Friday, October 5, 2012

the O-file: Benghazi Calling

the O-file 
(Inside the president’s mind documenting what he really isn’t saying.)

        What Happens When a ‘Community Organizer’ Is Charged With Protecting the United States?

(A phone rings in a bedroom of the White House)

Obama:  The One and only here.  Do you realize that it is 3:00 o’clock in the morning?  I sure hope this call is important!  I stayed up late last evening watching a rerun of my grand speech at the Democrat National Convention.  Boy, Mr. TelePrompter did a fantastic job.

V. Jarrett:  Sorry Mr. President, but we have just been informed of a major crisis at our embassy in Benghazi.  That’s in Libya.  In the Middle East.  You know, the world’s hot spot of intolerance, ignorance and 9th century thinking.

Obama:  Look, Hillary is the pro at answering 3:00 a.m. phone calls.  Don’t you remember how, in a very prissy manner, she told me so during the campaign for the Democrat nomination.  She asserted that she, not me, had the experience and background to handle an early a.m. national crisis.  Have you tried her?

V. Jarrett:  Yes, we have.  Due to the nature of the tragedy and its foreign policy implications, she insisted that you be contacted.  Mr. President, our Libyan ambassador, two Navy seals and another staff member have been murdered.  There was a terrorist attack on our embassy by al Qaeda forces.  It was pre-planned and pre-meditated to coincide with the September 11th anniversary of the 2001 bombings.  It is also related to our killing Osama Ben Laden.

Obama:  Hold on!  Hold on!  Let’s don’t jump the gun on what caused all this.  My re-election is looming on the horizon and all these sticky foreign policy issues -- like the unemployed stats -- must be watered down.  This is why I chose not to meet with Netanyahu and appeared on “The View” with Whoopi Goldberg instead.  So, don’t rush into saying something that will make me look incompetent or foolish...the White House Dossier can do that without any assistance.*

V. Jarrett:  Sorry Mr. President.  What would you like for us to do?  How shall we spin this so that none of the responsibility or blame shifts to you?

Obama:  First, this must be considered a ‘protest’ that got out of hand due to a stupid video made by some California nut job.  Be sure all of the campaign and White House staff members follow this talking point.  Be certain our UN ambassador, Susan Rice, sings this verse over and over again.  Then, I need for you to be sure to push all the blame for the inadequate security of our embassy on Hillary.  Third, let me know when the bodies arrive back in the states so I can adopt my ‘deep concern’ facade and tell everyone we are going to ‘bring the murderers to justice.’  Hopefully, this will be on a day when I’m not campaigning or scheduled to play golf.

V. Jarrett:  Yes sir.  I’ll see that your scheme is put in motion.  I’ll give you an update tomorrow just in case you need to address the nation from the Oval Office regarding national security issues involved in this tragedy.

Obama:  Don’t worry about updating me tomorrow.  I’ll be in Las Vegas campaigning and raising cash for my re-election.  After all, I have to keep my priorities in order.  This incident is just another “bump in the road” for my Obama Doctrine...or kowtowing foreign policy.  We need to be sure to keep a lid on all the background “noise” and fallout so my re-election campaign doesn’t get off track.  Now, take care of all this.  I have an early flight on Air Force One in morning.  And will you be sure they have some of those chocolate filled donuts and hamburgers onboard?  Michelle isn’t going to be on the plane and I need a good dose of ‘middle class’ nutrition-reality.

     A note from counsel: These “candid” presidential brain synapses have been injected with fabricated nouns, verbs, adjectives, conjunctions, adverbs, modifiers and maybe a few dangling participles -- just like when the president speaks...Mark Holbrook