Friday, January 9, 2015

CCR 01-09-15: Good Vibrations

the   Controversial  Committee   Report
“We don’t raise sacred cows...we just butcher them.”

   Always wanting to be in front of the problem camera, QueenB VD is soliciting the mayor of Dallas to join her in a series of meetings photo ops to jawbone about what is causing the tremors in Irving.  With a brain trust of this magnitude, one can only wonder what they could contribute to the discussion while certified seismologists have yet to discern fact from fiction. 

   Regardless, this ad hoc task force of mayors will probably be as effective as the queen’s ad hoc committee attempting to ban all smoking in the city.  (Want to really see the Irving citizenry shake?  Then, implement QueenB VDs total smoking ban throughout the city for starters.)

   Thinking, perhaps, a kernel of wisdom just might accidentally pop when these two towers of perceived power and political verbosity meet, the CCR dispatched Dylan Westie, Executive Editor and Part-time Wordsmith, to record this initial press conference photo shoot.  Here’s his report, but it is fair to state he left early as the meeting lasted only ten minutes.  

   (However, twenty new photos of QueenB VD managed to be taken along with ample Channel 5 TV coverage.)

Press Conference Photo Shoot Session
Mayor Rawlings:  Thank all of you for coming today.  Hopefully, we can reach a consensus as to what is causing these seismic activities on our joint border.  And should Irving accidentally slide into Lake Carolyn, then Dallas plans to annex this new waterfront property and develop a cat fish farm.

QueenB VD:  Thanks, mayor Rawlings.  Would you mind moving over a tad so I’m sitting in the center of the conference table?  All of the cameras are aimed at that spot.  Thanks.

Mayor Rawlings:  The queen mayor has asked retired weatherman and ace meteorologist, Troy Dungan, to give us an update on his initial findings…as to the cause of all the earthquakes in Irving.  If Troy cannot figure all this out, then the problem surely lacks resolution.

QueenB VD:  Go, Troy.  Hey, would you mind not standing in front of the cameras?  I need a full frontal pic so the mane flipping is available for the Channel 5 evening news.

Troy Duncan:  Well mayors, my initial conclusion is global warming is caused by drinking beer and eating sausages…uh.  Sorry, wrong civic club luncheon notes.  
   I have ruled out many possible factors, but have yet to identify a singular cause.  What many may have dismissed early on just might be the contributing factor to Irving’s shaking…New Jersey governor, Chris Christi, bouncing up and down giving man-hugs to everyone in Jerry Jones’ sky box at AT&T stadium after the Cowboys win over Detroit.  
   While Arlington should receive the brunt of these vibrating forces, aftershocks could reach Irving with a 3.1 magnitude.  We’ll wait and see if there are any earthquakes reported from Green Bay this weekend before ruling this consideration out.  I’ll keep you posted.  My reports are as accurate as all my previous weather predictions.

Mayor Rawlings:  Thank you, Troy.  Keep up the good work and investigation.  Your consultant’s check will be paid by the city of Irving.

QueenB VD:  Hey, Rawlings, who put you in charge?  Do you know who I am?  Before we adjourn the meeting, I would like to let every Irving citizen know I am doing everything queenly possible to resolve the issue and stop all this shaking.  The tremors are even causing my Pet Rocks to chip as they bounce against each other.   
   To fully address the issue, I have a chamber of commerce ‘breakfast with the mayor’ scheduled, a council meeting and a town hall gathering where I’ll answer questions after all the photos are taken with the attendees.  Autographed copies will be available for $19.95 each.  All proceeds from the sale of my glamor shots will go to: Save Irving’s Quake Children…who just happen to live in Hackberry Creek behind the guarded gates.  I will also have the city manager sponsor a benefit on the Texas Musicians Museum site for this worthy cause.  It will be a terrific concert featuring Carly Simon, Jerry Lee Lewis and the Beach Boys singing their tribute songs to Irving’s quake and shake problems.
   Additionally, I’ll be meeting with: Rotary Club members, animal shelter personnel, Saudi Prince Mega-bucks, girl basketball teams, Tea Party representative Rodney "Bogus-gate Complaint" Anderson, the regional Time-Warner cable official, tennis center developers, airport runway home builders, single source developers, ICTN, and the US Conference of Mayors.  With each photo flash, in all these meetings, they will realizing I am dead serious about the "earth moving under my feet."
   Believe me, all this shaking is messing with my mane flipping.  And I will not rest until the last photo flash ends this natural occurrence in my city realm.  
   While I may be a bit late to address this vibrating issue, rest assured I will always be early for a photo shoot and publicity.

………………..Mark Holbrook