Saturday, March 28, 2015

CCR 03-28-15 Funding the War

the   Controversial  Committee   Report
“We don’t raise sacred cows...we just butcher them.”

   News Flash:  While the silent majority was asleep at the wheel, the City of Irving became mayoral-less.  What, you say?

   Staff of the CCR sadly informs readers and the city’s great unwashed masses that QueenB VD has been conscripted to lead a self-imagined war, campaign and charge against invading hordes who, she believes, are at the heart of stealing and shredding the US Constitution by standing in the way of her next political and divisive exercise in self-promotion. 

   (Remember, all of these actions stem from her dictating to her Pet Rocks — LaMorgese, Farris, Spink and Ward — to pass a State resolution which had no impact or bearing on Irving.  The resolution was a Texas Tea Party non-issue designed to appeal and pander to red meat conservative jihadist Tea sippers.)

   And in her self-aggrandizing capacity of faux leadership and fabricated issues, while pretending to serve as mayor of the city, the queen will be spending more and more time in social and political noshing sessions with red meat conservative jihadist Tea Party publishers.  She will also be providing plenty of time for verbally bloated Tea sippin’ talk show host and other dubious media outlets which will give her face time, photo ops, or opportunities to perpetuate a climate of fear mongering for low information supporters to her cause.

   Thus, Irving basically will be without a mayor, for the next two years.  Especially, a mayor whose concerns are 100% dedicated to the citizenry.  But then, hasn’t this really been the case for the previous four years?

   Okay, many of you are thinking staff of the CCR has once again traipsed over the edge of responsible wordsmithing and created this scenario for ‘cat kicking’ and pounding QueenB VDs shallow ruses.  If only this was the case. 

   And how will the queen accomplish her newest flaky charade of "waging war" on a yet to be identified enemy? 

   To demonstrate our point, for the queen’s imaginary war, staff of the CCR offers the below post…from one of four QueenB VDs personal FaceBook accounts.  (Four accounts must be necessary and required to post and archive all her photo ops, glamor shots and self-congratulatory babble.) 

   We’ve deleted the links to the contribution page, noted on the queen’s FaceBook posting, for fear gullible CCR readers might accidentally click the link and fish out their credit card to send a few bucks to support her latest political scam.

   Yes, dear readers, QueenB VD needs a bucks-for-war slush fund and she wants your bucks!

   In her words, here are the primary reasons why QueenB VD wants you to part with your hard earned cash:

…………………………………………………BVD FaceBook posting 3-25-15……………….
Beth Van Duyne (Government Official)
Recent events have put me under attack and I need your help now! Stand with me to help me fight for conservative values and the Constitution. 

I am committed to fighting for our conservative values and the Constitution and I need your help today! Please chip in to ensure I have the resources I need to stand up and continue fighting for you!

   Raise your hands if you have ever read political drivel weaker and more disingenuous than the above.  (Just what the CCR thought…no hands were raised.)   

   And why does QueenB VD really want your spare change for her imaginary attack and war?
   Following is the list Dylan Westie, Executive Editor and Part-time Wordsmith for the CCR, managed to obtain from a confidential source in the queen’s "war room."  The list was hidden under a package of doggy Bacon Bits®.  

   In order to properly beat back her fictitious enemies in Irving, the state of Texas, certainly all of America and the Northern Hemisphere, QueenB VDs immediate "war strategy" dictates she must obtain massive amounts of cold hard cash for

  • New Thesaurus to complement the words ‘piss-off,’ ‘screw you,’ ‘no comment’ and ‘that’s personal’ when asked legitimate questions by recognized media outlets like the Dallas Morning News or D Magazine. 
  • New and blonder hair extensions 
  • Personal photographer to capture all her daily photo ops
  • Chief of Staff to plan maximum exposure for her "wartime activities"
  • Administrative assistant to coordinate her Tea sippin’ PR schedule
  • New SUV to arrive, in style, at money collection events and personal appearances
  • Platinum AX card to cover bar tabs when traveling on faux city business
  • Purchase of a belated wedding gift for US Representative Pete Sessions
  • Chiropractic services due to excessive mane flipping
  • Pay salaries for Flying Harpies to maintain her FaceBook pages against attacks by non-believers
  • Personal home computer server to use for clandestine e-mails, messages and photos
   As QueenB VD establishes her "war footing," citizens should be aware there will be severe rationing imposed.  Yes, with the queen’s "battlefield antics," city projects, citizen concerns and progress on essential issues will be limited…unless those items comport to her "war efforts."

   One has to wonder if QueenB VD will ever begin acting as the mayor of Irving and forego her egocentric attitude of self-promotion, seeking financial support for her personal political charades and kowtowing to factions interested in national political issues…which presently have no bearing on Irving’s genuine welfare and progress.

   Lock and load, dear readers.  In the "battle cry" words of QueenB VD begging for your bucks: Give until it hurts, or my Flying Harpies will hurt you.

……………………………Mark Holbrook

Side Notes:  The funds QueenB VD is seeking, for her imaginary attacks and pending battle, are going to the Beth Van Duyne for Mayor campaign account.  Huh?  

   QueenB VD is not running for re-election.  And due to the very loose campaign finance regulations, she could utilize these monies to prop up, pimp and promote her two Pet Rocks’ (Spink and LaMorgese) re-election efforts. Very crafty, devious and sly on the queen’s part.  

   Of course, when one has sworn total fealty to the queen like those two Pet Rocks, she will grant minor concessions for their wimpy concerns.

   Additionally, she might have her Sugar Daddy contributors funnel large bundles of cash to her new "war chest" account to disburse to other state campaigns where the queen believes the individual will subscribe to all her dictates, desires and support for her next political platform.

   Rest assured, individuals will be monitoring QueenB VDs newly revised campaign slush fund activities to determine not only who contributes to this political farce, but what the bucks are actually dolled out for, or the items purchased.

Chuckling quip from a CCR reader:  I would gladly contribute to her slush fund if I thought she would use the money to move out of town.