Sunday, October 14, 2012

the O-file: Bong Withdrawal

the O-file 
(Inside the president’s mind documenting what he really isn’t saying.)

     The next item on my to-do list is to send Joe a note of thanks for his performance in the VP debate.  I couldn’t believe how well Joe played the ‘stupid card.‘  It was better than someone three cards short in a full deck of fifty-two.  Classic Joe.  And he didn’t have to plagiarize anyone to achieve this!
     The best thing about Joe’s performance is that the next day, everyone in the media was talking about Joe’s constant laughing, smiling, interrupting, laughing, condescending attitude, laughing, jackass-white teeth, laughing, and failure to get his facts straight.  I wasn’t surprised.  This is how I scripted the debate for Joe.  And you worked.  The media went nuts on Joe’s performance.
     By Joe being such a doofus -- a natural occurrence for him -- he kept Ryan off guard and unable to pounce on my miserable four-year record.  Ryan was unable to exploit, to his advantage, the 23 million unemployed workers, the $16 trillion debt, the bogus 7.8% unemployment number, all the promises that Mr. TelePrompter made during my campaign, the desperate lack of “Hope” for the middle-class, no monetary “Change” given back to small businesses,  my feeble attempts at humor to find Big Bird a new gig, the complete socialization of health care, the hundreds of new tax increases that will effect all tax payers, and my head-in-the-sand lying about the murder of our Benghazi ambassador and three other Americans in Libya.  Thanks saved my hide.  Now get busy keeping a lid on this Benghazi-gate affair until after the election.  
     A few cute rejoinders that I also provided Joe for the debate were the Sara Palin, malarkey and John Kennedy zingers.  This was designed to make Ryan seem like a little schoolboy lost in the hallway on the first day of school.  Hopefully, this will translate to voters being wary of Ryan becoming president -- should anything ever happened to Romney.  While I realize that Ryan would be more effective than a ‘community organizer’ in the White House, my purpose was to instill ‘fear’ in voter’s minds.  After all, fear works better than my failed record in this campaign.  Especially, since I cannot defend all the disasters I have perpetrated on the American psychic.
     Of course, I need to promise the American voters, if re-elected, that I will serve out my full four years so there will be no chance of Joe ever being president.  If voters thought the country was in trouble now, think what it would be like if something happened to me and Joe was placed in charge.  Can you imagine him having serious nuclear talks with Putin?  Or telling the Chinese to increase the number of fortune cookies in his take-out orders?  They would be the ones laughing this time.
     Now, I need to start preparing for my second debate with Romney.  Joe provided the momentum for me going into this debate, so I need to polish the glass on Mr. TelePrompter.  I need to really move the audience with my flowery rhetoric!  My supporters just love the way I deliver a speech.  The beauty of this is that they even believe all the things that I say will come to pass.  I’ve got news for Abraham Lincoln.  You can fool all of the people all of the time...over and over again.  This has to be true, since my base just keeps working tirelessly while I keep shortchanging them and the rest of the American public.  Words...I couldn’t be president without Mr. TelePrompter.
     My debate plans are to hit Romney on his religion without hinting about my ‘socialistic’ teachings from Rev. Jeremiah Wright, re-focus on my imaginary ‘war on women’ that I say Republicans have instituted, and have voters believe Romney is just a fat cat, rich businessman who is going to protect only his coupon clipping buddies.  This should get my base of mouth-breathers excited.  And if all this works effectively, I can steer clear of those pesky issues and failures that have accumulated over the past four years.  Boy, I wish I had a record to run on.  This sure would make my task of influencing the debate more promising.
     While I’m thinking about it, I need to let my buddies in my old Hawaiian Choom Gang know that I will not be needing any more weed for the second debate.  I’ve decided to go cold turkey on this one.  The Big Kahuna weed they sent the last time caused me to look tired, unprepared and too lethargic.  Hell, I almost fell asleep at the podium and the moderator didn’t provide any snacks to munch on during the exchanges.
     I need to perform with only Mr. TelePrompter this time and not hit the bong pipe beforehand.  I know Michelle will be happy.  She cannot stand the smell of weed smoke on my clothes. 
A note from counsel: These “candid” presidential brain synapses have been injected with fabricated nouns, verbs, adjectives, conjunctions, adverbs, modifiers and maybe a few dangling participles -- just like when he speaks….Mark Holbrook