Friday, May 9, 2014

CCR 05-09-14: Three More (Ugh) Years?

the   Controversial  Committee   Report
“We don’t raise sacred cows...we just butcher them.”

Saturday, May 10th is Election Day.  
(That’s tomorrow for slow CCR readers.)
     And just in case you have misplaced the CCRs list of favorites, here they are again:
Mayor:  You pick...we still like Dylan Westie “Almost” Mayor of Irving
Place 3:  Dennis Webb
Place 5:  Rose Cannaday
School Board:  District 2 -- Nell Anne Hunt

     Regardless of who wins the mayoral race (Dylan Westie being excluded), staff of the CCR predicts a three year extravaganza of ‘cat kicking’ wordsmithing chores.  Really, after hearing and reading all the campaign materials, blog post and other assorted non-factual rubbish rained down on the city like carpet bombing, the ground has been laid bare.  And this leaves the city with so many political stones left to turn...just to see what crawls out from under them.

     And in the spirit of recognizing special achievements observed during this contentious election cycle, staff of the CCR decided to spring a few bucks and have the first ever CCR Election Achievement Awards created.  The awards are recognition for special achievement during the campaign by obtuse candidates, deluded bloggers and misinformed individuals.  The statues for the recipients are in the shape of: a large, rumpled pile of political brochures resembling a roadkill lump stuffed in a mail box under a front door mat.

And the 2014 CCR award winners are:
Reality TV Achievement Award:  Goes to mayor BVD for her “political” commercials.  Glamor shot videos and preparationH©-narratives blanketed channels for days and days and days on end.  The total series of ads (equal to 36 two hour programs...72 hours total for CCR readers slow on cyphering) will debut on Fox News this fall as the reality series titled “It’s All About Me.”  A ‘red carpet,’ with plenty of photographers present, screening of the entire series will be mandatory viewing for all of mayor BVDs Pet Rocks...any new and all current members of her collection.  The book version of the reality series, titled “ME,” will be reduced in size comparable to Mao’s red book.  These booklets must be carried, memorized and quoted on demand by all Pet Rocks when requested by mayor BVD.

Humanitarian Suffering Award:  Recognizes mayor BVDs anguish during the entire campaign while dealing with her suspected NPD (Narcissistic Personality Disorder) and a newly diagnosed ailment best described in the DMN editorial endorsement as AHD (Aloof Haughty Dismissiveness).  What a real trooper though...campaigning and flipping her mane from sun up to sun down and weathering the constant glare of photo flashes while ‘flashing the whites’ as if receiving a PhD degree from the Political Grinning Institute.  

Mother Superior of Flying Harpy Bloggers Award:  As nominated and sponsored by mayor BVD, the award is presented to (name withheld due to CCR policy)* for the ability to demonstrate that a closed mind cannot be opened...even when using the ‘jaws of life truth.‘  Addiction to spin, talking points and political tripe supplied to the awardee by the sponsor demonstrated that postings -- on any topic -- by other bloggers were unnecessary and not worthy of consideration...once the awardee penned vitriolic retribution on all non-believers who had not pledged their blood, sweat, mind and fealty to mayor BVD on the blog site.  

The awardee also received Special Recognition for the scientifically proven analysis that the “lady gene” DNA is not present in all Flying Harpies.  The awardee demonstrated this by referring to a non-blogger as being “a piece of $!!!!.”  Not to mention the awardee also accusing three individuals of ‘forced sexually assaulting’ the city.  Wow!  Now, this is real classy, unladylike blogging only a “lady gene-less” Flying Harpy could perform in a stealthy dive bomb mode!

God Votes in Irving? Award:  Presented to (name withheld due to CCR policy)* a blogger who actually used biblical scripture in an attempt to promote his candidate whose political peers support the Pro Choice agenda (which in all probability the candidate does, too).  Political irony or cluelessness on the blogger’s part?  The CCR will weigh-in on the side of terminal cluelessness for this awardee.

Insulin Overachievement Award:  For all the ‘Sugar Daddy’ contributors (too many to name) who forked over more that $2,000 each to the BVD mayoral campaign and tied their ‘special interest’ strings to her voting arm.  Those contributing such large amounts will also be entitled to have complete access to the mayor’s Pet Rock collection (names of Pet Rocks will be provided upon request).

Fred Astaire Legal Shuffle Award:  Presented to mayor BVDs wannabe Pet Rock candidate for city council, Ward, for dancing around the Whistle Stop/Farmers Market/Food Truck site that he wants to develop.  Of course, the hue and cry is, if elected, he’ll not be a part of any discussions or votes on the project.  Question: How transparent is it when the mayor and her wannabe Pet Rock might be discussing a possible city council project beyond the scope of the full council at this stage of the game?  While mayor BVD and her Pet Rock wannabe provide a spinning two-step routine around any discussions they may have had, one has to wonder if all this meets the smell test on the ‘transparency meter‘ of openness for future governmental actions?  After all, major supporters of mayor BVD are also part of this possible project with the Pet Rock wannabe.  Could all this have the makings of a possible sequel to the popular TV series, “All In The Family?”  

     For those who envisioned critical and positive change happening after this election season, staff of the CCR would ask that you quit eating the mushrooms.  And for those not munching mushrooms, please remove those rose colored glasses.  This election could result in a very sad and a potentially more disastrous sequel of city political happenings when compared to the previous three years.

     If a movie should be made about the upcoming three years, it could feature Sugar Daddy contributors in staring roles as the overlords of the citizenry in “The Urban Gulag: South Irving Unit #7.” 

……………………….Mark Holbrook

  • NOTE:  Similar to a ‘real’ newspaper not reporting the names of sexual assault victims, the CCR does not report the names of Clowns.  After all, these individuals have already provided enough side-splitting mirth to the community via campaign trail ravings or imbecilic blog postings.