Thursday, March 6, 2014

CCR 03-06-14: Mush You Curs!

the   Controversial  Committee   Report
“We don’t raise sacred cows...we just butcher them.”


     Good News!  the CCRs Executive Editor, Part-time Wordsmith and almost mayor of Irving, Dylan Westie, has just received a celestial-text message from meteorological guru, Harold Taft.  Forget Spring.  Irving will be blanketed in three feet of powder snow on May 10, 2014.  And this couldn’t come at a more opportune time.

     Why is this so fortunate and important?  Many readers are familiar with the Iditarod Trail Sled Dog Race in Alaska.  Only the best, fastest and strongest prevail to take home the honors, bask in the tundra glory and be recognized by all concerned as they nibble on doggy treats. 

     Since the CCR will not be predicting, endorsing or recommending any candidate to vote for in the upcoming Irving mayoral race between mayor BVD and ex-Mayor Herbie, what better way to select a winner this time than to have the First Annual Irving “Idid-alot” Trail Sled Dog race?  (Prior to the race, each candidate will attempt to sway potential voters with all the things “I did” for you.)  The Idid-alot race trail will be from north Irving (where both candidates live) to city hall in south Irving...where they visit only when required.

     The predicted snow fall will assure that the race will occur on time.  After all, PACs, Special Interest Groups, Sugar Daddy donors and Developers will have forked over some heavy and serious cash (all reported?) to sponsor their candidate’s dogs in this race.  The Irving public, as spectators, will be allowed to witness who the candidates have as backers for their dogs.

     Listening to many CCR readers, as they have discussed the upcoming mayoral race, they believe a dog sled race would be the best way to pick a mayor without actually having to go to the polls and cast a ballot for either candidate.  Especially now, since Dylan was ‘thwarted’ in being on the ballot to make it a real contest.  

     (Couldn’t you just picture Dylan mushing his sled across the finish line in first place with his banner ‘Hike a leg for Paw Power’ blowing in the breeze? Could a write-in vote for Dylan change the race outcome?)

     So, how will this race be scheduled and conducted?  Simple.  Each mayoral candidate will select five huskies, as paid for by their ‘sponsors,’ to pull their sleds loaded with campaign promises, fluffy and bloated rhetoric, back biting criticism of their opponent and enough kitty litter to spread should their sled become bogged down in a snow drift.  (Note: It will result in an immediate disqualification for either candidate if caught throwing used kitty litter at their opponent.)

     To assist Irving spectators, who will be able to wager on the outcome of the race, staff of the CCR has obtained the names of the five huskies pulling each of the candidate’s sleds.  This tout will assist voters who desire to handicap the race and drop a few bucks on their favorite pups.  The dogs pulling the candidate’s sleds in the mayoral race are:

mayor BVDs sled dogs feature: SugarD$$; FlashPic; HiddenAgda; AirJump; and LobMe.

ex-Mayor Herbie’s sled dogs feature:  BBB$$; Pander+; Mr.Glib; Flashy; Hubris2. 
     For readers not familiar with all the sled dogs entered, then you probably haven’t been reading the CCR reports or paying close attention to what these dogs and their handlers have been doing in the city.  After all, the dogs have been running around Irving chasing your cats, creating unsightly yard ‘ornaments’ and rummaging through your trash for the past nine years...or more.  With this in mind, Yogi Berra would certainly want to restate his infamous line for this mayoral dog race between these two candidates.  Would he now intone: Deja vu...NOT AGAIN!”

     The betting windows for the Irving “Idid-alot” Trail Sled Dog Race will open on April 28th with the early odds balanced at 50/50.  Of course, this could change depending on weather conditions, kitty litter strewn on the track and all the unsightly canine yard ‘ornaments’ now stuffed in your mail box.

     Just in case there might be folks wondering, this race has been sanctioned and sponsored by TWM Group (Those With Money) and approved by PETA.  

     The only harm (physical or mental) to any animals in this dog sled race would be those in the voting public for having to put up with this mayoral campaign redux

…………………...Mark Holbrook