Tuesday, September 27, 2011

Obama Speeches for Dummies

The O-file

(Inside the president’s mind documenting what he really isn’t saying.)

Some of my critics are saying that my grand speeches are instigating class warfare, playing the race card, being critically divisive, vilifying corporations, demonizing Republicans, and treating my opponents like they are un-American.

Let me say this about that...horse hockey!

The truth is, all of my speeches are great and just sound the same. If there is any fault or blame with the rhetoric in my grand speeches, then this should be directed to my Mr. TelePrompter. You see, Mr. TelePrompter is why I give such grand speeches. And Mr. TelePromoter is pre-programmed and inserts the proper phrases in the speech depending on the audience I am standing in front of. Without Mr. TelePrompter I would sound like Ron Paul on crack cocaine.

Let me give you a clear example of my latest speech that any mouth-breathing, Tea Party follower could understand. Last week I was pimping promoting my Jobs for America Tax Increase and Phony Debt Reduction Plan. I was “speeching” to one of my base group of supporters -- the Congressional Black Caucus. To garner their support, love and get them motivated like in 2008, Mr. TelePrompter admonished the group: “...you’ve got to get your marching shoes on.”

As I continue to travel around the country as the Campaigner-in-Chief for 2012 at tax payer’s expense, Mr. TelePrompter will change the speech as I address the following groups. The main line will now be: “...you’ve got to get your ______ on.” Mr. TelePrompter will fill in the blank with the proper shoes for one of my major support groups: Hollywood elite = Golf Shoes; Hispanics = Pointy-toed Boots; Asians = Sandals; Gays = Light Loafers; Union Workers = Steel-toed Boots; Aleuts = Sealskin Boots; Indians (American) = Moccasins, and Welfare Recipients = House Slippers.

See how easy it is to appeal to everyone, make them love me and have them think that the Chosen One is just like them. And the real advantage to all this is that Mr. TelePrompter saves me so much time on speech writing that I can play golf and vacation more frequently. And if you don’t believe me, I have played more rounds of golf in two years than George W. Bush did in eight years.

Now, that’s the only thing I can’t blame on Bush!

………………………Mark Holbrook