Thursday, May 22, 2014

CCR 05-22-14: Royal Preview

the   Controversial  Committee   Report
“We don’t raise sacred cows...we just butcher them.”

     Being QueenB of the House of VD is a thankless job...except for all the photo ops.  However, now that all Irving serfs and peons have recognized the true ability of the queen to make it snow snow voters, it appears that she is on a fast track for creating a legacy (more realistically a myth) of her grandeur to coincide with her six-year collection of photos.  (Move over Ansel Adams gallery.)

     With this in mind, staff of the CCR was able to have a member of the royal court creep into the queen’s chambers to secretly make a copy of her list of upcoming regal dictates.   Now that the coronation activities are complete, she is ready to exercise her perceived powers along with the duplicity of her collection of Pet Rocks.

     Of course, the source obtaining this inflammatory list cannot be identified or they would be beheaded, which when considering working for the queen, is about the same punishment -- but without all the aloofness.

     While in the early days of the reign of QueenB VD, it appears serfs, peons and Pet Rocks will once again be treated to the haughty Cheshire cat grin with every flash of the camera.  Waving to the cameras with the same enthusiasm as Vanna White turning letters on “Wheel of Fortune,” the queen will only be dismissive of those who have not sworn fealty.

     Be prepared.  It will be a rocky royal carriage ride.  Here’s a preview of what to expect in the coming months. 

QueenB VD 
Personal Post-Coronation “MeDo” List 

  1.   Instruct new City Manager on official duties as queen’s footman.
  2.   Send a floral spray to the astute El Paso lady who welcomed their new city manager with a lapel boutonniere and her assessment of “leadership is not dictatorship” remarks.
  3.   Find a fresh spring creek for Pet Rocks to soak in while enjoying their public service hiatus as I handle everything at city hall.
  4.   Locate a new apothecary to handle any warranted prescription refills for NPD or AHD as Big State Drugs in ‘beautiful downtown Irving” was run out of business.
  5.   Raise the wage rate for my Court Jester/Screed Scribe for his circumlocution and penmanship on blogs.  (He writes just as I dictate.  What a loyal subject he is.)
  6.   Remove all the asses from the royal barn and designate the facility as the replacement headquarters for Flying Harpies.  No renovations are necessary for this personnel relocation due to the similar characteristics of animals using the facility.
  7.   Start the campaign for a Lady-in-Waiting to run against the thorn-in-my-side, anti-voter of all court business I want to have approved.
  8.   Promote my loyal head Pet Rock to Royal Seneschal-Rock as he does such a great job ensuring my dictates are carried out and enforced on all the other Pet Rocks.
  9.   Appoint and name my newest Pet Rock the Groomer of the Stool.*
  10.   Conduct interviews for a Head Steward to negotiate and seal the deal on my new Tennis Palace on the old Texas Stadium site.  (Remember to have my racquets restrung.)
  11.   Raze all structures and start construction of a moat around the entire Heritage District.  This will keep all of my wildlife from escaping the new royal zoo to be built for ‘beautiful downtown Irving.’
  12.   Refurbish a tower turret to house the Mother Superior of Flying Harpy bloggers.  This will allow her to have a ‘birds eye’ view on any subject speaking, writing or acting disparagingly of me.

     Irving serfs and peons who might have expected something different or a tad less self-serving with the installation of QueenB VD will soon awake to the new reality.  And if interested in what the end game or final outcome will be when this reign of self-importance concludes, read her autobiography “It’s All About Me” found in the new royal gift shop at city hall.

     Cost savings note: Water damaged copies of the queen’s autobiography, from the basement flooding of the new library, are on sale for half price.

………………………...Mark Holbrook

  • Before Flying Harpies take flight without knowing what they are attacking or talking about (a rare occurrence, indeed), they are advised to look up the definition of this court position.  Makes sense to us!  MH