Sunday, October 30, 2011

CCR 10-30-11: The Noshing of Titans

the Controversial Committee Report

“We don’t raise sacred cows...we just butcher them.”

The Noshing of Titans

(A sad suburban and very Grimm fairy tale)


Mark Holbrook

Once upon a time in a kingdom far, far away (but so very near), two groups of citizens were at war for the very soul of their kingdom. (And this had nothing to do with the skins they were in.) At odds as to how to save and achieve the salvation of the kingdom were the Vested Ones and the Meanies.

The Vested Ones believed that their arch enemy, the Meanies (so named by a Vested One), were mere specks of inconsequential matter and not enlightened enough to have a voice on public issues. After all, the Vested Ones had been entrusted with a magic vote button. And to be sure, the Vested Ones used this tool as a primary weapon in wrecking havoc on the Meanies.

As possessors of the magic vote button, the Vested Ones believed that their decision making abilities and skills had been ordained by the Vatican and that their judgements were as akin to papal infallibility as one could get without being a Catholic. Besides, all their decisions were made from the sacred bully pulpit built and financed by the Meanies.

It was from this bully pulpit that the Vested Ones unleashed their arsenal of other weapons that would spin and provide fluffy rationale in their attempt to quell and subdue the Meanies. In addition to their magic vote button, the Vested Ones utilized PowerPoint to turn fiction into fact. And while PowerPointing the Meanies, they sipped generous doses of Kool-Aid provided by members of the “family” who were handsomely paid to keep the supply of this mind altering and intoxicating liquid flowing. It was these methods that the Vested Ones relied on to drive the Meanies into their perceived proper place in the community...obscurity. And if the time should ever become necessary, the Vested Ones and “family” would unleash the most expensive and devastating of all their rhetorical weapons...6-Sigma.

After all, the Vested Ones believed the Meanies were not only ‘mean spirited,‘ but not worthy of salvation or consideration in the public debate. Certainly, the Vested Ones believed that Meanies should not opine in the marketplace of free ideas or ever question the infallibility of the Vested Ones puffy decisions. To do so was complete heresy in the eyes of the Vested Ones!

Cast from modest environs, the Meanies were noted as being individuals not prone to drinking the mind altering Kool-Aid or accepting, as fact, the watershed of epistles often preached by Vested Ones. In truth, the Meanies conducted their own research and relied on spreading the rational word to friends and associates to counter the fluff and puff disseminated by Vested Ones.

And this is what caused the great friction and barrier between the two groups. The Meanies wanted everyone to hear the truth and know the fallacy being perpetrated upon the masses, while the Vested Ones wanted to ensure that they could remain in control to continue consuming the perks and benefits of being a holder of the magic voting button. Concerned with the high maintenance cost the Vested Ones were imposing on the citizenry by their actions, the Meanies believed that the masses were being shortchanged and their personal fortunes were slowly being depleted. The kingdom was already suffering from widespread depression and the Vested Ones were adding more unnecessary glitter to this financial quagmire.

When the Vested Ones were accosted with the reality of the many edicts being inflicted on Meanies, their condescending rhetoric could be heard throughout the kingdom. The Vested Ones were not fearful of the Meanies, because the Meanies were not organized or represented by huge numbers...they thought. The Vested Ones believed that their positions were safe, because the Meanies and those who followed them would go away and certainly forget all the skirmishes of different opinions when the time came to select new holders of the magic vote button.

You see, the Vested Ones knew what the Meanies didn’t know. As holders of the magic vote button, Vested Ones could: inflate their egos; slip Kool-Aid until soaked like a sponge; attend games and events in the $485,000 chamber of commerce Cowboys Stadium suite; nosh ad nauseam when attending lavish Dean Deal receptions and trips; pontificate like the wind of a hurricane gale; shame those who would question their infallibility on issues; belittle those who attempted to demonstrate less costly approaches to problems; disregard all Meanies as ‘mean spirited’; collect huge sums of campaign funds from kissers of the Vested Ones rings; issue costly consultant edicts without regards to accountability; fail in desiring that McDougalville would look like the Las Colinas development; stifle and over regulate small businesses; elevate the Billy Bob Boondoggle to the status of the 8th wonder of the world; allow taxes and fees to skyrocket; and more or say whatever it takes to remain in power as a Vested One.

However, there was one fact that the Meanies did know unbeknownst to the Vested Ones. Kool-Aid addiction could limit the terms that a Vested One could properly function. And with this knowledge, the Meanies began a crusade to solicit support to construct a home for those suffering from this addiction. This home would allow wrinkled, soused, and demented Vested Ones to permanently retire and obtain the assistance and treatment they so rightfully needed and deserved. The home would be the Meanies gift to the community and built without spending any tax payer funds.

Moral of the Fairy Tale: If you know a Vested One suffering from any of these conditions, drop them a note and let them know you are picking up an application for their future admittance into Irving’s Kool-Aid Addiction Center for the Terminally Hopeless.

A reader sez: This was excellent and as usual so close to reality. Anonymous

We Say: Reality is not a realm that the Vested Ones care to visit. Mark Holbrook

A reader sez: Should be a must read for every politician wanting to run for office in Irving. Just too funny and so close to the truth - scary. Anonymous

We Say: Aren’t you assuming that all future Vested Ones can read? Some recent votes by current Vested Ones might bring this into question. Mark Holbrook