Saturday, January 24, 2015

CCR 01-24-15: Extra, Extra, Read All About It

the   Controversial  Committee   Report
“We don’t raise sacred cows...we just butcher them.”

   For some, there will be joy in Mudville today!  For others, no joy and only the hope of a raincheck for another day and game.

   Yes, the Dallas Morning News, in its infinite wisdom, has tiptoed across the line of award winning journalism to dipping their toes in the blustering yammer-pool of the local blog, the Controversial Committee Report.  With this action, does (or should) this infer the CCR is now an official member of the "33/4 Estate?"  (Tone down the chuckling and snickering, please!)

   Publishing this rather lengthy article in the DMN concerning the thirty-year history of the CCR report, detailing Irving’s political foibles, does give credence to the fact the city has come a long way, but certainly has a longer path to follow before political and citizenry nirvana can ever be achieved.  (Irving’s Mason-Dixon line is still believed to be the Hwy. 183 east/west divide.)

  For non-subscribers to the DMN, here is the link to the revealing and wow-gasping CCR article.  Read and weep/dance with glee/slug a couple tequila shots/take Jerry Jones’ name in vain, or pop your daily NPD pill…if suffering from this condition.  Article link:

   For those wondering what the staff of the CCR, (Dylan Westie, Executive Editor and Part-time Wordsmith; Mark Holbrook, Publisher; and Mike Howard, Geezer-in-Charge) might be thinking, or their reaction after reading the article, the e-mail letter addressed to the article’s author, Avi Selk of the Dallas Morning News, follows.

   Many of you may already know Selk as the reporter of record for Irving’s municipal coverage of city and school district issues.  While he often performs a thankless task of documenting Irving affairs, the assignment surely must be thorny and extremely difficult at times when dealing with all the super egos, string pullers, political pimps, and those whose bent is to tap city resources for their personal benefit or agenda.  For all his fine efforts, the DMN should include hazardous duty pay in his monthly stipend!

   With all this in mind, staff of the CCR sent the following sincere message to Selk expressing our unvarnished thoughts: 
Avi Selk—
As expected, your article upheld all journalistic principles, standards and pounded the nail of objectivity squarely into the heart of the CCRs thirty-year history of wordsmithing in the city of Irving.  Even proper grammar was observed in your writing! (snicker)  Great job!  

Truly, critics of the CCR are in orgasmic rapture, while highly dedicated followers might be experiencing literary impotence with your observations.  (No problem, as both have cures.)

My thoughts: You did what you always seem to do…write a very detailed,  informative, independent, fact based article which does not leave one with any questions or literary ambiguity.  And perhaps, this is the hallmark reflected in a good writer who happens to be a DMN journalist.  

That being said, I have no qualms or reservations as to your perspectives or reflections regarding the CCR.  After all, the CCR is what it is and that’s what it will always be as long as there are ‘cats to kick’ or ‘sacred cows’ to be butchered in ‘beautiful downtown Irving.’

Without any appearance of graft, payola or kickback, I would like to buy you a proper lunch: soon…maybe…(name a day).  This would be my humble way of reflecting thanks and kudos of appreciation for your work and the talent you possess which benefits all Irving. 

Kindest regards,
Mike Howard

   As noted above, the CCR will continue to publish opinions…which are sometimes even based on factual material.  Dylan will continue to use his Twit-er account to express political dismay or Ruff-ings on current events.  And Mark will faithfully wordsmith the reports sent to all those dedicated followers on the readership e-mail list of the CCR and post them on the blog site.  After all, the CCR is not looking to make change happen, but rather provide folks with a unique understanding of what is actually going on, in their name, by all the elected politicos representing them in ‘beautiful downtown Irving.’  

   Sure, this can be a scary undertaking, but Irving’s political tunnel requires all the illumination possible for the citizenry to see there might be light at the end…and hopefully, the light is not an oncoming Flying Harpy wearing a headlamp.  Or the queen’s carriage speeding to the city’s treasury while laden with single source developers, Sugar Daddy contributors and Pet Rocks.

   Isn’t freedom of speech (sans libel and slander) just one of the grandest gifts imaginable that our forefathers bestowed?  And having the last word is just icing on the Sprinkles® cupcake.

