Monday, September 9, 2013

the O-file: Syrian Decision Making

This report was written 9-1-13.  There has been no change since then, except for John Kerry yammering non-sequiturs.  The president will address the American people on Tuesday.  The primary reason for his long delay: playing golf on Saturday; watching football on Sunday and Monday.  MH 9-9-13

the O-file 
(Inside the president’s mind documenting what he really isn’t saying.)

     Hey! It has been some time since you have heard from my brain synapses.  Look, golf comes first, partying with Jay Z and Beyonce second, playing with my dog Bo third, giving ‘campaign’ speeches to the middle class peons on jobs not created fourth, watching ObamaCare getting turned down more than a Motel 6 bed sheet fifth, staying out of Michelle’s way sixth, and attempting to conjure what the Obama Doctrine for foreign policy might be seventh.  As you can see, being Charlatan-in-Chief keeps my plate full...and not with all that ‘healthy‘ garbage Michelle is promoting that the school kids do not want to eat.  

     Back to my original thought.  Ever since I blew the Benghazi cover up while I was playing cards with Reggie in the White House War Room, I realized...not to decide can sometimes come back to bite you in the butt.  And this is what I think is brewing with the Syrian problem.

     I’ve procrastinated so long already on this Syria dilemma and by shuffling the decision off to Congress for when they come back from their extended break, I can get a couple more rounds of golf in before going before the American public and telling them that I’m not responsible for Bashar Assad using chemical weapons on his people.  Look, the guy has done this on previous occasions and no one cared.  What’s the big fuss about now?  

     Did you like how I sent Secretary of Defense Kerry out to give a sample of my thoughts before I told the American people that I was waiting for Congress to finish their vacation before I made any type of a decision?  If you missed his condescending blathering, here is the text of his remarks: “We now know what we know for those in the know who still don’t know what the president knows or what his known plan is for the known ‘red line’ that was known prior to what we now know.”  And this is why I’m such a great Charlatan-in-chief...literary ambiguity.  It works ever time on the huddled masses.

      You know I don’t want to put any ‘boots on the ground’ in Syria like George Bush did in Iraq.  And for that, I’m not worried since al Qaeda already has boots on the ground in Syria.  When we intervene, there is already someone to fill the void that the Muslim Brotherhood ouster will leave.  Nothing like having your real friends lend a helping hand!  After all, who needs the French, Brits or Aussies when you have al Qaeda waiting in the wings?

     As far as what type of action I may decide to take...I like the ‘shot across the bow’ method for bitch-slapping Assad.  Since the capital, Damascus, is not on the coast, I’ll have the CIA float a Cajun pirogue in a pond in the inner city for our drone to fire a Hellfire missile across the bow.  That should get his attention and everyone off my back.

     Looks like I’m in gear for another of my classic lose/lose situations that have become the hallmark of my presidency.  That sounds like such a good topic for another speech...I’ll send my notes over to Mr. TelePrompter to get cranking.  I’ll title this little gem of wordsmithing: “Lose Another One for the Gipper.”  

     I’ll have the audience standing in praise while I blame all my failures for the past five years on George Bush, Congress, Republicans in general, and my new Callaway RAZR driver.  Damn, I’ve got to do something about that keeps drifting off to the far left.

A note from counsel: These “candid” presidential brain synapses have been injected with fabricated nouns, verbs, adjectives, conjunctions, adverbs, modifiers and maybe a few dangling participles -- just like when he speaks….Mark Holbrook  09-01-13