Monday, July 30, 2012

the O-file: Olympic Madness

the O-file 
(Inside the president’s mind documenting what he really isn’t saying.)
     The campaign is going swimmingly.  I’m just having a little trouble keeping my head above water.  They didn’t teach me all these presidential complexities in ‘community organizing‘ school.   
     Michelle is at the Olympics in London on the first of several legs on her summer vacation trek.  She Tweeted me that the fish and chips are a little greasy, but the Guinness helps wash them down.  Sadly, she spilt some beer on the new $7,000 jacket she was wearing.  I’m sure all the middle class and unemployed folks appreciate how she is representing their values and interest.
     However, she did manage to get in a zinger on Mitt’s comment about security at the venue.  What a trooper she is!  She can almost fabricate fiction out of truth as well as me.
     I’ve got to come up with another t-shirt idea.  I see that Mitt is really selling a ton of t-shirts with my blundering quote: “You didn’t build that.”  I never realized that every small business owner in America would hop on his band wagon because of a glitch in Mr. TelePrompter’s script filter.  Actually, I was supposed to say: “You can thank me for your success, because I built the road that runs in front of your business.”  That sounds too long.  Maybe I should shorten it to: I Am The One...Kneel.
     Remember how Clinton use to ‘sell’ the Lincoln bedroom to large donors?  Well, I’ve got a better fund raising idea.  After I took Bon Jovi on a ride in Air Force One to a fund raiser, he donated twice as much to my campaign as he did the first time I ran.  So, I’m going to start selling rides on Air Force One and open up a gift shop on the plane.  Only million dollar or more donors need apply.  That way, I can keep all the “Hot Dog Dinner with Barack” folks pacified.
     My campaign puppet, David Axelrod, has hit political gold-dirt.  He says I should start preaching to all my mindless, entitlement grabbing supporters by telling them we need to concentrate all our campaign efforts on the 3-Rs.  Since most of my supporters are not well educated and might think this means readin’, ritin’ and rithmetic’, I’ll need to let them know that the new 3-Rs we need to focus on stand for: Race, Rich and Republican.  What a brilliant idea!  Revisionist history in the making for the 3-Rs.  If I can stir up the base using these 3-Rs, then I’ll be a step closer to reaching my goals of initiating racial class warfare, socializing the government and becoming the Supreme Leader.  Eat your heart out Kim Jong-um.

     Here’s what I will do.  I’ll plan to have Biden campaign on the first R -- Race.  It looks better when a white guy calls Republicans and Independents racist.  And Jeff Immelt, the CEO of GE and my Jobs Council (which hasn’t met in over six months) chair, will handle the second R -- Rich.  Since he and his company pay virtually no USA taxes, who better to slam rich folks?  Finally, the third R -- Republican will be handled by James Carville.  James can hiss and strike faster than a cobra.  And since he has all the personality features of a snake, he can slither into groups and really inflict a heavy dose of political venom on our opposition.
     With a plan like this, how can I lose?  Now, it’s off to the golf course.  I have to get in a round of golf before I leave the White House for six more fund raisers in California tomorrow.  Then, to New York for five more fund raisers.  Is this a fun job or what?
……………Mark Holbrook