Monday, July 4, 2016

CCR 07-04-16 Political Planks

the   Controversial  Committee   Report
“We don’t raise sacred cows...we just butcher them.”

"Political Planks"

   Well, Dylan Westie, Executive editor/Part-time wordsmith and Social Media Troll for the CCR, is still on summer hiatus…that lucky dog!

   However, he did manage to make a few edit changes on a chapter in his gonna’-be-published-one-day tome.  Even though he has been busy with matters assisting tax payers and avoiding other city/mayoral shenanigans, his loyal and faithful moles continue to keep him informed.  

   Thus far, the number of daily photo ops and image polishing events attended by QueenB VD — since the ‘clock kid’ returned to town on vacation — is equal to the daily temperature…high 90s.  To factor in the actual daily grand total of queenly photo ops, the heat index must also be added.  

   Example: Temperature = 98° + a heat index of 14° = 112 photo ops in one day.  That’s enough photo ops to break out into a serious sweat  NPD coma!

   Just imagine.  If the city’s bond rating was tied to the number of photo ops QueenB VD desired to have, on a daily basis, then Standard and Poor’s would bestow a DDDDD+ bond rating on the city due to her incessant blabbering to Red Meat TEA-carnivore groups.

   It will be interesting to see if QueenB VD can spike a new ‘temperature’ record when she speaks to the Far North Dallas TEA Party sycophants in September.  Surely, her trusted sidekick, State representative Matt "Squeaky" Rinaldi, will be there for this and all other Red Meat-TEA carnivore activities affecting Irving, to assist in having his queen set a new record. 

   Now, back to the issue at hand.

   While the following was written over three years ago, Dylan has provided enough changes to have the topic current with events transpiring today.  And, dear readers, what a sad day it is when we have the current choices before us to be the leader of the free world!

   If there was just some way Independence Day today would free us from the tyranny of sleazy politicos. 

…………………………………Mark Holbrook

   Dylan’s Ruffings
(A canine guide to bliss)
(Everything you wanted to know about sex  humans, but was afraid to bark)
(You can eat it…even if it smells bad) 

Political Planks

      The great thing about being the Alpha dog in the family is there is plenty of Dylan-time available.  And my time starts after the Master goes to the coffee shop, followed by the Boss Lady and her truck driving son — my human-sibling — leave for a hard day on the road.

     The house is quiet, but the TV is always on.  I lounge on the top of the sofa and peer through the bay windows watching the patio for squirrels raiding the peanut bowl which sits next to the bird feeders. 

   Of course, these ratlike critters know they are safe and can enjoy themselves…as I’m currently confined indoors.  However, it’s certainly a different story when I’m outside actually guarding the patio against rodent intruders.

     The only drawback lately to my morning Zen-napping is the TV is always set, by the Master, on the Fox News channel.  Good Grief, Charlie Brown!  Really?  

   I’m going to have a political embolism and my eyes are going cross and bleeding from the presidential candidates blathering, tweeting and boasting.  The political hype and blather is driving me to distraction...and frequent urination.

     While I understand the concern the Master has for the direction the country has taken the past four years, by the current Bozo-in-Chief, let’s face facts…neither current presidential candidate has addressed the most important issue every focus group mentions.  As a matter of fact, the issue is not even on the table or front burner of those candidates.  Simply stated, where are the discussions regarding canine needs and issues? 

   The political pinheads running for president pander to every group imaginable, but there hasn’t been one candidate who has seen fit to champion our needs.  That’s just shameful! That’s unconscionable. Why, that even verges on being non-furry.  

     Can you believe neither political party has a Canine Plank in their platform?  And this travesty of omission has to stop…now.  Today!  

   Where is the Canine Plank to have any abuser of dogs (OK, all other animals will be included) treated with the same type of abuse they inflict on an animal?  Why isn’t food and water deprived to any animal abuser who leaves animals untended and without their basic requirements?  Why aren’t puppy mill farm creeps stuffed in an 8‘x8’ jail cell with thirty other smelly convicts to roll around in their own piles of poop?

   Look, if the federal government can protect wild, endangered or weird animal species, then why aren’t there federal statues on the books to protect us domesticated fuzz balls?  City ordinances can only do so much, but the feds need to step in by adopting some mandatory sentencing guidelines for the scum that mistreats any animal.  Agree? 

     There are so many more abuses and crimes perpetrated against animals (dogs in particular) which should be addressed.  And this is why there must be a strong effort to ensure the babbling presidential candidates wake up and smell the dog breath! 

   If I ran for president (I would first need to dust off my "almost" Irving Mayor political campaign signs), you can bet that something would be done about having a Canine Plank for voters to pick the candidate most interested in what needs to be accomplished in America. 

   I think for now, I’ll just contact one of those environmental groups which is dedicated and working to save trees.  Saving trees and dogs from abuse could be a good voting bloc and garner plenty of voter support.  This could be the right time to form The Pee Party…which should not be confused with the national and state groups of Red Meat TEA-carnivores.  The Pee Party will actually accomplish something instead of playing restroom cops or spreading fear, hate and discontent.

   Look for a formal announcement of the Pee Party soon in a neighborhood near you.  You’ll recognize these folks by their unique campaign slogan: "Save a Tree and Help Relieve a Dog."

   For now, I just wish this election cycle of self-aggrandizing politicos was over.  

   Then, the Master could revert to leaving the TV on the Animal Planet channel all day.  This would allow me to keep current with how all my other pampered or downtrodden peeps are doing.
 Dylan Westie
as told to
Mark Holbrook