“We don’t raise sacred cows...we just butcher them.”
WARNING: The following CCR report has nothing to do with CBS television, David Letterman, "Later Show with David Letterman," or Al Gore. This report is the CCRs feeble attempt to lift/borrow/utilize a proven technique to clearly demonstrate just how great things have been in ‘beautiful downtown Irving’ during the reign of QueenB VD.
After all, the queen has been incessantly zipping around north Irving — only pausing briefly in south Irving for a July 4th parade — conducting photo op after photo op during the past three years. Certainly, during all this time she has managed to do something remarkable or noteworthy for the city. Wouldn’t you think? And with three more years remaining in her reign, greater accomplishments of grandeur are possible…right?
Looking back over the past three years, the CCR proudly presents the:
Top 10 QueenB VD "almost-Accomplishments"
10) While in Las Vegas sealing the deal with a single source consultant, OliverMcMillan, to design a Tennis Center on the old Texas Stadium site, she didn’t have a ‘farm to bet’ so she wagered and lost revamping ‘beautiful downtown Irving’ in a game of Texas Hold’em.
9) Embedded loyal harpies on the chamber of commerce presidential search committee to prepare for laying siege to this organization which she would include in her egotistical-realm.
8) Has assumed the tutelage of her new Pet Rock by instructing him in the fine art of "whistling while not voting" for an upcoming city funded project involving a primary supporter of hers and the Pet Rock’s two partners in the Whistle Stop farmers market/food truck/beer garden venture.
7) With a campaign war chest overflowing with special interest bucks and no ‘after election campaign report’ filed at this date, the queen feigned wanting her "ethics policy" brought to a vote by the council by not actually placing the item on an agenda for voting.
6) Al Gore’s global warming hysteria managed to creep into a council meeting when a couple Pet Rocks thawed, thereby causing her to not have the votes necessary to throw a monkey wrench in ARK’s plan to construct an office tower on the Entertainment Center site.
5) Went on a rampage due to citizens photographing her royal horses’ appearance, in the July 4th parade, which captured the steed’s posterior pointing north while the queen was also looking north. (This image caused major confusion, disorientation and stress among all the young kids along the parade route as they couldn’t fathom which ass was actually leading the parade!)(1)
4) Sponsored the "Best QueenB VD Photo Op Contest" to raise funds and awareness for NPD, AHD and SEM(2) conditions which are so near and dear to her heart and soul for all the obvious reasons.
3) Realizing the possible upcoming ‘retirement’ (say amen) of a couple Pet Rocks in her collection, she designated the Mother Superior of Flying Harpies to chat up potential Pebbles to serve as Pet Rocks in her royal court when the time nears.
2) With a new city manager preparing to report for duty, directed that the Tower of Obedience be re-stocked for use in case he fails to follow her every edict.
And the Number 1 QueenB VD "almost-Accomplishment" during her first three years on the throne was:
1) Like the previous city manager handling the razing of swimming pools, she would bulldoze the Twin Wells golf course to build her royal Tennis Center on those hallowed grounds in that distant portion of her realm…far, far, far southeast Irving.
The above potential action for the Twin Wells golf course would allow the queen to have a world-class "branding" for the city’s new International Putt-Putt Golf Course and Photo Op Museum constructed on the old Texas Stadium site. (Take that Jerry Jones and Salesmanship Club of Dallas, saith the queen!)
With all the above achievements, Irving residents can only gasp at what might be in store for the next three years. Knowing her "invisibility cloak" is still functioning, the CCR sometimes works at a disadvantage ferreting out the queen’s real motives for all the inane actions she takes…not including the photo ops, of course, which are self-explanatory.
However, with astute readers of the report, moles burrowing deep under city hall and observing Flying Harpy formations, staff of the CCR will continue their attempts at keeping readers current on what is actually happening in ‘beautiful downtown Irving.’ And you will be the first to know when the queen plans to raze the entire Heritage District to construct a secondary royal Tennis Center.
Irving…where par for the course is having 3.1 Tennis Centers per capita under QueenB VD.
(1) See the July 5th Tweet @dylanwestie1 or click on this link for the photo: pic.twitter.com/reewScPy6U
(2) NPD = Narcissistic Personality Disorder; AHD = Aloof Haughty Dismissive (as per the DMN editorial); SEM = Selective Elected Memory (as per an astute CCR reader)