Sunday, October 7, 2012

the O-file: Blowing Smoke

the O-file 
(Inside the president’s mind documenting what he really isn’t saying.)

     Okay, the gloves are off.  It’s time to activate all my Chicago-thug enforcers ‘workers’ to break a few arms, harvest some dead voters from the voting rolls and spread massive amounts of ‘walking around‘ money across all the electoral swing states.  
     I really didn’t appreciate Romney wiping the floor with my perfidious rhetoric during the debate.  His command of the facts and exposing all the problems I have created in four years didn’t allow me to blame Bush for anything.
     He scored more points than when Biden said the ‘middle class has been buried’ for the past four years!  Does Biden realize who has been president for the past four years?  I sure hope he can keep his senility in check until after the election.  If not his senility, then his mouth!
     And speaking of Vice Presidents, I’m glad I didn’t drop Biden and appoint Hillary.  That cold-hearted policy wonk should have her head placed on a pike for allowing the murder of our ambassador, two Navy SEALs and another embassy employee by al Qaeda terrorists due to not providing the requested security for the embassy.  She can point all the fingers she wants, but the ultimate responsibility was hers to ensure that our state department personnel were protected.  I will ramp up the chatter on this issue to ensure that her previous comeuppances are finally vindicated and that no one points a blaming finger at me.  Let’s see Bill bail her out of this one.  
     To get my re-election campaign back on track, there will be some major changes.  The first step is to ramp up my prevarications.  Why tell the truth when a lie is more believable?  I’ll also accuse Romney of lying more than me to assist in covering my tracks.  And we already know that I can lie with the best of them.  I’ve had four years of practice. 
     I’ve also requested that my Chicago-thug ‘workers’ move FORWARD on ‘convincing’ Bureau of Labor Statistics personnel that the unemployment rate has, in fact, dropped below 8%.  When my ‘workers’ informed BLS personnel that this would greatly assist my campaign and assure that their grandchildren would be returned on November 7th, they saw the light.  My ‘workers‘ have found that this method of persuading folks doesn’t run afoul of PETA.  After all, think of all the horse heads in beds that have been spared utilizing this process.
     I’ve alerted my yammering PR flakes, who are the spokespersons for the campaign, to pull out all the stops.  They need to pounce on Romney like buzzards on a dead carcass.  Also, his religion should be classified as stranger than the years of indoctrination provided me by that great “redistribution” mentor of mine, Rev. Jeremiah Wright.  Four more years in the White House will allow me to implement all the teachings Rev. Wright has instilled in me on how to crush entrepreneurialism.  When re-elected, the “social” fabric of America will be one color, one shape and subject to all the whims and governmental interventions of The One...that’s me.
     I will announce a temporary halt on all Drone attacks targeting terrorist cells.  The ultra left pansies are still complaining about killing terrorists without their knowing a bomb is coming in their direction.  They say this doesn’t allow these jihadist to qualify for their virgin allotment.  Good point, but why does everyone have to be a critic?  
     My Hollywood buddy, Harvey Weinstein, will be releasing his movie, “SEAL Team Six: The Raid on Osama bin Laden,” documenting how I personally killed bin Laden.  Hopefully, this will secure me the NRA vote from all those gun toting puddin’ heads.  I’ll invite some Navy SEALs to the premiere so they can actually see how this was done first hand.  If the movie is as successful as Harvey has promised, then I should receive a percentage of the gross and royalties from any action figures sold of...Obama the Terminator.
     On the entertainment scene, I want to have rapper Snoop Dogg and actor Samuel L. Jackson increase their profanity and weed-laced endorsements.  Those YouTube videos are not only entertaining for all the pot heads who support me, but remind me of my Hawaiian high school, high jinks days when I must have smoked a ton of weed.  Frankly, former VP Al Gore was wrong.  I wasn’t high due to the altitude in Denver for the debate...I was just channeling and having a flashback of my ‘glory days’ of weed smoking and drug experimentation in Hawaii and college.
     If we can achieve all of these goals, then it will be four more years of fancy vacations for Michelle, golf every weekend for me and attending an unlimited number of ‘rubber chicken’ dinners where everyone smiles, pats me on the back and tells me that truly you are...The One.  
     Can I have an Amen and four more years?

A note from counsel: These “candid” presidential brain synapses have been injected with fabricated nouns, verbs, adjectives, conjunctions, adverbs, modifiers and maybe a few dangling participles -- just like when the president speaks….Mark Holbrook