……………………………………Mark Holbrook

Special Note:  The link for the DMN article in the on-line version has a picture of folks gathering at the ‘House of Commons’ coffee shop, Danal’s Mexican Restaurant.  Staff of the CCR would offer their apologies if any individual pictured believes their reputation was blemished or tarnished with this public exposure! (snicker)

Wednesday, January 21, 2015

CCR 01-21-15: Wee-Wee Zone

the   Controversial  Committee   Report
“We don’t raise sacred cows...we just butcher them.”

   Staff of the CCR would like to apologize for the following report.  Some slower readers are not paying close enough attention, attending meetings, or reading the newspaper.

   For the benefit of those literary slackers, we’ll once again take time to translate and explain what was obvious to those knowing what is going on in ‘beautiful downtown Irving.’

   QueenB VD held her second Town Hall Queenly Dictate Forum to capture additional photo ops, press coverage and TV exposure.  While the subject on everyone’s mind was the rash of earthquakes rumbling across the city, it appears the queen had other devious plans afoot.  And those plans were probably unknown to her Pet Rock collection.

   Just in case the Pet Rocks did not realize they were once again being sandbagged by QueenB VD, the CCR will state: You’ve been sandbagged and conned again.  

   You see, it appears the queen reached into her cheap LouieV® political trick bag to seek having Pet Rocks change their thoughts on the smoking ban ordinance revisions currently being solidified.  The ordinance will be coming back to the council fairly soon and surely will not be what the queen originally dictated.

   What will it take for some of the Pet Rocks to realize they are continually being used, abused and having their intelligence insulted by the queen?  Do they not have enough machismo to stand up and holler: "This is Torofeca and I’m not going to step in it again!" 

   Yes, there was a contingency of red T-shirted folks at the queen’s meeting attempting to put pressure on the Pet Rocks to have them realize the error of their ways if they didn’t support QueenB VDs total ban on smoking in Irving.

   And the fact this ‘group’ was in attendance raises several more questions one would like to have answered:
  • Was the gathering coordinated by the queen’s Royal Scribe or Mother Superior of Flying Harpies?
  • Who initiated the invitation to attend this meeting?
  • Who paid for the T-shirts?
  • What communications did the queen have with the leadership of this gathering before the meeting?
  • Would the sign-in sheet reflect the majority of these individuals do not even live in Irving?
  • Does Irving really need outside agitators, loyal to the queen, to help run the city?

   And all this brings us to the explanation for slower readers of CCR reports.  The following tweet was sent out this morning.  The basis for the tweet was QueenB VD, once again, attempting to channel Rosie O’Donnell by pounding non-believers with her unhumorous funny bone while she played and flipped her mane to the audience and cameras.
TO:  CCR Tweet-less 
Here’s what you recently missed by not following
Dylan Westie  @DylanWestie1  on Twit-er.
Guess that wasn't rain on QueenBs (Irving mayor) parade at last evenings town hall. Her humor is akin to (her) ability to run the city...all wet!

Her comment and justification for why there should be a total smoking ban in Irving was:

BVD:  “This grosses people out, but it’s just like having a public pool with a no-peeing section,” the mayor quipped.

   (BTW: This is the second known time the CCR has heard the queen attempt humor with this lame comment regarding her total smoking ban ordinance.  Perhaps, it is time to fire the Royal Jester and hire another comedy writer with more contemporary material.  Who knows, she might even progress to utilizing decent fart jokes!)

   Regardless, there was a very astute member of the audience whose retort of the queen’s view of a total smoking ban drove the point into the pool. His comment had to be the best put down of a queenly uttering in recent memory.  To wit:

LN:  “People urinate in pools; that’s why they have chlorine systems,” (Larry) Nobriga said after waiting in line for the microphone. “And you know, you don’t have to swim there.”

   Thank you Mr. Nobriga.  Let’s hope the Pet Rocks haven’t been so chipped around the edges that they can fully understand the deeper meaning of your remark.  Your point was well taken that peeing on cigarette butts is no way to fashion a city smoking ordinance.  (Ergo, queen’s parade was called due to foul watering.)

   Also, it was truly amazing the majority in attendance did not realize QueenB VD probably wanted the entire earthquake meeting to be about the smoking ban ordinance and not what they had come to the Irving Arts Center to discuss.  

