Saturday, January 4, 2014

CCR 01-04-14: A Sad State

the   Controversial  Committee   Report
“We don’t raise sacred cows...we just butcher them.”

     It was recently brought to the attention of the CCR staff that commenting on the foibles and mismanagement activities of mayor BVD is somehow akin to, or presumed to infer that the staff was ‘obsessed’ or actually had a ‘crush’ on the mayor.  Seriously?  Isn’t that just special laughable?  And these same folks want others in the city to believe they are germane to the political discussion?  

     Perhaps, the blogging, Kool-Aid sippers who cannot detect factual information when it is wrapped in satire or ‘cat kicking’ rhetoric either need to go cold turkey on the Kool-Aid, or zip over to Big State Drug Store and have their prescriptions refilled.  Either way, shouldn’t they seek help for the betterment of the city?

     With this in mind and to demonstrate just how close mayor BVD really is with staff of the CCR, she has requested that we prepare her remarks for the big, annual State of the City address sponsored by the Irving/Las Colinas/Hackberry Creek/Cottonwood Valley/Valley Ranch Chamber of Commerce.  We feel honored to accept this wordsmithing assignment with the hope and anticipation that we will be remembered with free tickets on her next Saudi Arabia junket.  If not a free trip, then maybe there are some sporting ducats available to secrete under our front door mat.

     As the crowd settles down, mayor BVD approaches the dais, flips her mane and begins:
Hey, Kool-Aid sipping peeps and bloggers, I’m still down with you.  Let’s get the vote out and get me re-elected...oops, sorry, wrong notes! 
Citizens of Irving:
First, I want to thank the chamber for the free ticket to this august event.  After all, it’s the least they could do for the $1.6 million that I shuttle into their budget for ‘studies’ and other data flushed from a “Magic 8 Ball.”  And to provide free parking...just icing on the cake.  Seriously, I doubt that even I would pay $100 to hear I me pontificate and prattle.

To the topic at hand.  Remember: You cannot spell Irving without an ‘I.’  And I cannot tell you how great the past year has been with having I...uh, me in charge.  Yes, I can stand before you tonight and truly state that I was totally responsible for all the good that has transpired in the city during 2013.  Any negative issues should be directed to the other imbecilic members of the council...except for my savants Farris and LaMorgese.  I take no credit for the activities of non-believers of my strident/egocentric management style.  I regret that I have to share the stage with them.  After all, there can only be one prima donna in this city.

I improved city morale when I released the former city manager to ‘greener’ pastures...lined with solar street lights.  Yes, I lost a good tennis partner, but I hope to pick up a new one when a permanent city manager is hired.

I plan to board the ARK entertainment center least through the re-election cycle.  Then, I’ll see how I feel about this concept that I didn’t initiate or originally support.

I approved the 49th study of the Heritage District and I will immediately launch another study in 2014.  I firmly believe that the more studies we have for this area will keep the old downtown citizenry involved...and guessing as to when something concrete might actually be accomplished.  And I want an involved citizenry to be sure they go to the polls and vote for I me.

I believe there is a lack of support on the council for I me that just doesn’t understand all that I have attempted to accomplish during 2013.  I, along with my new best friends -- the chamber of commerce and special interest campaign donors -- allowed the Cowboys and Byron Nelson to leave town to enable more venues for tennis tournaments.  This should draw hundreds of visitors to the least those who can afford the ticket prices.  And remember, I expect free passes to all these events.

I am proud to announce that 2014 will witness more residential housing in Irving utilizing all that vacant property under the D/FW Airport runways.  I believe that a tax base increase does trump any airline tragedy that might occur...or potential homeowner law suits. 

In 2013, I initiated agreements with the Saudi Arabian government to not only provide sand for winter icy road conditions in Irving, but also to fund the BVD Foundation for Phubbing Disorders.

I have approved the agreement with a major Las Colinas developer to connect their canals with Delaware Creek so that there will be a ‘green’ link with South Irving.  I believe this action will eliminate the ongoing north/south divisiveness and allow southern residents to take gondolas to the new entertainment center...if I even let it open.

As I prepare to enter the re-election fray to do more “good” for the city, I especially want to acknowledge my ‘campaign sugar daddy’ who was most accommodating in securing the PR firm to gloss over my record and provide all those wonderful photo ops to impress potential voters.  I am even starting to believe that I am a wonderful politico who can con any voter given enough money, slick mane-flipping photos and brochures!

2013 was a busy year in Irving, but I sailed through it like a skydiver leaping into Lake Caroline.  And this is how I will kick off my re-election campaign...skydiving to city hall to file my re-election documents.  Please, re-election supporters, don’t walk in front of the cameras that day sipping your Kool-Aid...that’s bad for my image.

Finally, I want to thank the staff of the CCR for their continued assistance, guidance and support in 2013.  After all, they have been there every step of the way to document what I have done...even when I wasn’t there in mind, body or spirit!

…………………………..Mark Holbrook

Ed. Note:  Lunch with the staff of the CCR for the first reader to correctly state how many times mayor BVD used the noun “I” in her remarks...either in this report, or at the actual chamber banquet re-election address on January 16th.