Thursday, February 12, 2015

CCR 02-12-15: 50 Shades of...Depression?

the   Controversial  Committee   Report
“We don’t raise sacred cows...we just butcher them.”

   Consider this another first for staff of the CCR.  Yes, the following is not a regular report, but a book review.  Listen literary-breath, we always aim to please with these missives.  And if you are too narrow minded to understand the undercurrent of what now supposedly passes as a moralistic society, then set your time machine back to the Victorian age. 

   Yes, the Hollywood septic tank of sleaze will flood local theaters this weekend screening E. L. James’ movie, the first of her trilogy series, "50 Shades of (insert your own perverted fantasy depiction)."  

   Expect Al Gore to confirm this flick as causing global warming through out the United States.  Reports have him sweating profusely, upon leaving his local theatre, which had nothing to do with his eating ghost pepper nachos. 

   As a public service, we wanted to be one leap ahead of the folks with puerile and poor taste in literature by reviewing the second tome James penned, "50 Shades of BDSM-NPD."  What makes this review important is the inspiration used was Irving’s mayor.  Now how classy can that be?  And when it comes to class and photo ops, who you gonna’ trust to lead the pack?

   Since Dylan Westie, Executive Editor and Part-time Wordsmith for the CCR, has a reading and comprehension level equal to a 3rd grader, who better fits the bill for this book review?  While the review is entirely his, we did have to explain some of the more graphic words, events and depictions contained in this provocative non-romance novel.  After all, Dylan’s current state of hormonal excitement is triggered by chasing feral cats and wondering if he will be missing any additional body parts after his next Vet visit. 

   So, dear readers of the reports, here are Dylan’s CliffsNotes™ for "50 Shades of BDSM-NPD."  Dylan also noted how the book, with a plot even a neutered canine binging on Pup-Peroni® could understand, just seemed to accurately track events and secretive activities emanating in ‘beautify downtown Irving.’

   For those who might have to take high blood pressure medications, staff of the CCR recommends you not read the following book review.  After all, we have been accused of many things in the past, but causing cardiac arrest over a book review would not be one we would want added to the list of our literary transgressions.

   If ready, let’s pull the sheets down and expose:

  A Book Review: 50 Shades of BDSM-NPD
  • Tingle as QueenB VD demonstrates public exhibitionism by leaping and parachuting from a Red Bull® airplane.
  • Cringe as Pet Rocks are placed in bondage in the Tower of Obedience for not following dictates when they included ‘grandfathers’ in the smoking ordinance swapping.
  • Feel debased as the queen openly teases earthquake whiners in a public forum while red T-shirt wearers offer no-nicotine lap dances.
  • Listen to the deep throat conversations between the queen and Pet Rocks as they set-up unsuspecting single source developers with spiked Kool-Aid to force them into submission of taking property tax rebates/deferrals.
  • See the revealing pictures of Nike® tennis wear fashion designed for the queen to wear at her Tennis Center on the old Texas Stadium site.
  • Anticipate the steamy joy as the queen has a rendezvous at the Whistle Stop depot looking for love a cold brew and singing cowboy who has no conflict of interest.
  • Unwind as the queen recites her council dominance-traits to appreciative voyeurs at the State of the Realm address.
  • Feel the shame and scorn as the queen derides those not believing her revised ethics policy can burn calories in the dark.
  • Quiver as the queen sadistically chastises councilman Webb for making eye contact while delivering his spot-on "the king queen has no clothes on" oratory.
  • Observe the triangle of submission with OliverMcMillan and Hines Reality as they plat the queen’s new and improved Bacchanal-realm.

   Unfortunately, Dylan’s notes concluded at this point as he was frothing, at the mouth, like he had been bitten by a rabid squirrel.  And that’s a shame, since he still had forty more shades to document and color.

   Without a doubt, this second bordello novel by James will garner as much attention as the first seemed to manage…causing one to wonder when the written word fell into the slimy world of glorified abusiveness against women.  
…………………………Mark Holbrook