   As a result, they were treated to the queen’s analogy of peeing on cigarette butts to prevent smoking in the city!

   Had most in attendance known the queen’s ulterior agenda, they probably would have stayed home and watched a "Honey Boo-Boo Eats a Box of Twinkies®" rerun.

   But wait.  The queen attempted to save the day by passing out her cure and panacea for preventing Irving’s earthquake problem.  She ensured each attendee received a copy of the city’s "Drop, Cover, and Hold On" flyer.  Did this make everyone sleep well when their beds rattled later that evening?

   Historical Consideration:  For those who lived, or even remember the 50s, this is the same basic message USA kids were indoctrinated with to save them from a USSR nuclear bomb.  Drills were held.  Kids were traumatized.  And political scars regarding Russians were permanently carved from this slogan.

   Well, the 50s flyers and drills must have worked.  No kids of this generation died from a nuclear explosion!

   With this in mind, the city’s flyers should be amended to: "Drop, Cover, Move Over…QueenBs carriage is coming."  Wouldn’t that save a new generation of potential voters by having them leap out of the way of unadulterated political scheming and grandstanding?

………………………….Mark Holbrook 

   Note: For a more detailed and factual account of the 2nd Queenly Dictate Forum, see the DMN article by Avi Selk, 01-21-15 on the following link:

Saturday, January 17, 2015

CCR 01-17-15: Seismic Flashes

the   Controversial  Committee   Report
“We don’t raise sacred cows...we just butcher them.”

   Without a doubt, the photo op session QueenB VD staged at city hall for the general public concerning Irving’s shaky situation with ground tremors was a huge success.  Packed house even!

   Not only did the queen manage to corral a couple additional politicos who also seemed starved for attention, but she glowed and beamed at the TV crews coverage.  

   (Catching part of the queen’s limelight that evening: Rodney "Bogus-gate Complaint" Anderson and County Judge Clay "Where’s the Camera" Jenkins.)

   Sadly, political events of this nature actually require someone from the CCR staff to be in attendance.  Why?  Who knows?  QueenB VD might flip her mane and accidentally ‘take out’ her two Pet Rocks running for re-election (LaMorgese and Spink).  Now, that would be a story worthy of covering, and a definite relief to the citizenry! 

   Dylan Westie, Executive Editor and Part-time Wordsmith for the CCR, drew the short straw and hustled down to city hall.  Believing the session would drone on until the wee hours, he threw a full packet of Pup-Peroni® in his backpack to snack on to prevent dozing off.

   While we expected a story worthy of publication, Dylan did not have very much as a take away from the meeting.  In fact, the following three tweets represent his full summary.  

   Actually, these tweets do more justice to what occurred.  He certainly cut to the chase without detailing all the political blathering, semi-erudite comments from intellectual pinheads, bobbing and weaving seismologists, and gaseous retorts from the guy representing the Texas Railroad Commission.  (No wonder why this guy is in charge of oil and gas in Texas.)

   Here’s Dylan’s version of the Great Earthquake "Got Questions" Gathering.

TO:  CCR Tweet-less 
Here’s what you recently missed by not following
Dylan Westie  @DylanWestie1  on Twit-er.

1) Dylan Westie @DylanWestie1 Jan 15
County Judge "Where's the Camera" Jenkins just solved earthquake problem: install an app on your smart phone!!

2) Dylan Westie @DylanWestie1 Jan 15
Mother Nature tells city council: You cannot 'fix' what I control, nor know when I will pound ground to advise I'm still here & in control!

3) Dylan Westie @DylanWestie1 Jan 15
Full moon shining on city council causes frackin' environmentalist to push their agenda regardless of data & discussion of Irving's issues.

   And this, dear readers, is a complete rundown on Irving’s Great Earthquake "Got Questions" Gathering session called and hosted by QueenB VD.  Don’t hold your breath waiting for tremor solutions as the queen is sponsoring a similar meeting on January 20th to continue her efforts in asking the unanswerable questions.

   Still have questions regarding earthquakes in Irving?  Who doesn’t?  However, this is how QueenB VD dismissed the audience…telling everyone that many questions still remain unanswered.  Duh! 

