Friday, August 23, 2013

ZAP! #136: He Said/She Said

     ZAP! #136

     The great thing about the DMN is their supply of printing ink.  Keeping folks informed on the continuing and always festering feud between the Hatfields ex-mayor HG and the McCoys mayor BVD, requires more of an ink inventory than the CCR could afford.

     The latest verbal flinging between these two individuals appeared in the DMN today.  (See the links below for details.)

     Both of these individuals (Gears and Van Duyne) have poked each other in the eye so often recently that they each require a  service seeing eye dog to get them around town.  And frankly, the dogs seem to be better trained and better behaved than these two politicos...if you don’t mind an occasional carpet stain!

     Most Irving residents had hoped that this ego-political-feuding would have quelled after the mayoral election.  It just didn't happen.  If nothing else, the jockeying for political recognition and superiority only intensified.  Through various sources (media, leaks and social blogs), pot shots were taken and body slams were delivered.  While each seemed to claim the high ground, a new low in the Irving political dialogue plagued the citizenry.  

     To see if a truce could be bartered between BVD & HG, staff of the CCR had Dylan, Executive Editor and Part-time Wordsmith for the CCR, sponsor a sit down, face-to-face meeting.  The meeting would determine if there was any common ground that might cease all this political pandering.  Also, it was hoped that the meeting would free the seeing eye dogs and allow them to return to more important assignments. 

     City manager Tommy Gonzalez, who is familiar with Lubbock Mafia sit downs and 'dear friends’ with both HG and BVD, was approached to moderate the discussion, but another scheduled book signing for his NY Times #1 best selling cook book -- "10 Secrets For Cooking A Young'un" --  caused him not to be available .

     Following is the transcript of Dylan's session with BVD and HG as they sat across from each other to discuss Irving’s future:

HG:   She thinks that it’s considered leadership when no one is following her.

BVD:  Your leadership was severely tainted when you spent over $1 million in an attempt to dupe voters.

HG:   Oh yeah?  

BVD:  Yeah!  While you were two-stepping with Billy Bob, citizens were line dancing to remove you from office.

HG:   Well, as you were flipping your mane, Byron rolled over in his grave and gave notice of teeing off in Dallas.

BVD:   Not my fault.  Dallas is always jealous of anything good in Irving...alive or dead.

HG:    And that’s probably how Jerry felt when he decided to ship all his jock straps to Frisco after meeting with you.  With you, Irving is on life support.

BVD:   You just need to look at all the good stuff happening in Irving that I will take credit for.

HG:   Anyone can read a chamber of commerce script.  Try initiating something where you can muster five votes for approval that constitutes real change.

BVD:   As usual, you cannot defend what your Entertainment Center stooges contributed to your campaign and the other council clones as progress.  Being in the back pocket of special interest concerns is not leadership.

HG:   Take that back or I’ll cut your mane.

BVD:  Touch my hair and I’ll smash your bling. 

     At this point, Dylan had had enough and leaped to the middle of the conference table to avoid a hair pulling, eye poking, nail scratching brawl.  He remanded both individuals to opposite corners where he duct taped them to chairs with their mouths sealed to prevent any additional zingers.  He also confiscated their iPhones, iPads and any other communication devices to keep them from contacting the media or blogs and boring the Irving citizenry with their trite, finger-pointing and mostly non-factual blathering and fabricated achievements.  

     Unless an Amber Alert is posted, Dylan has no intention of releasing them to the general public any time soon.  He believes that Irving has heard enough of their carping!

     Also, Dylan cannot be charged with kidnapping these two political misanthropes as it was justified as improving the ‘quality of life’ and for the common good of the city.  And it will be good for the city when these two have nothing more to do with Irving politics.  

     This in itself would brighten Irving’s outlook for progress.

………………..Mark Holbrook

Dueling Opinions: DMN, OP/ED pages, 08-23-13