Friday, June 7, 2013

ZAP! #124: String Pullers

ZAP! #124

     This runoff election and city council indecisiveness has caused clauses, from producing reports, on the finger tips of the CCR staff.  To escape all the spin, prevarications and flood of robo calls and a mailbox cluttered with slick and very expensive brochures, staff took two days off from ‘kicking the cat’ to go visit a dear, old and really dead friend...Carlo Collodi.

     Don’t know who Carlo is?  Name doesn’t ring a bell?  Think Geppetto and Pinocchio.  Yes, Carlo wrote the classic tale of a poor woodcarver who fashioned and created a marionette whose nose grew each time he told a lie.   No, Pinocchio wasn’t an Irving politician, but he could have been a good one.  Just review all the mud, sans any grass roots, and falsehoods being slung in the Place 2 runoff election by one of the current candidates.

     Since the CCR hasn’t ‘endorsed’ or told readers who to vote for in the Place 2 runoff (Stewart vs. Meagher), we thought we would have Carlo update his fairy tale classic and create a new, political savvy puppet who could fool voters and win the Irving runoff election without ever breaking a string.  Here’s how Carlo might envision his new marionette.

Carlo:  First, I would fashion the puppet out of cedar wood.  This will be very important.  Since this puppet’s nose will not grow when he tells a lie, I’ll be having him take a tequila shot for each fib he tells.  His nose will turn a luminous deep red color...even brighter than that reindeer character.  The cedar wood will also help mask the alcohol aroma around citizens.  The tequila shots are necessary to keep him in an inebriated state for future council meetings.  Also, his head will be much larger in proportion to his body or ego.  This is required for him to retain all the spin and canned responses he’ll need on the campaign trail and for meetings.  At all social gatherings and meetings, his handlers will utilize a digital remote control to trigger the necessary response to any mundane question.  He’ll sound like Einstein when discussing how to fill pot holes on citizens’s streets.

CCR:    I recall that Pinocchio had a friend, Jiminy Cricket.  Will your updated political-weasel in this new fairytale have any associates assisting him with political bamboozling?

Carlo:  Oh sure.  His handlers and financiers will be there each step of the way.  After all, someone will have to pull his strings when it comes time for him to vote.  I think I’ll provide him with two main associates: a local lech who will provide him with his political-moral compass and a two-headed PAC-ogre that will flash the cash, buy the votes, pay all his expenses and assist the lech in pouring the tequila shots.  After all, the better ‘lubricated’ the puppet is, the better his voting record will be for the special interest of the lech and two-headed PAC-ogre.

CCR:  Wow, Carlo.  You have really captured the essence of a modern day Irving political candidate.  I’m sure that Disney will be banging on your door for the screenplay for this new fairy tale.  What will Geppetto name his new puppets?

Carlo:  Well, the lech will be called Lotharo* and the two-headed PAC-ogre will be Moola.*  The name for the star of this fairytale will be: Scanty.*  I anticipate that Scanty will become as well know as Pinocchio was for generations to come.  After all, when one considers the company that Scanty keeps to get elected, his antics when throwing back tequila shots and his prevarications each and every time he opens his mouth or might opine in a meeting, you’ll just have to enjoy the crimson glow of his nose and love him as being one of the ‘old gang’ of political lushes that dot the Irving landscape.

CCR:  Thanks Carlo.  While you’ve temporarily entertained us, you have instilled a new fear for Irving’s future in the Place 2 runoff election.  Scanty could be the puppet-clone that causes Irving to become lost in the enchanted forest of citizen desires.  And that makes this a very frightening fairy tale indeed.

…………………….Mark Holbrook

*  Note:  Models for these characterizations available upon e-mail request for those who might have difficulty with reading between-the-lines comprehension, or actually thinking while under the influence of Kool-Aid.  Hint: There is nothing ‘grass roots’ about these’s all about the money.