   However, the real question which wasn’t answered was: Why did the queen have this meeting were nothing was fully determined and caused a large crowd of folks to miss a re-run of Hee Haw thinking they might hear genuine answers to genuine concerns?  And did she really send a notice to her very selective e-mail grouping alerting them to attend?  (Sorry, that’s two questions.)

   Oh, we forgot…the real answer for the gathering was photo ops and TV exposure.  Yes, this panacea of amassing folks with her in the center of the dais will always guarantee and provide a soothing effect for a fragile ego needing a few seismic strokes.

…………………………Mark Holbrook

Note — For those wanting a bit more detail and a different perspective, see DMN, 01-15-15, Avi Selk article:

Wednesday, January 14, 2015

CCR 01-14-15: Have To Pay To Play

the   Controversial  Committee   Report
“We don’t raise sacred cows...we just butcher them.”

   Tired of eating ‘rubber chicken’ dinners and having to listen to a politico blather ad nauseam and take credit for things they had little or no control over?  Want to actually gain some value, from an exorbitant ticket price, while indulging in this linguistic triage?

   Well, dear reader, you are in luck.  Send the CCR $100 for your official State of the Realm Address Lotto form and sit at home, in your jammies, to watch ICTNs airing of QueenB VDs annual NPD-cavalcade of her self-acclaimed "accomplishments" to keep the realm under her thumb.

   When you receive your official State of the Realm Address Lotto form, the instructions are easy to follow.  You have to be alert, pay close attention and keep track of your own score without looking on someone else's form.  Simple, isn’t it.  

   After completing your form, send it to the CCR for verification purposes after the January 29, 2015, address staged by the chamber of commerce.  The reader with the most correct responses not only will receive the entire money pool, less a 20% handling fee, but will be given season box seats in QueenB VDs tennis center…if this is ever approved or built by her single source developer (sans RFP), OliverMcMillan.

   Sharpen your pencils and start counting now:

Official State of the Realm Address Lotto Form
(list only one number for each category)

_____  Number of times QueenB VD uses or invokes the pronoun "I"
_____  Number of times QueenB VD uses the possessive "My"
_____  Number of times QueenB VD flips her mane
_____  Number of minutes QueenB VD will arrive late to the function
_____  Number of times QueenB VD attempts to crack wise and giggles like Barbie on her first date with Ken
_____  Number of times QueenB VD acknowledges a Pet Rock (Spink, LaMorgese, Ward, or Farris) and thanks them for following all her dictates
_____  Number of times QueenB VD reminds the crowd that two of her Pet Rocks are up for re-election (Spink and LaMorgese)
_____  Number of times QueenB VD reminds the crowd to be sure and go vote in May (hint, hint)
_____  Number of times QueenB VD has browbeat a non-Pet Rock in a public meeting
_____  Number of non-supporters QueenB VD will icily snub before/after the event
_____  Number of times QueenB VD has spoken condescendingly to someone not agreeing with her position in a public meeting
_____  Number of times QueenB VD reflects she has solved Irving’s earthquake problem
_____  Number of times QueenB VDs solution to actually stopping the earthquakes worked with her "stay calm" mantra
_____  Number of times QueenB VD reflects the tremendous Economic Development the Entertainment Center will bring to Irving
_____  Number of times QueenB VD mentions she voted against the Entertainment Center proposal
_____  Number of times QueenB VD acknowledges the good work the chamber is doing
_____  Number of times QueenB VD has attempted to cut the chamber’s funding
_____  Number of seats supporters of QueenB VD had to give away just to fill a table
_____  Number of "conflict of interest" votes QueenB VD has approved since her fluffy ethics policy was revised
_____  Number of QueenB VDs ‘round table group’ that has had a "conflict of interest" vote approved
_____  Number of photo flashes of QueenB VD during the address
_____  Number of empty seats after folks have eaten and skipped QueenB VDs pontifications
_____  Number of ‘corporate’ tables purchased that have invested in QueenB VDs reign and received special considerations like tax rebates, infrastructure development, or conflict of interest waivers
_____  Number of times QueenB VD mentions Tea Party pal, Rodney "Bogus-gate Complaint" Anderson and the good he will do as Irving’s new state representative
_____  Number of QueenB VDs ‘restaurant donation pals’ who will be ‘saved’ when her total smoking ban returns for a vote replete with the original exceptions from the original ad hoc committee
_____  Number of times QueenB VD personally assumes full credit for any corporate relocation to the city
_____  Number of standing ovations QueenB VD will receive
_____  Number of standing ovations QueenB VD will demand or face confinement in her Tower of Obedience
_____  Number of times QueenB VD will blame her predecessor for anything currently wrong with the city
_____  Number of times QueenB VD will call EMTs to provide an insulin shot for one of her Sugar Daddy contributors at the event


