the Controversial Committee Report
“We don’t raise sacred cows...we just butcher them.”
Let’s be clear. Staff of the CCR didn’t request this. We are merely pawns in the hands of folks who happen to read the wordsmithing reports we produce. And this is what happens when a few readers -- suffering from myopic vision, grandiose self-importance and acute cases of CRS -- gather as a panel to decide the CCR should present awards for various categories...much like the Oscars, Tonys or Emmys. And the CCR should do this without benefit of a ‘red carpet’ event or lavish after-award noshing soiree catered by Wolfgang Puck.
And so it goes, the CCR succumbs to the first annual Torofeca* Patty Awards for deserving citizens, events or ideas that enhance the quality of life in the city, or creates terminal heartburn for prudish readers of the reports.
While in the spirit of this event, staff of the CCR even cut a deal and parted with a little loose change -- paid to a local rancher -- to provide the raw, organic materials for the accumulation and production of the awards. Yes, each Torofeca Patty Award has been preserved in ½-acrylic (very similar to amber, but not as expensive) making it suitable for placement on the home mantle.
Your friends will stare with envy while viewing your award knowing the sacrifice and achievement it took to be honored with this CCR memento.
So, let’s get this awards event over so everyone can tune in and watch the season premier of “Duck Dynasty.” The CCR is proud to present awards for the following categories:
Best One Line Wordsmithing in a CCR Report: Presented to former Irving city manager Tommy Gonzalez as noted in the 6-1-14 CCR report chronicling his past $500,000+ employment contract with Irving: “The Gonzalez contract milked the city’s financial cows so dry they all went on strike claiming teat harassment and lack of funding for essential city personnel.”
Best Fake e-Mail Address in a CCR Report: Presented to Charles Anderson, Irving city attorney, for the 6-1-14 CCR report noting how QueenB VD demanded contract stipulations for the new city manager (Chris Hillman). The fake address was reflected as: <cityshyster@cityhall.HRH>. (Bet you didn’t know the queen had her own domain name...HRH.)
Best Use of Dylan Westie’s Tweet Account: Presented to QueenB VD for identifying yet another potential photo op to follow her PR/photo op/parachute jump in last year’s Red Bull Flugtag in Lake Carolyn. The queenly tweet was: “Photo op QueenB VD @RedBull Hell's Gate Cove Possum Kingdom lake 90' 'full-gainer-swan/turkey' dive off cliff w/o parachute 6-7-14? Y/not?
PETA Lifetime Achievement Award: As fairly balanced and documented by the DMN/NeighborsGo local Irving reporter, Avi Selk, this award is presented to Rats and Beavers. The pesky rats (mice) released for the almost-senior prank at MacArthur HS and the city’s beavers for their chomping escapades in Northwest park. These reports temporarily averted citizen minds off the aloof, haughty and dismissive issues created by QueenB VD and her Pet Rock collection as chronicled in CCR reports. (Thanks for the snickers and chuckles DMN!)
Best Utterance by a QueenB VD Pet Rock: Without a doubt, the award goes to QueenB VDs new legal consigliere, John Danish, who stated “We arrived at a consensus of one [person] we’d like to pursue.” (See 01-21-14 CCR) This was his fancy, spinning lawyer talk to get around the media reporting another legal source stating the queen and Pet Rocks had violated the Open Meetings Act when identifying Steven Sarkozy as the queen’s “pick” in a “Special Meeting or Executive Session” gathering of the council. And this may have been another reason Sarkozy removed his name from consideration while dissing harsh remarks about the city and its leadership as he walked out of the hiring process.
Best Adherence to a QueenB VD Dictate: The panel had a difficult time determining which of the queen’s Pet Rocks should receive this award. While two are very worthy subjects and rabidly eager to adhere to all dictates, the decision to present the award to Brad LaMorgese over Gerald Farris boiled down to location. LaMorgese lives closer to the queen in far north Irving and could be at her doorstep quicker when needed to carry her water, or cake to the unwashed masses.
Harry Potter Cloak of Invisibility: It stands to reason, QueenB VD should receive this award for all her efforts, while decrying a need for transparency, to pass an enforceable ethics policy. However, she still leaves folks wondering about her meetings, text messages, phone calls, or out-of-town sessions with developers, Sugar Daddy contributors, or others with special interest needs...such as those developing housing under a D/FW airport runway, or a desired “optional” tennis center as part of the old Texas Stadium site.
Best Whistle Blower in City Hall: While it remains to be seen, Oscar Ward may be the initial recipient of this award should the queen and her Pet Rocks crack under fracking pressure and move forward with an exclusive city deal for a potential Whistle Stop/Farmers Market/Food Truck venue with his two partners. (It is easy to abstain from voting in an open meeting, but constituents are hardly cognizant, aware, or know what might transpire outside city council chambers by members to avoid the appearance of any conflict of interest.)
Hand-In-Cookie Jar w/Excellence Award: With an unanimous vote, almost-former state representative Linda Harper-Brown’s $5,000 fine -- imposed due to her shoddy and sneaky ability when reporting campaign finances (with review by her CPA hubby) -- clearly demonstrated her tenure in Austin was all about her, Sugar Daddy contributors (some of the same are currently attached to QueenB VD), and all the Special Interest Groups who pulled her strings. The Texas Ethics Commission report and fine was long overdue and not a significant enough penalty for an elected official of this calibre...especially when locals had questioned these campaign finance activities in years past.
Staff of the CCR genuinely hopes the recipients of the first annual Torofeca Patty Awards will display these tokens with the same pride it took for them to earn such high distinction while conducting the noted events. Special care should be considered to not drop the award and crack its outer acrylic shell open.
Otherwise, the aroma of the broken award might permeate the area with the same stench which enveloped the city as a result of the actions of the above recipients.
…………………….Mark Holbrook
* Note: A complete definition of the term torofeca can be found in the 01-25-14 CCR report located on the blog site. Sorry, we get tired of typing or cutting/pasting this info for those still suffering from PADD (Political Attention Deficit Disorder).
