the Controversial Committee Report
“We don’t raise sacred cows...we just butcher them.”
All We Want for Christmas is…
Stop your sled! Staff of the CCR would like to change our Christmas request. At the time we mailed our Christmas letter, we thought all we wanted was a few non-spinning, honest politicians and bureaucrats. Then, we realized that even Santa couldn’t deliver the impossible.
Now, we would like for you to bring us a magic front door mat. It appears that the city’s only known magic front door mat has become inoperable due to excessive exposure to sunlight and possible litigation.
While we realize that magic front door mat orders are hard to fulfill, we know that you and the elves wouldn’t mind putting in a little overtime to complete this order. Can you imagine all the goodwill and cheer the CCR could bring to its readers and the city if we had our own magic front door mat? The bounty we could spread would be boundless.
Staff of the CCR would promise that we would be good all year and treat the magic front door mat with extreme care and caution. We understand how easily it might be to allow the mat to venture into shady areas, but promise that only those deserving of its benefits (in our opinion) would reap the rewards. It will be like Christmas morning each day when we go to the front door, lift the mat and see what has magically been left for us to dole out.
To demonstrate how sincere we are about wanting a magic front door mat, the staff of the CCR would limit its initial use to some of the following needs:
- Cowboys, Mavericks, Stars and Ranger ducats appearing under the mat will be given to friends, cronies and other ‘special’ individuals who would be in a position to assist the CCR down the road. And since we need all the help we can garner, this would be a tremendous opportunity to give something away to someone that didn’t cost us anything.
- Finding a private elevator key to the La Cima Club would allow us to zip to the top floor and dine on the company’s dime without having to be bothered by all the riffraff in the lobby. This would also make our ingress and egress less noticeable by the peons whose tax dollars support our fine cuisine dining habit.
- Imagine our thrill when we find a case of the new BlackBerry 6000EC PDAs to give to our most trusted friends and associates. This will allow staff of the CCR to communicate and store data with highly sophisticated Encryption Coding that even the CIA couldn’t break. We wouldn’t have to worry about the pesky DMN reporters wanting to see our files. Let them go to the Texas AG if they want some info.
- We’ll be smiles (from ear-to-ear) when we lift the mat and find brown envelopes stuffed with Benjamins for us to distribute to all the special interest groups, council candidates and other ‘needy’ individuals in the community. If it takes ‘green grease’ to keep the skids slick on the political machine, then we can to be as eco-friendly as all the others corrupting the political system.
- Finding the deed for a vacant chunk of property in the downtown McDougalville development will come in handy for the CCR to build a new hangout for the crew of the Irving branch of the Lubbock mafia. Now that this group has hit the mattresses due to legal skirmishes embroiling the city, this “member’s lodge” will give them a hideout and provide monthly rental income to the CCR.
Santa, staff of the CCR has been really good this year. We have added new readers to our e-mail list and only had to drop four Kool-Aid addicted souls who just couldn’t grasp the reality of what city government was doing to them. And yes, we still believe in you. It’s the politicians and bureaucrats we have trouble believing.
Thank you in advance for our magic front door mat Christmas present.