Saturday, February 22, 2014

CCR 02-22-14: Dog Days of May

the   Controversial  Committee   Report
“We don’t raise sacred cows...we just butcher them.”

     Staff of the CCR has two important announcements to make: 1) As of Friday, no candidate, other than Dylan Westie, had filed for mayor of Irving; 2) As of Saturday, Dylan has been notified by Irving’s City Secretary that he will not be eligible to be on the ballot for mayor.  (Could he win by default if no one else files?)

     If you think you are depressed over this ruling, consider how Dylan must feel.  He hasn’t eaten one doggie snack since receiving the news.

     After about five minutes in this depressive state, Dylan leaped off the couch to munch a treat, tweeted to his many new followers and requested staff of the CCR to prepare a formal, positive PR (in our hour of need) response for this ruling on his mayoral petition.  What follows is Dylan’s honest reaction and sentiments:

     “I want to thank all of the supporters who sent e-mails, followed me on Twitter, offered to donate to the campaign, wanted yard signs, and believed that at this point in time a dog could provide better leadership on the council than what is currently being witnessed at city hall.  And I have to say, they were right about that.

     I certainly want to extend a hearty thanks to all the media folks who took the time and effort to inform the public of my desires to serve the citizens of Irving.  (And also, two good friends who would not rather have their names printed in a CCR report.)  I do have reservations regarding one article that appeared in a Viet Nam publication.  I only hope this was an endorsement and not a recipe, since I don’t understand their language.

     While I fully respect the decision of the City Secretary, who ruled in a totally professional manner, I regret that I cannot fulfill all the pledges made to the citizens when I filed for the office of mayor.  (Note to self: Quit using that “I” noun word.  It sounds like an incumbent mayor.)  Since it now appears there is little hope or improvement on the immediate political horizon, citizens can only help share with me the concerns for Irving’s future.

     Even though my mayoral campaign is officially over, my supporters should realize that this sleeping dog is now awake.  The CCR will continue to carry the Dylan-message to voters during and after the upcoming election.  The CCR will still ‘kick all cats’ that deserve to be kicked. And without reservations, the CCR will do all in its power to assist me in discovering a cure for PADD (Political Attention Deficit Disorder).  A foundation will be established in my name to collect contributions to assist in this effort. (snicker)

     Few individuals realize that curing PADD has many local side benefits.  A cure will help sever the ‘voting strings’ attached to a council member’s arm by special interest groups.  Curing PADD could cause a campaign Sugar Daddy to close their bank account and join a Trappist order.  It has already been proven that a cure would cause a 75-psi. deflation in a council member’s ego.  Could we all work together to find a cure for PADD?  This might be what Irving has needed for the past several years.

     Finally, while I am a registered son of a bitch (AKC #RN04869502), I will embark on a crusade to hike a leg on any elected, Irving official who blabbers, speaks in condescending terms, supports special interest groups over citizen needs or desires, or performs their duties with a SOB-attitude.  In the immortal words of Lloyd Bentsen, former United States Senator from Texas and Vice Presidential running mate: “I know some Irving council members; some Irving council members are my friends; and you council member (fill in name) are a plain and not registered Irving SOB.

     Westies rule!
Dylan Westie
Almost Mayor of Irving

     Give staff of the CCR a couple moments to recover.  We are sure that these words will go down in history much the same as “if you like your veterinarian, you can keep your veterinarian.”  Bet the kennel on this.

     While we regret Dylan will not be able to fulfill his pledges to Irving voters, we will seek one additional remedy.  And if this works, he could formally present his ideas for a better Irving to an attentive audience.  Yes, we are going to petition, with all legal authority available, the League of Women Human Voters to allow Dylan to participate in the Irving mayoral candidate debate.  Seems only fair to us.

     Voters will then have the opportunity to fairly and finally decide what would be best for Irving’s future: Tail Wagging or Mane Flipping.

…………………………..Mark Holbrook

Continue to follow Dylan’s antics at:
Tweet:  Dylan Westie   @dylanwestie1
FaceBook:  Dylan Westie
Video (coming soon): YouTube, Dylan Westie, The OFFICIAL Dylan Westie for Irving Mayor Channel
Fun Exercise:  Google - Dylan Westie (Yes, we were surprised too.)