Saturday, June 21, 2014

CCR 06-21-14: Queenly Quirks

the   Controversial  Committee   Report
“We don’t raise sacred cows...we just butcher them.”

(In the peaceful kingdom of Irving, all is not well.)

     Town Crier:  Oyez, Oyez, Oyez!  By royal edict, QueenB VD demands the presence of her Pet Rock collection in her chambers immediately.  There is pressing business of the realm as the queen needs to inform the Pet Rocks how to vote at the June 26, 2014, meeting of her Square Table gathering.  Queen saves god!* 

(Queen strolls into the Great Hall meeting room thirty minutes late due to a scheduled photo op.)

QueenB VD:  Stop the bowing and take your seats.  Three items on my upcoming agenda require your full attention, cooperation and vote.  Knowing the penalty if you do not follow my edicts, I do not anticipate any problems or whining from you. 

     First, I want you to approve the amendment (Item #24) for the MOU to OliverMcMillan for the Texas Stadium site development.  You realize this is my single source developer I have personally chosen for this project.  This alone should cause you to approve the item.

     As previously related in chambers, the Las Vegas meeting with them, where we hatched out these plans, was a time of great understanding.  And to show their fealty to me, they will ensure that a Tennis Center is conveniently included in the plans as an “optional consideration” -- knowing it needs to be a reality to suit my royal needs.  I’ll deal with the inclusion of the Tennis Center at a later date when no one is looking!

Pet Rock #2:  QueenB VD, how do we rebut the fact there were no competitive proposals for this issue and this amendment is asking for a contract extension to allow these folks to progress forward into a development stage...with no funding in sight to even consider accomplishing the project at this time?  Our HOT funds have cooled down with the Entertainment Center and convention center hotel about to be added to the realm.  Aren’t we just spinning our cart wheels?

QueenB VD:  Did you hear what I said about whining?  Just approve the measure and I’ll see that the royal treasury stashes some bucks, to pay my chosen developer, down the road when no one is looking and my new city manger has been fully indoctrinated on the whims of my royal decrees.  And wipe that pesky drool off your chin.  You are a queen’s Pet Rock for god’s sake.

     Next, the agenda has two items (#37 & #38) which will require a bit of regal finesse.  And since my Pet Rock #4 is a party to these items, he will have to leave the chambers now.

(Pet Rock #4 leaves the room smiling.)

QueenB VD:  Okay, here is what we need to do to ensure tax paying peons do not perceive what is about to happen to them.  Item #37 is a settlement agreement with the three parties wanting to develop a farmers market -- with beer, broads and bands -- called Whistle Stop...a name I think sucks royally.  Once this item is….
(Interruption by a Pet Rock)

Pet Rock (consigliere):  QueenB VD, pardon me for interrupting, but how can we approve a settlement agreement if a law suit was never filed?  What are we settling?  How do we explain this to the public?  Are we settling a royal screw up by staff, or just favoring political supporters in a backhanded fashion?

QueenB VD:  Did I ask for a legal interpretation or opinion from you?  No, I did not.  Next time, speak when I command you to do so.  And as far as the public is concerned, I’m having the royal bakery prepare for a Feast of Cakes celebration on the day of my meeting.  Letting them eat cake works every time when devious measures of the realm are afoot.  Who can understand what the protesters are saying when their mouths are stuffed with cake?

     As I was saying, we’ll approve the settlement and then immediately, on the next agenda item, grant the three partners (Randle, Mapes, Ward) full rights to proceed with their plan.  All the necessary funding for this project will be provided by the city for construction and whatever else is needed…to spare the partners any capital outlays and demonstrate how gracious I can be. 

     After all, they so generously gave of their time and money for my coronation.  This is the only fair thing to do.  And ‘what difference does it make’ if the city receives only a scarce/meager return on their outlay of funds should this venture actually succeed.

Pet Rock #3:  QueenB VD, may I be excused for a moment?  The anxiety of pulling the wool over the tax paying peons eyes for these agenda items, without massive protest involving pitchforks and torches, has spiked my kidney condition.

QueenB VD:  You will remain in your seat until this meeting is over and I formally dismiss you.  Finally, I want each of you to go into the kingdom to continue to spread the word of what a great queen I am.  And be sure not to mention that the laws of transparency, competitive alternatives and ethics have been suspended for the duration of my reign.  Not that anyone is paying attention anyway. 

     Now, you may all go...but back out of the hall quietly.  The U.S. Conference of Mayors is meeting in Dallas this week and I have seven photo ops and three TV interviews to conduct this afternoon...on topics so fluffy in nature that will never come to pass.  Being queen is such a tiring job, even with an apparent NPD condition!

(And sleepy tax paying peons munch on cake while the queen and her Pet Rocks pillage the kingdom.)

……………………..Mark Holbrook

*  Note:  The Town Crier is not dyslexic.