the Controversial Committee Report
“We don’t raise sacred cows...we just butcher them.”
“Links Pasture Gas”
Now, what is staff of the CCR going to do for spring golfing recreation? There will be no Byron Nelson golf tournament for denizens of ‘beautiful downtown Irving’ this year.
After all these years of having a successful tournament in the city, the Salesmanship Club of Dallas, with a brass bull ring in their nose, is being led to the tip of far, far, far southern Dallas by AT&T, Dallas city bureaucrats, and Dallas politicos to play golf on a landfill (read: former garbage dump).
While the entire Byron Nelson move cannot be attributed to Irving’s ex-mayor BVD, who has probably been relieved of her home furnishings consulting for HUD Secretary Ben Carson, it stands to reason her actions and activities might have assisted, in a major way, for the move decision to be made. How?
A quick DMN article search would find, during her disastrous reign, ex-mayor BVD went full tilt press to appease all her Red Meat TEA-carnivore supporters, which created a climate where a branch of the KKK and gun toting Froot Loops converged, marched and demonstrated around the city.
And this wasn’t the only bad publicity ex-mayor BVD managed to achieve and spread. She was relentless in promoting her self-aggrandizing political agenda, at any cost, which caused Irving to be recognized as a wannabe temple of extreme right wing flakes…with her being the flaky queen.
With the Nelson tournament moving to Dallas, the politicos and AT&T hope to shine the golfing beacon on their newly constructed course. While the vested interest will be proud of their efforts, PGA golfers might be swinging a different stroke after they see and play the course.
Staff of the CCR ventured virtually to the new Dallas golf site for the following observations which could cause golfers to ask: “We have to play on this depression era pea patch?”
Here’s what the golfers should look forward to:
* With no luxury hotels nearby, golfers would be advised to book their lodging needs early, as the hourly rates charged for rooms in this area of town will be increasing dramatically.
* Golfers will need to utilize their own transportation to and from the course as Uber does not take fares into, or pick up riders in an economically depressed zone.
*. Golfers are encouraged to make dinner reservations in advance as the influx of tourist to the neighborhood could create large crowds at KFC, Whataburger, and MaMa’s Home Cooking.
* Wives of golfers will marvel at all the surrounding shopping opportunities — Dollar Store, Goodwill, and the Used Clothing Pantry.
*. Asked to comment ethereally on the course design, Christopher Columbus immediately became a firm believer that the Earth truly is flat and golfers would be falling off into space.
* The Sierra Club could fine AT&T and the City of Dallas for the lack of real trees. The current non-forest venue is similar to a tree farm’s first planting of saplings.
* Golfers are reminded, when putting, the odoriferous odor is not their caddy “cutting cheese,” but rather methane gas seeping up through the green’s flag cup.
* Golfers will not be allowed to wear metal spiked golf shoes on the course as the EPA has stated this could create the potential for multiple methane gas explosions.
* Golfers will be surprised to learn those are not grass divots when making an iron shot. The substance flying through the air will be an Ozarka plastic water bottle unearthed from the landfill.
* Golfers will be given an abundance of free tickets to the tournament as those familiar with the area might not want to pay and watch the tournament in a pasture even cows would avoid.
The true test for the 2018 Byron Nelson will rest on the number of golf fans who actually venture to this landfill wilderness. Golfers will be playing on a sub-par course where common amenities in the area are non-existent. And this could truly impact the grand charitable work of the Salesmanship Club of Dallas.
An etherial text message, from Byron Nelson, was received by the PGA. In the message, which was also addressed to AT&T, Dallas city bureaucrats and Dallas politicos, he stated: “This new tournament course has all the ghastly charm of Irving’s Twin Wells public golf course…even before they spend several million dollars on repairs and renovations.”
………………………………Mark Holbrook