   Let the fun begin and good luck as you struggle to stay awake during this entire queenly ego inflation ordeal chamber of commerce shindig.  You could be a winner!

……………………..Mark Holbrook

Sunday, January 11, 2015

CCR 01-11-15: Costly Waivers

the   Controversial  Committee   Report
“We don’t raise sacred cows...we just butcher them.”

   Today’s Question:  Just how good and effective is QueenB VDs newly revised and fluffy ethics policy really working?

   If you are not sure, or haven’t been paying attention, then maybe you should tune in to the January 15, 2015, city council meeting for agenda Item #11.  Why?  Should the council approve the item, as recommended by staff, this will represent the second waiver of a "conflict of interest" for an individual doing business with the city since the adoption of the queen’s revised code. 

   The first waiver for a "conflict of interest," on a council agenda, was noted and fully documented in the September 3, 2014, CCR report which can be accessed on the blog.

   So, what’s the big deal?  Frankly, when the queen was promoting, pimping and browbeating her Pet Rocks to pass her inane and unenforceable ethics policy changes, she spent an awful lot of time assuring folks her revision was going to make all city business transparent, hold individuals accountable, remove the stigma of cronyism, ensure no more single source developers, and open the city’s business window utilizing RFPs for competitive options to verify the city’s best interest were met.  So stated QueenB VD.  So agreed the Pet Rock collection.  

   While not certain, QueenB VD may have even promised citizens her fluffy revised ethics policy would even cure a political hemorrhoid!  (Medical research scientists are still testing to determine if this is true.  Results of the next city election will document if this might be a valid hypothesis. )

   Another feature of the queen’s revised policy was supposed to be that all citizens would be treated the same.  With the second "conflict of interest" waiver on the table, it is starting to appear if you have the queen’s ear, live in her north Irving neighborhood or have pledged fealty, then this puts you at the front of the line for special consideration…regardless of what her revised ethics policy might state. 

   Back Story:  Item #11 on the noted council agenda is to waive the "conflict of interest" for an individual who wants to move his business to Irving from Dallas.  The stated conflict is the owner of the business is a member of the DCURD board.  (No, DCURD is not a form of yogurt prepared by the queen’s royal chef.)  DCURD is the Dallas County Utility and Reclamation District which is operational for the Las Colinas urban center.  The city has worked with DCURD on some projects in the past, but DCURD is primarily funded by taxes assessed businesses in their defined district.

   In addition to moving his business to the city, the owner also might believe the city should provide a ‘sweet’ incentive for all his efforts.  Chamber and city officials have apparently fawned over the owner’s desire to move to Irving and even engaged in the game of "What Can We Give You To Move."  That’s right…officials seem to be pleading and paving the way with tax abatements, opening the city’s cookie jar and searching for other gift bag items to effect this relocation.

   Reality Pause:  Ask any real estate agent and they will affirm the success of most businesses is keyed to location, location, location.  And, dear readers, Irving has the location.  Past and present city councils have used this as a mantra to lure business concerns to the city for years.  Most businesses moved to Irving as a result of the location and most didn’t have their ‘hat in hand’ looking for a goody bag of bucks or welcome basket loaded with tax abatements or infrastructure perks. 

   This then begs the question:  If Irving has the location, then why is the city council consistently allowing tax abatements and other infrastructure freebies to entice a for-profit business to make the city their home?

   Of course, the answer most often spouted by your elected official is: "Well, (fill in city name) offers tax breaks and incentives!  Irving has to offer or match those incentives to be competitive."  What?

   (Yes, this is the lemming response one would expect from QueenB VD and the Pet Rock collection.  The response doesn’t hold water, but it does fly off the cliff with ease.  And please remember, a lemming response is akin to a Torofeca statement from a member of the council…both carry a rather fetid aroma.)

