Friday, May 20, 2011

ZAP! #57: Drink Pink

ZAP! #57...May20, 2011

You know that roiling and stomach-gurgling feeling you get after eating Mexican food from a street vendor in Tijuana? And your only thought after doing this was: When will my entire body explode?

Well, Irving voters, welcome to the mayoral run-off election between Gears and VanDuyne. All you have to do is sit back and wait for the explosion.

Could the staff of the CCR be alone in this perception of the run-off election? Maybe, that was real ground beef in those tacos. Maybe...we’ll be right back after our mad dash to the porcelain latrine.

To test our sentiments regarding public perceptions on the run-off election, we went to the CCRs ever present e-mail depository...located in a Mayonnaise jar on the front porch of our double-wide trailer. While we cannot predict a winner in this race, we plan to watch the fracas while sipping Pepto-Bismol.© And here’s what some CCR inquiring minds are wondering.

Hey Mark--

Before making up my mind, do you think one of the candidates would answer a burning question I have? I would like to know: If Gears is re-elected, what is he going to get, receive or be provided by Billy Bob? Surely, there must be something waiting for him under the table or in his campaign slush fund. I mean, look at all the money this dude has spread all over Gears. Gears has been basted with bucks better than a Thanksgiving Day turkey! (Note: Over $200,000 thus far and still being basted!)

signed: Really Curious

Dear Curious:

Staff of the CCR would like to know the answer to that question too. However, we’re afraid any answer given by Gears would have to be processed through the lie, spin and parse detector. The resulting response would probably be: “None of your business.” Of course, it is your business to know and you should not give up in attempting to divine the truth. Truth...a condition most politicians (Gears in this case) find disturbing when campaigning.

If he did happen to gain some pecuniary benefit from the campaign, maybe the excess bucks could be used to: Settle any pesky federal tax liens; Donate to a cause near and dear to his heart -- The Schwarzenegger Trust Fund for Illegitimate Kids; Buy the firemen’s union PAC a new SUV for future campaigns; Open a bar in Billy Bob’s Entertainment Center complex to have a “homey” office to conduct city business.

Dear Mark--

Help! Who should I vote for in the mayor’s run-off election. I supported Putnam and was really sad when he didn’t make the run-off. He was, after all, the best and most honest of all the candidates. This was made apparent after seeing Gears plaster the town with all the terrible, vulgar and false allegations regarding Putnam’s professional service to our community. Gears really showed his seedy side, didn’t he?

Which candidate should I consider supporting in the run-off election?

signed: Confused Voter

Dear Confused--

You are not alone in your confused state. When having to pick between the lesser of two evils, the decision is extremely tough when there really are two evils. However, Gears has been bought and paid for by special interest groups. (Read: Billy Bob, Las Colinas Group, etc.) These folks have plowed hundreds of thousands of dollars into his campaign. And one has to believe they are expecting something in return for their “investment” in the candidate. If the candidate tells you anything different -- that contributions do not influence their voting -- then they believe you to be a fool. And Gears is depending on a lot of Kool-Aid-drinking fools to return to the polls on election day...June 18, 2011.

Mr. Holbrook--

Each of the candidates in the mayor’s run-off seems to be more concerned with attacking the other instead of discussing issues facing our city. Will either candidate step forward and specifically state what they would do if elected?

signed: Still Waiting

Dear Waiting:

Our recommendation: Don’t hold your breath. The reason each candidate is slamming the other is that they have baggage -- both political and personal -- that they would like to keep out of the public eye. And when observing Gears’ personal and political baggage, it seems as if he will need the Longshoremen’s Union to load all the steamer trunks that have accumulated during his tenure on the council. If the Longshoremen’s Union isn’t available, Gears could fall back on the firemen’s union PAC to tote this load. After all, like Gears, this union has been bought and paid for by Billy Bob, too.

Maybe, this is why Gears has been such an ardent supporter of the Entertainment Center. He needs Billy Bob to provide space in the proposed facility to store all his political baggage. Of course, the project currently has no storage is just a $23 million plan that has kept all the political pimps on life support until results of the run-off election are known. Hopefully, voters will pull the plug.