Sunday, November 23, 2014

CCR 11-23-14: Red Sunday

the   Controversial  Committee   Report
“We don’t raise sacred cows...we just butcher them.”

   Don’t you just hate it when radio stations commence playing Xmas music all day long before the turkey is even carved on Thanksgiving Day?  

   And to add further insult to injury, if you don’t go out on Thanksgiving Day (Orange Thursday) to purchase a boatload of electronic or other non-essential gifts for distant family members — not seen or heard from since last Xmas — you are not a red blooded American citizen who cares about the economy, wasting money or buying this month’s iPhone upgrade.

   (And remember to arise early the next day to catch all the sales on Black Friday…those Golden Girls box sets won’t last long.)

   To counter this rampant commercialization — for a wonderfully sluggish and peaceful time of the year — Dylan Westie, Executive Editor and Part-time Wordsmith for the CCR, has decided to create the ultimate version of how to crash the Thanksgiving holiday period.  Crash…as in the sense of ruining it for a select group of Irving politicos.

   With payback in mind, for ruining his Thanksgiving holiday, Dylan plans to open and disclose all the Xmas gifts and post the New Year’s resolutions for Irving’s politicos.  Enjoy, as he is hiking his leg in excitement over his ability to outdo the spoilers of his bygone tradition of stuffing Cajun fried turkey down his gullet and becoming comatose when the NFL game starts on TV.

   Here are Dylan’s Xmas spoiler retaliations:

Xmas Gifts Disclosed
  • While not receiving the pony she wanted as a child, QueenB VD will be gifted a Tennis Center named in her honor.  The center will be called: The Queen’s Hive.  However, sadly for her, the center will be constructed on the Twin Wells golf course site to spur economic development in south Irving.
  • An enlarged, framed and signed photo of the ARK ground breaking for the Entertainment Center will be gift wrapped for QueenB VD to remind her of a missed photo op due to ‘being out of town.’  (The photo will be signed by all those who actually voted for the ARK project.)
  • The Queenly Suite of a new boutique hotel, constructed by ARK, will be permanently reserved for the exclusive use of QueenB VD for clandestine meetings, soirees, and conducting unofficial city business of in depth interviews for single source developers and potential ethics policy waivers for supporters approved by her Sugar Daddy string puller.
  • To enhance performing her regal duties, QueenB VD will receive signed copies of the new personnel management text by Ima N. Charge: "How to Put People in Their Place While Dictating and Blathering." (Copies of the book will anonymously be placed under her tree by city staff and non-Pet Rock council members.)
  • To ensure smoother running of the realm, all Pet Rocks will be gifted male hormone pills to counter the stress of fulfilling all the queen’s edicts.  (Don’t be surprised when some actually start to grow facial hair.)
  • Pet Rock Farris will be given the new board game, Clueless, to assist him when asking all of his inane questions.
  • Pet Rock Spink will be provided a deck of cards listing achievements concerning the city so he will have something to say at each and every council meeting to ward off EMT personnel thinking he may have lapsed into a non-functioning coma.
  • A very special gift will be delivered to non-Pet Rock(?) Danish.  He will have a year’s supply of Torofeca filters to help clear the council chambers of all his non-sequitur verbosity during meetings.
  • New from the Hammacher Schlemmer catalog, Pet Rock(?) Ward will receive a pair of tweezers to use to remove all the splinters from his posterior caused by sitting on the fence and trying to decide which side to jump down on…follow queenly edicts or do what is right for the city.
  • Council meetings should be a bit more entertaining as Pet Rock LaMorgese will be receiving a ventriloquist dummy.  The dummy will make it now appear all the queen’s talking points, on her issues and proposals, are not emanating from his mouth…unless he moves his lips.  (Chuckles galore are promised for those in attendance at all future council meetings.)

New Year’s Resolutions Revealed
  • QueenB VDs major resolution is to maintain and steadily follow her MeMe Diet of: increasing the choleric burn of browbeating city staff members and non-Pet Rocks; daily workouts on her My-Strident Cycle; receive additional coaching in contemptuous glaring at non-followers or those making suggestions which are contrary to her wants; and drinking a strong compound mixture of herbs, spices and ego supplements to ward off any chances of her possible NPD weakening. 
  • All Pet Rocks on the city council resolve to never question the motives or actions the queen might take, but to just blindly follow her dictates with bowed heads.
  • Likewise, non-Pet Rocks will resolve to doing what is right for the city and attempt to avoid attacks by the Mother Superior of Flying Harpies and her flock as directed by the queen. 
  • City staff resolves to grin and bear any verbal abuse emanating from the queen with visions of sugar plums and gingerbread men dancing after the 2016 council elections.

   For those who might have been wishing for a happy and prosperous holiday season, this will not occur until the silent majority decides to roll out of the La-Z-Boy and become actively involved in affairs of the city.  Just voting in elections does not resolve all of the problems and issues confronting a city which is slowly becoming the laughing stock of the metropolitan area under the current purported "leadership."

   The autocracy of QueenB VD, currently strangling city governance, will only lead to more and more negative opinions being formed by outsiders for Irving’s misdirected leadership.  And for those non-believers of this occurrence, just ask some of the businesses attempting to do good things for the city and having to overcome hurdles planted in the way of genuine progress by QueenB VD and her Pet Rock contingency.

   And this, dear reader, is how Dylan will spoil the holiday season better than the Grinch stealing QueenB VDs next photo op.

   Note: Just in case staff of the CCR has difficulty recovering before Xmas from the self-induced tryptophan comma of Thanksgiving turkey, Dylan wants to wish all readers a: Ho, Ho, Ho…Have A Warm and Fuzzy Holiday.  

……………….………..Mark Holbrook