the Controversial Committee Report
“We don’t raise sacred cows...we just butcher them.”
As recently announced on Dylan Westie’s Twitter account (@dylanwestie1), staff of the CCR will be publishing the Irving mayoral cookbook trilogy. While a tremendous and tantalizing project, the recipes contained in each volume will go a long way to feed the multitude of Irving citizens suffering from PADD (Political Attention Deficit Disorder).
In fact, if the book sales are as good as early projections indicate (projections provided by Billy Bob’s bean counters), staff of the CCR plans to use all proceeds from sales to buy a chunk of city-owned property (formerly owned by the Lubbock Mafia consortium) and construct the Irving Citizens Culinary Institute in beautiful downtown Irving. Plans call for the new facility to be located adjacent to the Heritage Entertainment Center tent...currently showcasing local political clown performances.
The Institute will be open seven days a week to offer free food and counseling for those attempting to kick the political Kool-Aid habit which has caused PADD symptoms to escalate and ruin so many Irving lives. Nourishment, political direction and sessions on how to tell when a politico is fabricating fiction from fact will be served with each meal. And all of the meals served at the Institute will be from recipes found in the Irving Mayoral Candidates Cookbook Trilogy.
Enough about the CCRs grand vision for beautiful downtown Irving. Let’s plug the first volume in the cookbook trilogy: “mayor BVDs Self-serving Stews.”
While readers will want to prepare each recipe mayor BVD has painstakingly included in her tome, staff of the CCR would be remiss if we didn’t provide you with our favorite. On these 16° global warming days, what is better than a steaming bowl of mayor BVDs infamous Harpy Hash? This recipe has won numerous awards for mayor BVD simply due to the fact it doesn’t look like she is cooking or has had her hands in stirring the pot...much less serving the dish. (Note: For some of the more exotic seasonings and ingredients, check with your local Market Street for availability.)
Harpy Hash
(serves hundreds)
10 Finely diced harpy wings
6 gal. of political misinformation
2 cups of acerbic comments
25 hairs from a recent cat fight
1 tbs. of vengeful attitude (very potent, be sure to measure carefully)
5 lbs. of sleazy documentation
1 pitcher of red Kool-Aid for flavor and coloring
Salt and pepper to taste
Directions: Mix all ingredients together in a large cauldron; stir continuously to avoid actual misinformation from settling on the pot’s bottom; bring to a boil and serve over a bed of shredded truth. Your FaceBook fans will not only “like” you for including them in this literary noshing, but marvel at your culinary skills when serving such a time tested recipe. You’ll even want to leap out of an airplane after dining on this dish. BAM!
Bet you can hardly wait to buy your copy of the book now. Send $19.95 to Chef Dylan Westie, ℅ the CCR, and receive an official autographed copy by mayor BVD and Chef Dylan. Rush your order as May 10th is the deadline to be included for ordering any of the Irving Mayoral Candidates Cookbook Trilogy.
The second volume of the trilogy will feature the classic soul food recipes of ex-mayor Herbie. You’ll want to cancel your Weight Watchers membership after reading and cooking dishes from this volume. Be prepared for taste bud euphoria!
……………………...Mark Holbrook
