Sunday, June 1, 2014

CCR 06-01-14: Stipulate This

the   Controversial  Committee   Report
“We don’t raise sacred cows...we just butcher them.”

     The great thing about all the gizmos available today for instantaneous communication, reaching out, or just being nosy is when a simple mistake can sometimes shed light on matters that actually prefer darkness.

     Case in point.  A contract is being prepared for the hiring of Irving’s new city manager.  If all the “i’s” are dotted and the “t’s” crossed properly and with both parties in agreement, then signatures will launch the era of Chris Hillman, formerly ‘surprised’ city manager of Surprise, AZ, as the new city manager of ‘beautiful downtown Irving.’  

     With this in mind, the city council and city attorney are acutely aware the citizenry will grab their pitchforks and torches to storm city hall if the proposed new city manager agreement bares any resemblance to the contract former city manager Tommy Gonzalez pocketed.  The Gonzalez contract milked the city’s financial cows so dry they all went on strike claiming teat harassment and lack of funding for essential city personnel.

     While the posting of the council agenda for the June 5, 2014 meeting does not provide any details as to the proposed amounts of compensation, terms of agreement, conditions, or perk package for Hillman’s contract, many citizens are leery of what could occur.  Given how QueenB VDs Pet Rocks will succumb to any nebulous or vain-glorious quirk floating through her mane, she is apt to part with a few royal jewels just to have her way with regal-contract stipulations.  And many of the citizenry know just how ‘stipulated’ the queen can become...Aloof, Haughty and Dismissive at the drop of her royal tiara. 

     Modern technology mishaps: Just when you thought today’s technology was a time consuming ogre, a quirk can occur that indirectly and accidentally solves a significant problem or answers a pesky question.  By an oddity of fate due to her lightening fast fingers, used to text Sugar Daddy contributors, QueenB VD sent an e-mail to the city attorney to ensure a list of stipulations was included as part of the new city manager’s contract.  (Actually, ensure is too kind a word...she ‘demanded’ would be a more appropriate choice.)  

     Well, a random photo op flash must have distracted the queen when she was entering the folks, who should receive this e-mail, in the bcc: box.  Instead of just listing a group of her loyal followers, Pet Rocks, Sugar Daddy contributors and Mother Superior of Flying Harpies, she mistakenly included a source close to the staff of the CCR.  How fortuitous for us! 

     For reader’s of the CCR, we are proud to share this inerrant e-mail reflecting the detailed items QueenB VD had insisted on being a part of the new city manager’s contract.

TO: Charles Anderson <cityshyster@cityhall.HRH>   June 1, 2014  9:31 AM
FR:  Your Royal Highness, QueenB VD
Subj: Royal Edict

Dear Peon Anderson:
You will ensure the following are included as stipulations or an addendum to the new city manager’s contract...stat.  You will not worry about the items being approved by the council, as I will inform the Pet Rocks as to the action they must take.
  • City manager must address me as: Her Royal Highness, QueenB VD.
  • City manager must speak to me only when I tell him to do so.
  • City manager will act on all my directives without question or comment.
  • City manager will always ensure my Pet Rock collection is properly watered to prevent drying and cracking.
  • City manager will ensure the stable housing my flying harpies is mucked daily.
  • City manager will always welcome my Sugar Daddy contributors to city hall as if they were members of my royal court.
  • City manager will never utter a statement that is contrary to my desires or wishes.
  • City manager will convert the office next to my 4th floor throne room into a grooming parlor for photo op preparation.
  • City manager will be my official food and drink taster for all social events to prevent me from ending up like King Joffrey in “Game of Thrones.”
  • City manager will monitor all social media blogs and provide my Mother Superior of Flying Harpies a daily list of all individuals who have questioned my authority or stated any negative comments about my actions. (And don’t believe the Mother Superior if she states she knows something about everything and is never wrong.  She knows and believes what I tell her.)
  • City manager will always walk ten paces behind me in public.
  • City manager will arrive at city hall two hours before my appearance and not leave until one hour after I have performed all my queenly duties.
  • City manager’s iPhone will only be used to receive calls or text messages from me, or one of my Sugar Daddy contributors.
  • City manager will attend only the community gatherings I approve to ensure he is not present at one where I will be regaling the attendees with my greatness.
  • Failure of the city manager to carry out any of my edicts will result in his permanent banishment to El Paso, Texas where he will serve out his professional career under the tutelage of their city manager.
     If all of this doesn’t inspire confidence in the realm of QueenB VD, then the citizenry should anticipate more rocky royal carriage flashes through ‘beautiful downtown Irving’ while en route to the north Irving hinterlands during the next three years.

     Who knows, QueenB VD might even consider trading in her horse drawn royal carriage for a new super royal hog from ‘Irving Strokers’ to make her trips even speedier.

…………………………..Mark Holbrook