Sunday, June 26, 2016

CCR 06-26-16 Dylan's Opus

the   Controversial  Committee   Report
“We don’t raise sacred cows...we just butcher them.”

"Dylan’s Opus"

   No, dear readers, the CCR has not ceased publication, been run out of town, or assigned a court date…replete with gag order.  The primary reason for a scant number of reports lately is due to one factor…Dylan Westie.

   Yes, Dylan Westie, Executive editor/Part-time wordsmith and Social Media Troll for the CCR, has been on summer hiatus!  He has been attending to his "charity work" of assisting fellow under appreciated tax payers and working on his personal tome of self-help improvement for humans…especially those of voting age.

   For probably the next three weeks, Dylan will be totally immersed in his "charity" obligation, so reports of significance and enlightenment might be scarce.  However, he does have moles assigned to keep track of: QueenB VDs pre-mayoral campaign photo ops; number of times QueenB VD flips her mane in a council work session; talking points blathered by her Chief of Staff, Pet Rock LaMorgese; and all her speaking engagement blathering — now that the ‘clock kid’ is returning to Irving for a vacation — to Red Meat TEA-carnivore sycophants. 

   For the interim, staff of the CCR has been given approval to release a draft copy of the  Introduction to Dylan’s gonna-be-published-one-day opus.  Staff is currently working on having him provide one or two of the completed chapters for later CCR reports. 

   So, stay tuned.
………………..…………….Mark Holbrook  

Dylan’s Ruffings
(A canine guide to bliss)
(Everything you wanted to tell a human, but were afraid to bark)
(You can eat it…even if it smells bad) 
 Dylan Westie
as told to
Mark Holbrook


     If you can believe 3,000 monkeys, with typewriters, could eventually produce the works of the Great Bard, William Shakespeare, then you just have to believe a West Highland White Terrier (Westie for short) could write this tome.  And without being self-serving, you will find that I have accomplished this feat without benefit of extra snacks, long walks, or missed grooming appointments.  However, just don’t talk to me about sore paws though.

     With that out of the way, let’s get down to the basics.  One of my favorite authors, Kurt Vonnegut, Jr., had a saying which fits what this book tends to reflect.  He was on the mark when he stated: “Life is no way to treat an animal.”  In other words, life is tough.  Life is not fair.  And more often than not, coping with the daily grind can even make fleas jump off a fluffy coat of fur.

   While Vonnegut probably didn’t have dogs in mind, it is plain to see if humans had the native intelligence of canines, many of the world’s problems could be solved.  Sure, this is deep thinking for a dog.  But, not as deep as it takes to bury a bone in the backyard.  

     Just look at all these ramblings in this publication realistically. 

   Who wags their rear each time they are paid a little attention, or just glad to see you...a dog.  Who will serve as your protector against intruders, muggers or squirrels...a dog. Who never argues about money or the extreme purchase price of a purse...a dog.  

   In essence, life is very tough, but the ability to sail through with as few dings, dents or carpet piles (not the manufactured type of pile) as possible is to have an understanding dog in your family.

     One thing we canines know for sure is the definition of marriage, happiness and understanding the human condition.  And to be really simple about it, marriage, like politics, is: The ultimate compromise.  And to a dog, compromise means giving up something in order to gain something.  

   Compromise is similar to tugging on a towel.  You humans pull on one end and we pull on the other.  We both enjoy the exercise until one or the other attempts to be sneaky and grab a little father up on the towel to the disadvantage of the other.  That’s not compromising…that’s being deceitful.

     The claim that this book can heal marriages, make partners more appreciative of each other, resolve the egocentricity of politicos, or even remove ugly carpet stains is not without merit.  After all, when the canine factor is added to any discussion or argument, the outcome is always positive.  Unless the subject is chasing squirrels.

     A primary side benefit to all this canine insight is that: You will no longer need to obtain an Oprah fix and hope for a new car; a Judge Judy tongue lashing for stiffing an ex on alimony payments; a litany of Dr.(not the MD type) Phil quacky adages that do little but fill the pages of his books; or a Maury Povich DNA analysis to determine which shameful breed farm you were born in.  And certainly, you will not be bothered with the sycophant blathering or talking points of low information Red Meat TEA-carnivores.

     While all of these ramblings seem to be about me, let me assure you -- dear reader -- that the “lessons” learned while reading this humble opus will translate and make you a better human, animal lover and protector of those who cannot verbalize or fend for themselves.  

   After all, the Big Guy didn’t give us vocal cords, but he did give us good paws for typing to tell you all about life, politics, personal relationships, Blue Bell ice cream, and how to get the attention of your cable provided when service swirls around the porcelain latrine after multiple conversations with English-challenged individuals. 

   And if you don’t believe all that you read in these missives, then you might as well go to the animal shelter and adopt a stubborn, uncaring, self-centered cat to match you personality and outlook on life.

   Enjoy, and remember to keep the snack canister full — while your faithful companion nestles with you in the La-Z-Boy — while reading.

Dylan Westie
June 26, 2016
Irving, Texas

Ringtail Productions Limited
    LAWYER STUFF:  Dylan’s Ruffings, the Controversial Committee Report, ZAP! and the O-file are published by Mark Holbrook who everyone knows -- except for a couple apathetic slugs whose IQ equals their shoe size -- is Mike Howard.  Any reference to persons deceased is purely out of respect.  For those still living, draw your own conclusions.  Get in line if you want to sue or complain.  Better yet, call someone who might really care.  Letters written must meet at least one of the following criteria: humorous, cat kicking, or not libelous.  Simple requirements for simple readers...that’s our philosophy.  “Cool and the Geezer” is syndicated by Ringtail Productions Limited and all rights are reserved.  The CCR and ZAP! are printed and issued only when local political idiocy becomes laughable.  Permission is granted to copy, fax, or e-mail this report to a friend, associate, or someone you really don’t like.  The “candid” conversation reports have been injected with fabricated nouns, verbs, conjunctions, adverbs, modifiers and maybe a few dangling participles. All previous reports, butchered sacred cows and blog responses are posted at: 
First “cat kicked” in 1984       Contact:       June 26, 2016