the Controversial Committee Report
“We don’t raise sacred cows...we just butcher them.”
Hopefully by now, all Irving royal watchers have marked May 22, 2014 on their calendar (Geezer) or posted the date to their iPhone (Yuppie). And if you have been living under a rock (like the huge one Herbie must now be hiding under), this is the date for the formal coronation of QueenB VD at Castle City Hall.
The date is set and the invitations have been posted. Haven’t received yours yet? Try sending an e-mail or tweet to the following address to see if yours could be in the mail: @irvingmayor; or bethforirving.com. (Nothing vain about those addresses.)
Yes, QueenB of the House of VD -- Protector of Misinformed Twits, The First of Her Name, Beth of the Colinas Canals, Breaker of All Photo Records, Queen of the Northern Realm, and Mother of Flying Harpies -- will officially be installed to a second term. (Apologies to the Game of Thrones’ dragon queen.)
The event promises to be a royal and gala fete carried on live TV worldwide. To additionally ensure coverage is totally saturated, 300 photographers will be documenting each and every activity of the event. However, the only press that will be allowed to cover the official proceedings will be a blind, mute and deaf reporter provided by the DMN. With this singular reporter attending the coronation, QueenB VD not only will extract revenge for a “grudging endorsement” (the words of one of her loyal subjects), but her magnificence will be portrayed as she dictates...for her egocentric public consumption. (Can you spell autocracy?)
The Mother Superior of Flying Harpy Bloggers will provide security for the event by circling Castle City Hall in attack mode for any “peons” attempting to crash the event. QueenB VD has issued a royal edict identifying peon status as: anyone who did not contribute to her campaign fund; conducted an event she attended and did not have a photographer available to capture the photo op for prosperity; failed to back one of her Pet Rocks in the recent or a prior election; issued any critical statement on a local blog or disputed her abilities to lead from behind; and those who would debate her spending an inordinate amount of tax tributes for trips outside the city, as folks attempt to determine how any of these trips benefit, or have relevant value to issues at Castle City Hall.
Seating for the coronation will be limited. Of course, the first two rows of pews will be reserved for all the Sugar Daddy contributors to QueenB VDs campaign fund. The Sugar Daddy procession will be led by Baron Ellis with Squire Simon seating the guest. Each Sugar Daddy has been recognized and officially installed by QueenB VD into the Order of the String for their $2,000 or more contribution. The short multi-colored string each donor wears on their lapel is symbolic of an actual string to be pulled when an issue arises and the queen moves to favorably manipulate the vote on behalf of the donor.
The coronation after party, for a very select few, will be held in a gigantic tent on the former Texas Stadium site. This is the parcel of city property where QueenB VD plans to have a Tennis Palace constructed for her summer leisure and the pleasure of select royal followers. Catering the coronation affair will be a fleet of gourmet food trucks traveling all the way from ‘beautiful downtown Irving‘ with gluttonous amounts of BBQ ribs, beef brisket, pinto beans, cole slaw and kegs and kegs of mead Coors beer. For entertainment: Court Jester and Screed Scribe Hackbarth will juggle non sequiturs, play his Martin lyre and sing his new paean “Remember When?” for the queen.
What would a royal event be without prizes and gifts for everyone? With all the money collected from peons, attendees will marvel at the queen’s generosity. Yes, each guest will go home with a royal tote bag filled with some of the queen’s favorites: a document for an ordinance, of your choice, to be enacted; season passes for court side seats at the new Tennis Palace; a signed ‘selfie’ of the queen and you at the coronation; and a royal ‘certificate of assurance’ that you will not be dismissed the next time she sees you.
Additionally, the queen will donate all tribute, given to her by attendees of the coronation, to seek cures for NPD (Narcissistic Personality Disorder) and AHD (Aloof Haughty Dismissiveness). And who, more than the queen, would want to see a cure found for causes so near and dear to her being?
And the grand prize for some lucky coronation attendee will be a seat in the queen’s court. To win this privilege, all one has to do is emulate QueenB VD by walking on water. And everyone of her subjects know how adept she is at performing this task! Required: If you can walk on water across the Castle City Hall moat, you’ll find yourself basking in luxury for the balance of your life. While this has never been accomplished at any past royal event, this could be the year it happens. Good luck!
(Note: Only the queen knows how she is able to accomplish this apperception by stepping on her Pet Rocks...which have been submerged in the moat’s water! This is the best use she has found, at this time, for these stones of her servitude.)
Irving is so fortunate to be the epicenter for such an opulent and dear leader. And to reflect her magnificence, she will pardon serfs who might have voted or voiced opposition against her royal accession. Her list of pardons might include: the DMN editorial staff should they pledge future fealty; individuals who attacked one of her Flying Harpies on a blog site; unconscious Geezers who petitioned for tax relief; those who did contribute, but not $2,000 or more, to her campaign fund; and Dylan Westie , Executive Editor and Part-time Wordsmith for the CCR, for being a genuine, registered SOB by taking adulation, attention, voter sympathy, massive free PR, and stealing the spotlight from her campaign by filing a petition for Mayor of Irving.
The final event of the royal coronation will feature all the esteemed guest standing in a circle, holding hands and loudly chanting the official QueenB VD mantra of loyalty: The queen is great. The queen is omnipotent. QueenB VD save god!
For the Record: Would a dear reader please inform Dar Hackbarth, loyal subject of the above queen, that while “Jonathan Swift O’Rourke” would not dare offer a comment on this missive, he would applaud the wordsmith for his exercise of that grand and wonderful right...freedom of speech. A right many would attempt, or like to trample and quash due to differing opinions. MH