   Certainly, the city council has little regard when giving away what shouldn’t be theirs to give away in the first place…tax collections and infrastructure incentives which could have been utilized for the benefit of all citizens.  

   (Consider if tax rebates and incentives were not granted: How many additional roads could be repaired or replaced; how many new fire trucks could be purchased; would more repairs and replacement of water and sewer mains prevent rates from increasing?  In essence, the bucks given as incentives force needed items to be fully funded with higher tax collections from citizens to replace what was given away.)

   Agenda Item:  The city council is preparing to waive the "conflict of interest" for the business owner with a ten year agreement wherein the city will only receive 35% of the annual tax collections for the first five years.  Of course, the business owner agrees to hire a number of new employees and crank out a level of business which will meet the stipulations of the agreement.  One might assume if the terms of the agreement are not met, then the business owner could reappear before the council and ask for another waiver.  (When the fox knows where the hen house is located, the return trip is easier.)

   Perhaps, citizens should contact members of the city council to remind them the holiday season is over and there are no more free "gifts" available to grant to for-profit businesses wanting to move to a city that already has location, location, location.

   What’s Next?  Readers should not be surprised when the queen’s ethics policy has additional waivers, reeking of "conflict of interest," pop up on future city council agendas.  Citizens should remember the Whistle Stop development will return featuring a sitting council member as one of the partners of this venture and a major donor and supporter of the queen as another partner in the development.  And don’t forget the single source developer, OliverMcMillan, who holds the key to the queen’s desire for a tennis center on the Texas Stadium site sans any RFP.

   Maybe, QueenB VD should re-revise her ethics policy one more time.  To save paper, effort and confusion, the policy should only be one sentence: It’s ethical to waive "conflict of interest" if I say it’s ethical.  Do you know who I am? (Sorry, that would be a two sentence queenly ethics policy revision.)

…………………………….Mark Holbrook

Friday, January 9, 2015

CCR 01-09-15: Good Vibrations

the   Controversial  Committee   Report
“We don’t raise sacred cows...we just butcher them.”

   Always wanting to be in front of the problem camera, QueenB VD is soliciting the mayor of Dallas to join her in a series of meetings photo ops to jawbone about what is causing the tremors in Irving.  With a brain trust of this magnitude, one can only wonder what they could contribute to the discussion while certified seismologists have yet to discern fact from fiction. 

   Regardless, this ad hoc task force of mayors will probably be as effective as the queen’s ad hoc committee attempting to ban all smoking in the city.  (Want to really see the Irving citizenry shake?  Then, implement QueenB VDs total smoking ban throughout the city for starters.)

   Thinking, perhaps, a kernel of wisdom just might accidentally pop when these two towers of perceived power and political verbosity meet, the CCR dispatched Dylan Westie, Executive Editor and Part-time Wordsmith, to record this initial press conference photo shoot.  Here’s his report, but it is fair to state he left early as the meeting lasted only ten minutes.  

   (However, twenty new photos of QueenB VD managed to be taken along with ample Channel 5 TV coverage.)

Press Conference Photo Shoot Session
Mayor Rawlings:  Thank all of you for coming today.  Hopefully, we can reach a consensus as to what is causing these seismic activities on our joint border.  And should Irving accidentally slide into Lake Carolyn, then Dallas plans to annex this new waterfront property and develop a cat fish farm.

QueenB VD:  Thanks, mayor Rawlings.  Would you mind moving over a tad so I’m sitting in the center of the conference table?  All of the cameras are aimed at that spot.  Thanks.

Mayor Rawlings:  The queen mayor has asked retired weatherman and ace meteorologist, Troy Dungan, to give us an update on his initial findings…as to the cause of all the earthquakes in Irving.  If Troy cannot figure all this out, then the problem surely lacks resolution.

QueenB VD:  Go, Troy.  Hey, would you mind not standing in front of the cameras?  I need a full frontal pic so the mane flipping is available for the Channel 5 evening news.

