Sunday, April 1, 2012

the O-file: Let's Party

The O-file

(Inside the president’s mind documenting what he really isn’t saying.)

The time to get serious is now! My poll numbers are trending downward, gasoline prices continue to soar and some pundits have accused me of suffering from ADD DAD (Deficit Attention Disorder). Do they really believe the president can do anything about the deficit or gasoline prices? If I fix the deficit, then where will the money come from for all my social engineering programs?

To get my re-election campaign back on track and have everyone love me again, I will be making some drastic changes. Also, y’all need to keep sending me obscene amounts of campaign cash so I can squander it with great efficiency. Some of those Hollywood dorks are holding back and George Soros is growing weary of funding 374 liberal attack groups to assist me.

Here are some key factors that will solidify my victory in November 2012:

  • Mr. TelePrompter will replace Biden as my Vice President. Joe just cannot keep his foot out of his mouth. Besides, he cannot stretch the truth as well as I can. Also, Mr. TelePrompter will be in charge of turning all microphones on and off to ensure folks do not hear me kowtowing to Russian or other foreign leaders.
  • My new “Tax the Rich” platform will exclude all Hollywood actors and executives, members of Congress, anyone who has contributed at least $50,000 to my campaign coffers, and all ‘green’ energy company officers that have received billions of stimulus dollars, but then gone bankrupt.
  • I’ll be creating a new Department of Athletic Supporters cabinet position. This will assist me in completing my March Madness brackets, shave a few strokes off my unreported golf scores, and provide me with free game day tickets to all play off sporting events to mingle with the peons fans.
  • To focus attention on me keeping America safe, minarets will be installed on all corners of the White House to let terrorists know that I like to negotiate.
  • When the Supreme Court declares ObamaCare unconstitutional, I will initiate a new plan for health coverage. Any individual who has my campaign logo tattooed on their forehead will receive free medical care for life.
  • All of the vacation trips Michelle and the kids take will now be classified as ‘legislative research’ to keep the prying press off their case.
  • My golf outings will be scheduled at night so no one can see me slipping out of the White House to go play on weekends when there is an international crisis brewing.
  • My daily fund raising trips across the country at tax payer’s expense will be shortened to three states per day with four stops in each state. This will also conserve 17 gallons of jet fuel for Air Force One.
  • Million dollar consulting agreements have been issued to Al and Jesse to make certain that they keep voters stirred up and their minds off the real issues confronting America.
  • Green card and voter registration machines will be installed at all southern border crossings.
  • My Chicago thugs ‘workers’ will impound mortuary files in all states to confirm that all deceased voters have been counted.

Fellow Americans, I have been working hard on your behalf. I know it doesn’t look like it, but don’t believe everything you see on Fox News, hear on those jabbering talk radio programs, or read on the White House Dossier. Listening to all those folks would make you believe that there are actual problems in America. How absurd can that be?

Look, I’ve never had it so good! And if it’s good for me, then it must be good for America. Now, let’s get busy and get me I can party for four more years.