Monday, June 25, 2012

the O-file: Bad Week

The O-file 
(Inside the president’s mind documenting what he really isn’t saying.)
     Now that I’ve finished my latest, best selling book, “Why Work When You Can Play Golf,” detailing my first three years in the White House, I can get back to the important aspects of my primary job as your president...campaign fund raising.  Boy, I really enjoy flying all over the USA in Air Force One fleecing the flock for campaign bucks while charging these trips to tax payers!  And some book writers think that I’m just an ‘amateur.’  Let’s see an amateur raise that many dollars from the Hollywood elite.
     You just don’t understand how fulfilling it is to go from a do nothing ‘community organizer’ to a do nothing president.  Is this a great country or what?  At least it was before I took over. (snicker)
     Listen, I need to work hard raising cash, because it hasn’t been a very good week here in the White House.  It seems that after Mr. TelePrompter burned out a bulb, everything else just went down the toilet.  I even had to ad lib remarks when speaking to a group of college students.  It seems that my message ended up as “More weed, less testing.”  Once again, my voice of personal experience actually came in handy.
     You know it’s a bad week for me when:
  • My Attorney General drags me into the “Fast and Furious” fiasco.  This guy seems to be fighting the “War on Drugs” by siding with the Mexican cartels.  What was he thinking by allowing his people to sell assault weapons to banditos?
  • By exercising executive privilege for the “Fast and Furious” documents Congress wants from the Attorney General, I now realize how Nixon felt when he was attempting to secrete items that would singe his posterior.
  • Speaking of Nixon, I could sure use his ‘plumbers’ to hide all the leaks that made the front page of the New York Slimes newspaper.  Look, those leaks of national security measures were made by my staff to impress independent voters and have them think that I was just a good old, gun-toting, bible thumping Bubba not afraid to whack a few terrorists. 
  • I’m going to have to improve my ‘bowing’ routine.  It’s bad enough that I appear subservient to all the other world leaders at the G-20 Conference, but to have Putin actually sit there and smirk at me like I’m some kind of wuss is just not fair.  Maybe I should unleash rough him up a bit.
  • Can you believe that some think I’m pandering for the Latino vote by telling Homeland Security not to enforce the laws regarding deporting illegal aliens?  Hopefully, my Supreme Court appointments will agree with me on this and also strike down all the Arizona enforcement laws.  I need these voters.  
  • Why are folks laughing at the “Obama 2012” campaign by asking folks to set up a wedding ‘gift’ registry?  Look, isn’t a donation to my campaign better than receiving a dumb gravy boat as a wedding present?  The campaign is also working out the details of establishing an ‘inheritance‘ registry for those who have someone pass before the November election.  The slogan will be: “Fertilize the Obama campaign by not planting your bucks with Uncle Ned.”
  • Since the Supreme Court might not like my ObamaCare mandates, I plan to ask Congress to keep the ‘death panel’ provisions so I can strengthen my Florida voting numbers.  This will assist in keeping all the deceased fogies on the voter rolls for the November election.
     Once I finish spraying political teflon on all the above issues, it will be smooth sailing to November.  I still have the media believing everything I utter, so there is little chance that the truth will ever be discovered.  As long as I can continue to make Romney sound like a carping, whining, old rich fool, The One will prevail.  Am I the greatest or what?
     And for the record, Abe Lincoln was wrong.  You can fool ALL the people ALL of the time with the help of the media...and the voters will never be the wiser.  Now where is that new bulb for Mr. TelePrompter?
the CCR  06-25-12