Sunday, March 2, 2014

CCR 03-02-14: Cotton Candy and peaNUTS Galore

the   Controversial  Committee   Report
“We don’t raise sacred cows...we just butcher them.”

     Great news dear readers!  Staff of the CCR has signed the contract and agreed to purchase the Circular Bros./Harm-em and Hayley Circus.  The only stipulation in our agreement is we could only use one ring for all performances...not three.  Regardless, this entertainment venue will be perfect for our May 10, 2014 grand opening in beautiful downtown Irving.  (Think of this new city addition tent as the Heritage Entertainment Center.)

     A one ring circus will not present a problem with drawing large crowds to beautiful downtown Irving.  Attendees will be able to witness all the acts at the same time.  And we have already booked three opening acts, of local and renowned clowns, for this inaugural event.

     Yes, in the center ring vying for your attention and vote as Best Irving Clown Act for 2014 will be: “Dough Boy” Gears, “Glamor Gal” VD, and “FlimMan“ Waldrum.  If these three don’t provider the most entertainment Irving has witnessed in the last decade, then you must be living in Waxahachie.

     For those not familiar with these acclaimed clown acts, allow staff of the CCR to provide their political-curriculum vitae for your edification: 

“Dough Boy” Gears was not named after a Pillsbury product or weight loss program, but rather for his ability to stuff large (and we mean really huge) quantities of political campaign bucks (not Bitcoins, but Billy Bob Bucks) in his many fleshy folds.  These humongous amounts of bucks dough, from special interest donors, could disappear quicker than a Sunday fried chicken dinner.  While his nose is brightly blinking red and the dough is disappearing before your very eyes -- never to be seen again -- you’ll observe him purposefully trip on his way to the center of the ring in a green cloud of hubris.  Audiences will be spellbound when, seconds later, the cloud suddenly vaporizes and he has been transformed into a Geezer...pandering to an older segment of the audience.  Are you laughing now as you cash your social security check to buy another ticket to watch this act of self-promotion?

“Glamor Gal” VD has been appearing locally for the past couple years and many have seen her one and only claim to fame trick -- jumping out of an airplane while flipping her mane and shooting basketball baskets from 1,500 feet in the air.  If this doesn’t score audience appreciation points, then you must utilize your vacation home in Bach Springs for entertainment purposes.  For the Irving circus, you’ll be able to see her new high-wire balancing act as she flips her mane at the same time as 600 press officials flash their cameras and roll their tape for live TV transmissions.  Be sure not to get between her and the cameras during the performance or risk serious injury.  All of her ‘trip the lights fantastic’ choreography, wardrobe and gyrating antics were planned and manipulated by that political-producing genius, J-alf Mellis, who will be passing out her new head shot photos to the first 100 advance ticket buyers. 

Finally, “FlimMan” Waldrum, the magical clown, has been on the ‘undisclosed’ clown circuit for an extended period, but many remember he will be making his second appearance in the Irving circus ring.  He will certainly be a crowd pleaser this time owing to his sleight of hand talents.  His new and revised ‘debt of gratitude’ performance will have box office tills swelling as he enters the ring...followed by the audience gasping at what they thought they received, for their money, after his magical handkerchief was swept over the till.  Some are still wondering if he was responsible for the Greek currency debacle and bankruptcy scare when his act was touring Europe.  Could his magical handkerchief impose anything similar with Irving’s finances?  Hold on to more than your breath during his act.

     Many of you are probably asking: How does Irving really deserve and warrant such a troupe of troopers descending on our fair city for the competition of Best Irving Clown Act for 2014?  Staff of the CCR wondered the same thing, so we conducted some Internet research.  And we all know that anything on the Internet can be believed as unadulterated fact...much like pronouncements from Flying Harpies on local blogs.  (If they say have to believe it, because there is not a key large enough to open a closed mind to consider factual information.)

     What was discovered with three minutes of research was that Irving leads the nation in the number of reportable cases of PADD (Political Attention Deficit Disorder).  This high national ranking translates to a citizenry that is far more interested in country club green fees, quilting, and canning home grown vegetables than they are about the political process of electing city leaders.   

     Gad, is it that difficult or time consuming to know, follow, or keep tabs on local elected folks (nine to be exact) who drain your wallet for the city’s tax coffers?  Would participation and attention to all the political chicanery and skullduggery really cut into tee times that much?  Instead, it seems easier for PADD sufferers to leave the political processes to those with special interests and large bank accounts to handle.  

     And this is how a clown circus was spawned for Irving’s benefit.

    There will be more information in later CCR reports regarding Irving’s upcoming clown act competition.  Also, there are two additional sideshow events (Place 3 and 5 council positions) warranting attention and consideration this season.  These will be highlighted later as public attention is now primarily attuned to the center ring for the clown performers.  (Note: The amazing ‘mayoral dog’ act had to be scratched due to ‘technical’ difficulties.  Now, who’s sorry?)

     Staff of the CCR is also assured that each of the three clown performers will be distributing their slick, expensive programs detailing why they should be considered and named Best Irving Clown Act for 2014.  Word of caution.  Don’t believe what you read in these pamphlets...they are written by professional clown-scribes who are skilled at dissolving brain synapses of potential audience members with words that read like the truth.  

     If you require the facts before voting for your favorite clown act on May 10th...continue to read the CCR.  Has the CCR ever lied to you...purposefully?

………………………..Mark Holbrook