Troy Duncan:  Well mayors, my initial conclusion is global warming is caused by drinking beer and eating sausages…uh.  Sorry, wrong civic club luncheon notes.  
   I have ruled out many possible factors, but have yet to identify a singular cause.  What many may have dismissed early on just might be the contributing factor to Irving’s shaking…New Jersey governor, Chris Christi, bouncing up and down giving man-hugs to everyone in Jerry Jones’ sky box at AT&T stadium after the Cowboys win over Detroit.  
   While Arlington should receive the brunt of these vibrating forces, aftershocks could reach Irving with a 3.1 magnitude.  We’ll wait and see if there are any earthquakes reported from Green Bay this weekend before ruling this consideration out.  I’ll keep you posted.  My reports are as accurate as all my previous weather predictions.

Mayor Rawlings:  Thank you, Troy.  Keep up the good work and investigation.  Your consultant’s check will be paid by the city of Irving.

QueenB VD:  Hey, Rawlings, who put you in charge?  Do you know who I am?  Before we adjourn the meeting, I would like to let every Irving citizen know I am doing everything queenly possible to resolve the issue and stop all this shaking.  The tremors are even causing my Pet Rocks to chip as they bounce against each other.   
   To fully address the issue, I have a chamber of commerce ‘breakfast with the mayor’ scheduled, a council meeting and a town hall gathering where I’ll answer questions after all the photos are taken with the attendees.  Autographed copies will be available for $19.95 each.  All proceeds from the sale of my glamor shots will go to: Save Irving’s Quake Children…who just happen to live in Hackberry Creek behind the guarded gates.  I will also have the city manager sponsor a benefit on the Texas Musicians Museum site for this worthy cause.  It will be a terrific concert featuring Carly Simon, Jerry Lee Lewis and the Beach Boys singing their tribute songs to Irving’s quake and shake problems.
   Additionally, I’ll be meeting with: Rotary Club members, animal shelter personnel, Saudi Prince Mega-bucks, girl basketball teams, Tea Party representative Rodney "Bogus-gate Complaint" Anderson, the regional Time-Warner cable official, tennis center developers, airport runway home builders, single source developers, ICTN, and the US Conference of Mayors.  With each photo flash, in all these meetings, they will realizing I am dead serious about the "earth moving under my feet."
   Believe me, all this shaking is messing with my mane flipping.  And I will not rest until the last photo flash ends this natural occurrence in my city realm.  
   While I may be a bit late to address this vibrating issue, rest assured I will always be early for a photo shoot and publicity.

………………..Mark Holbrook


Wednesday, January 7, 2015

CCR 01-07-15: Boots Quaking?

the   Controversial  Committee   Report
“We don’t raise sacred cows...we just butcher them.”

   Okay, would everyone take a deep breath.  Relax and pop an anxiety pill.  And curtail the unending posting of shallow earthquake notations and experiences on Twit-er and FaceBook.

   Fact: Irving does not sit on the San Andreas fault line.  Irving is not located in California.

   Sure, Irving is experiencing a rash of minor ground tremors.  Opinions on the actual causes are being batted back and forth with no discernible conclusion apparent.  

   (Rumor has it QueenB VD believes if her tennis center is built on the old Texas Stadium site the tremors will cease.)

   Always wanting to be of service, staff of the CCR hired their own single source developer/scientific consultant to visit the site which appears to be the epicenter of all this activity.  After spending an hour at the site and billing the CCR for $1.6M, plus requiring special roads and drainage improvements for a pet project, here is what is actually causing the Jerry Lee Lewis Whole Lotta’ Shaking Going On-movements in the city:

Summary of Irving Earthquake Activity
  1. The earthquakes are not caused by the freakin’ frackin.’
  2. The earthquakes are not caused by the hole Jerry Jones left at the old Texas Stadium site.
  3. The earthquakes are caused by a low tire on QueenB VDs carriage.  This low tire pressure causes a thumping on the pavement which vibrates the ground as she travels from photo op to photo op.

   You can now resume your daily activities without fear or concern…unless standing on a curb as QueenB VD passes you at the speed of a camera flash.

………………..Mark Holbrook

P.S.  There is no truth to the rumor that New Jersey governor, Chris Christi, jumping up and down in Jerry Jones’ sky box at AT&T stadium had any effect on Irving’s seismology activity. 

Reference: DMN, 01-07-15, Avi Selk