Thursday, March 10, 2016

CCR 03-10-16 Let's Give a Cluck

the   Controversial  Committee   Report
“We don’t raise sacred cows...we just butcher them.”

"Let’s Give a Cluck"

   If you really give a cluck about Irving being a great city, then the time is now to become involved in an issue which could define the character of the city for generations to come.

   Once again, the Irving city council will attempt to address, restrict and impede good neighbors who like fresh eggs and a feathery alarm clock.  All of this will be to placate a very small minority of folks who are determined to hen peck a hard working segment of the population…chicken lovers.

   And if you thought liquor flooding into the city would bring overwhelming public sentiment and harsh rhetoric to a council meeting…just wait until the proposed ordinance, to ban roosters and severely limit hens in the city, is on the menu agenda for considered by the city council.

   Yes, the city council is preparing to review a freshly laid ordinance to ban all roosters in the city!  What?  Better yet, why?

   The ground work, for this pecking-revision for animals in the city’s ordinances, is due to a very, very small minority (two or three?) of individuals who seem to be schizoid if they hear a rooster crowing in the morning.  
   (Actually, these geezers should be glad they are breathing and capable of hearing a rooster trumpeting a breaking new morning.)

   Has anyone thought about: If roosters are banned in the city, then how will the hens have their needs satisfied to produce "happy" eggs for all the individuals who depend on this staple to supplement meager fixed incomes? 
   (We’ll deal with the slaughtering of chickens for fresh meat later.)

   Time after time, one or two members of CHOIR (Chicken Hating Offbeat Irving Residents) have attempted to remove all live poultry from the city.  And time after time, the council has determined there is not a humongous feather-plucking outcry by citizens to penalize folks who basically are doing no harm. 
   (New adage: No harm, yes fowl.)

   If the city council seriously thought about what they are about to do,  then, perhaps, the wrong banning measures are up for consideration.  Perhaps, a revised ordinance should ban all the ‘chicken dropping-dissidents’ who favor a chicken ban instead of banning the actual chickens.

   If rooster crowing is a primary issue with the CHOIR folks, then, let’s take a few more progressive hops forward and have a total ban in the city for all: barking dogs, meowing cats, baa-ing sheep, goat odor, horse droppings, canary warbling and any other animal that two or more individuals deem unsuitable, for their constitutions, for living in the city. 

   For the record, here are some of the rather cute and restrictive points reflected in the proposed chicken ban ordinance which will ultimately be presented to the city council.  
   (If the council was thinking and genuinely astute, they would insist the Planning and Zoning commission have the initial public hearing on this proposed ordinance and then recommend possible changes to the council.  Why open the coop to Irving’s chicken loving flock to a council session first?)

   The administration’s draft chicken ban ordinance currently notes the following offenses:

…offense to keep or maintain any rooster…
 So, if you are allowed to keep a few hens (standard will be set at six), how does one expect to reap the benefits of fresh, organic "happy" eggs?  For the non-farming members of the CCR staff, chickens don’t breed by osmosis.  Or, conjugal visits.  Will roosters, if banned, use telepathy outside the Irving city limits to "happily" satisfy their harem flocks?

…offense to slaughter any chicken in public view…
   This could be the most serious aspect of the ordinance.  If enacted, the ordinance will fail due to the city’s administration attempting to squash Freedom of Religion.  How will Irving’s Feathered Hoppy Migrants celebrate the beheading of a Plymouth Rock to feed their multitudes and create a new speckled, decorative feathered boa for QueenB VD?  Remember, these zealots can only practice their religious rites in view of Mother Nature as their witness.

…violation of ordinance will be a misdemeanor with $2,000 fine for each day not in compliance…
   Good grief.  Colonel Sanders and Pilgrims doesn’t have chickens this expensive in their breeding pens!  

…enclosures must be designed, erected and maintained according to building and zoning codes…
   The translation for this BureauCAT speak is:  Your hens remodeled living quarters must adhere to the same deed restrictions as homes built in Las Colinas…tile roofs, circular drives, landscaped, and fenced pool areas.  Outdoor air freshener sprayers also will be required so the hens will be "happy" and not bothered with any feral cat or stray dog odors and deposits made in yards.

…the chicken ban ordinance is a policy of the Animal Services department which is supervised by the IPD chief of police…
   When 911 calls come in at 4:30 a.m., to the police department, for a crowing rooster, will only a squad car be dispatched, or will an ambulance and fire truck be required to handle all complaints if the ban is not imposed?

   Stay tuned.  Staff of the CCR recognizes all the processes and details of review and public hearing on the revised chicken ordinance ban haven’t been hatched yet.  Updates and notices for future public meetings will be posted for consideration by CCR readers.

   Remember, only you can help the two or three CHOIR members sing off key by standing tall for your neighbors and speaking against another inane ordinance designed to undeservedly punish a few thousand citizens of our community.
   (Notices of future meetings concerning the chicken ban ordinance will not be sent to citizens living in gated communities, as they prefer to dine only on rotisserie chickens purchased at Costco.)

   Also of note: The chicken ordinance ban primarily affects south Irving.  In south Irving, banning chickens would be tantamount to ‘ethnic cleansing’ of a segment of the city’s population who depend, enjoy and personally do no harm to their neighbors. 

   Another discernible factor concerning the population of chicken lovers in south Irving: These individuals do not take kindly to governmental intervention in personal, family, or religious rite affairs on their private property.

   Isn’t the time right for Irving’s chickens to finally have a voice at city hall?  Let’s all give a cluck!

…………………………………………………Mark Holbrook

Good News/Bad News Department
Bad News:  Irving is no longer fortunate enough to have an exclusive Dallas Morning News reporter, of record, to cover the shenanigans of the city council and school board due to the "digitalizing" of operations at the paper.

Good News:  Irving’s former DMN reporter of record, Avi Selk, was recently awarded Reporter of the Year by the Dallas Morning News.  Congratulations, Avi!  He will certainly be missed as will his incisive coverage.  Irving’s flock of Flying Harpy FaceBook bloggers will have to find another straw dog to cruelly mistreat when the light of truth shines on their confused ramblings.