counting or including all of the State construction on three major north/south arteries) doesn’t register very high on the city’s Imagine Irving Comprehensive Plan…which is another new staff binder to shelve with all the other plans for ‘beautiful downtown Irving.’  Look for the plan binders to collect enough dust to fill all the potholes on Irving Blvd.

   Gala Celebration:  The super-grand opening of the ARK Entertainment Center will be a significant social event in 2017, but could be marred by QueenB VDs lack of participation… much like she demonstrated at the original ARK ground breaking for the center.  Of course, if she doesn’t conjure another "scheduling conflict" on her photo op calendar, then plan on the event starting 30-minutes later than announced to accommodate her usual and persistent egocentric modus operandi of arriving late for eventsBe sure to attend this grandeur opening which highlights a new and major city development.  
   (Remember, the queen was adamantly against every future note to be emitted from the Music Factory and Alamo Draft House when the center was originally being considered.)

  City Elections:   2017 will be a significant election year for the city.  Up for re-election will be QueenB VD, Oscar Ward and Dennis Webb.  Realizing Ward and Webb do not follow (which is good), or agree with almost all of QueenB VDs voting prescripts, temper tantrums, and dictates (which are mostly self-centered or catered to cronies and Sugar Daddy donors), voters should look for her to recruit and attempt to add potential Pet Rocks to her dwindling collection via this election cycle.  Creating mayhem is a taxing job, for the queen, to handle alone without pulling the strings of controlled puppets.
   While mentioning Pet Rocks, Chief of Staff Pet Rock for QueenB VD, LaMorgese, will be granted permission, by the queen, to discontinue wearing his court jester hat at council work sessions and meetings.  The constant jiggling of the hat’s bells, while he nods his head in approval of every queenly statement, has become annoying to her.  
   This change in wardrobe will be a LaMorgese-political ploy — should he decide to run for re-election in 2018 — to have voters believe he is an independent thinker and does not always follow the queen’s dictates. (snicker, snicker) 

   Belated Christmas Gift?:  The assumption QueenB VD will run for re-election probably depends on how well the Trump transition team vets potential flunkies for the cabinet and staff members he  appoints.  Since the queen was observed cavorting and conversing with one of The Donald’s major-potential appointees, one could assume she was either adding to her photo op collection, or attempting to convince someone she knows how to run the country…after having run Irving into the ground with all her Red Meat TEA-carnivore babbling-bad press.  Look for  the queen to possibly abdicate her throne should an offer, for a DC job, be made.
   After all, if narcissism and petulant self-interest are primary Trump vetting points, wouldn’t the queen be in good standing and at the top of a list?  Wouldn’t this be a gift all ‘beautiful downtown Irving’ citizens would like to see opened!

   Homelessness and Crowing:  The ill fated re-re-revised chicken ordinance will once again fly into the city council chambers for yet another plucking.  As city elections are on the horizon, potential council candidates could wring all the fowls’ necks to appease a small number of folks who want a stringent ban on all chickens in the city.  Also, left in the deep fryer will be roosters.  The re-re-revised ordinance would, in all likelihood, only permit conjugal visits of roosters for flock owners who are interested in increasing or replacing the size of their brood.  Want some gravy with those biscuits?

   Ticking Clock:  There still remains no understandable reason or rationale consideration for the city council to approve paying, with your tax dollars, the legal fees for the personal law suit filed against QueenB VD by the "clock kid" as a result of her speaking engagement loose lips.  Wasn’t it clearly established the queen was on her own time, speaking before Red Meat TEA-carnivore groups — not as the mayor of the city — and fabricating facts which had no bearing on the city or approval by the city council?  Will the legal cost, probably propelled by outside legal council, skyrocket?  Plus, could an exorbitant settlement, of your tax dollars, also be another possibility?  How many roads and other city improvements could be considered with the legal funds this capricious expenditure might require…whatever the final total becomes?  Look for a large crowd to surround the court house chanting and cheering "lock her up!"

   Irving Tourism:  During QueenB VDs reign citizens noted:  the Cowboys left town; the Byron Nelson tees off in Dallas in another year; and the Boy Scouts Museum heads to New Mexico.  To overcome these tourism deficits, QueenB VD will reach out to the groups she played a large part, by indirectly recruiting, for their visiting Irving this past summer…gun toting Froot Loops® prancing around a religious institution and a Texas branch of the KKK.  Tickets will go on sale in January for the queen’s First Annual White Sheet Shoot-out in ‘Beautiful Downtown Irving.’  There will be fun, food and booths loaded with xenophobic brochures with membership applications and autographed photos of the queen in her mane flipping Hollywood-ish pose.  Best buy your tickets early as the queen’s Flying Harpy flock are already queued up.  

   Citizen Activists:  A new group will be forming in the city…POP (Provide Others Potholes).  This group will secretly dig potholes on council members’ and the city manager’s street(s) to see if repairs are made quicker, for their personal driving conditions, than those issues previously reported by citizens who have been waiting on pothole or major street repairs for eons.  Discount coupons, for installing new shock absorbers, will be left in the potholes for use by city personnel.
   With all these significant events occurring in ‘beautiful downtown Irving,’ staff of the CCR would wish all dear readers a Happy "2017 SOS" New Year.  And a good resolution to consider for the New Year might be: Nothing changes without active citizen involvement to make change happen. 

………………………………………………Mark Holbrook