Sunday, November 11, 2012

the O-file: Fried Brain Time

the O-file 
(Inside the president’s mind documenting what he really isn’t saying.)

November 7, 2012
(A day that will live in disgraceful infamy)

     Until further notice, my presidential-brain mass is going to go into complete shutdown mode.*  While some may believe my presidential-brain mass has been in shutdown mode for the past four years, this time I will make it official.  There will be no more documenting my inner thoughts in the O-file.  And the reason why?  After winning re-election, my presidential-brain mass will be going into...Party-Party-Party mode.  The party starts as soon as I finish this round of golf. (I can play again now that the campaign is over.)

     Yes, it’s time to ‘get down’ with all my peeps.  Now that all the moronic, unwashed masses who want me to give them something -- like Santa Claus does -- are happy, it’s time for me to get happy.  Isn’t America great in that we don’t have an IQ test for voters?  

     I’ve already sent Air Force One to Hawaii to pick up former members of my old Choom Gang.  They will store all the weed for my partying in diplomatic pouches to avoid any custom checks.  I’ve told them to bring a four-year supply.  It’s definitely going to be ME-time.

     If anything presidential should happen while I’m in presidential Party-Party-Party mode, I’ve told VP “Plugs-head” Biden to take charge and say something stupid.  That has always worked in the past.  The media has been trained to forget the issue of the day and concentrate on Biden’s inane comments and gaffs.  And if that guy ‘Ben Ghazi’ keeps trying to get my attention, Biden will tell him that I’ve never have never heard of him.

     There are a lot of folks to thank for supporting my re-election effort.  This is a partial list of those who were front and center: all simpleminded actors and musicians (they didn’t know the first thing about the state of our economy), Occupy Wall Street flakes (protest against the ‘establishment’ gave me an out for my failed agenda), Rap lyric mumblers (spewed and unleashed vulgar and hateful zingers about Mitt...thanks Jay-Z, Snoop Dog and Kanye West), George Soros (nothing like an unlimited amount of bucks to spend on campaign ads), Bureau of Labor Statistics (again you proved figures don’t lie, liars figure and the unemployment rate didn’t reflect the actual number of folks not working), Vladimir Putin (Sorry Putin, I’m not going to get back with you.  Call Joe.), dead Chicago voters, manufacturers of Prozac (with half of the USA depressed, dividends for this company will soar), AG Eric Holder (your ability not to investigate and stonewalling was just what we needed each time), New Black Panthers (voter intimidators par excellence), MSNBC (kiss, kiss Chris Matthews), Bill Clinton (nothing like a good womanizer to be your point person for the fictional ‘war on women’ issue), NBC (thanks Brian Williams for all the softball questions), Debbie Wasserman Schultz (your ability to tell a lie to get out of admitting to an original lie was phenomenal), Hillary Clinton (she will learn in the Benghazi hearings that 2016 isn’t going to happen for her), CNN (hugs, hugs Candy Crowley), Mahmoud Ahmadinejad (how’s that bomb making coming along), White voters (welcome to minority class status), GM union workers (thugs and money = a great combination to get out the vote), bankrupt green energy companies (still sucking down stimulus funds like vampires), fluffy interviews with the “Pimp That Limps,” “The View” and Comedy Central (just call me a ‘cool’ president), Hugo Chavez (dude, we both fooled the huddled masses), Navy SEALs (thanks for not going ballistic when I took credit for killing bin Laden), Karl Rove and Dick Morris (your over-the-top hope and optimism helped create the cliff necessary for massive depression of the electorate), Kim Jong-un (those sanctions too tight), PBS and Big Bird (for kicking Romney’s cat over cutting funds), Obama Doctrine (kowtowing to all Middle East leaders allowed them to see my ‘sensitive’ and submissive side), small businesses (told you they didn’t build that), Rev. Jeremiah Wright (yes, we’re now on target for complete socialization and redistribution), Donald Trump (always good to have a rich twit and ego maniac slamming you), Nobel Peace Prize committee (I love the smell of drone strikes shredding terrorists in the morning), Dow Jones stock averages (be ready for some real backsliding when all the new tax increases hit), Hurricane Sandy and NJ Gov.Christi (you stifled the Romney debate-surge in the polls), Black preachers (thanks for turning your backs on my same-sex marriage endorsement), Catholic bishops (you’ll see that ObamaCare works better than the rhythm method...snicker), Bill Ayers (didn’t need any bombs made this time, but stand by), David Axelrod (if the planet stopped rotating, the speed of your spinning could cause a 23-hour day), AARP (the check is in the mail for your endorsing and approving ObamaCare), Hu Jintao of China (you guys will be needing to buy another truck load of our debt pretty soon), Jews (I’ll try to drop by the next time I fly over Israel), Teacher unions (higher pay and lower performance standards are on the way), Rush Limbaugh (now, who is the bigger liar...fatty), and Jay Carney (you proved that a WH press secretary with a political lobotomy can still sing the party line).

     However, I really want to thank a key person who made my re-election possible -- Mitt Romney.  He was such a decent and moral guy that he would never get down and wallow in the campaign mud with me and my Chicago thugs.  He had plenty of opportunities to let the voting public know what a ‘community organizing’ empty suit I was, but chose the high road instead.  He kept discussing my failed record and voters just couldn’t believe that I had screwed up the country that bad...even though I had.  Also, I thought for awhile that the Clint Eastwood “empty chair” analogy would stick and turn voters off.  It was close, but didn’t happen.  Folks figured Clint was suffering from dementia and actually believed he was talking to someone in the chair. 

     Special thanks also go to Romney’s wife, Ann, who was so gracious on the campaign trail.  She would relate to every audience how she was going to work for all those less fortunate.  She was so sincere.  Believe me, this was totally different than Michelle playing the race card at every event she attended while giving donuts to all the chunky folks in the audience.

     Finally, I have to give credit where all credit is due.  The most important factor that made my re-election effort possible was -- Mr. TelePrompter.  Ever since the Democrat Convention, Mr. TelePrompter has been at my side.  He has allowed me to sound like I knew what I was talking about.  He has skillfully created phrases that made my opponent look like a money grubbing, entitlement killing, income protectionist, middle-class hating Wall Street usurer.  And more importantly, he allowed me to responded to sticky questions and problems without even giving understandable or truthful answers.  And this is the secret as to why so many folks thought that I really was The One who could walk on water without having to step on any stones! 

     Mr. TelePrompter’s role was so important to my re-election effort that I’m going to ask Congress to appropriate funds to have his image chiseled on Mount Rushmore next to the four presidents.  After all, he did more during the four years of my first term than I did.  This recognition would only be fitting for someone whose image should one day be printed on the $100 bill. 

     Just think...Mr. TelePrompter in stone on Mount Rushmore and me getting stoned with the Choom Gang while Party-Party-Partying for four more years.  Don’t you just love the sound of that...four more years!

     In closing the O-file at this time, let me say with a giggle in my heart: God bless America and weed.  Anyone have any munchies?

 ………………………………….…………………….Mark Holbrook

*  Archive postings of previous presidential thoughts at:
A note from counsel: These “candid” presidential-brain synapses have been injected with fabricated nouns, verbs, adjectives, conjunctions, adverbs, modifiers and maybe a few dangling participles -- just like when he speaks.