Friday, February 6, 2015

CCR 02-06-15: Brian Williams + CCR = Spot On

the   Controversial  Committee   Report
“We don’t raise sacred cows...we just butcher them.”

   Always wanting to ensure the accuracy of CCR reports, staff reached out to Brian Williams, NBC Nightly News, to cover a recent Irving City council work session.  This meeting was the one where QueenB VD attempted to con and circumvent the entire city council by proposing a total citywide smoking ban be enacted via having an "election."

   Knowing QueenB VD sometimes has issues with the local media’s coverage of her photo op sessions and meeting details, the CCR wanted a competent, trustworthy, and respected journalist to handle this thorny assignment.  And who better than Brian Williams would fit this description?  (Readers, please refrain from snickering.)  

    Following is Brian Williams’ report.  And if staff of the CCR has to be modest, this report should garner him another and the CCR their first…Peabody Award.

February 4, 2015: Dateline Irving, TX

   Brian Williams:  Good evening.  I’m reporting from ‘beautiful downtown Irving’ on an issue that pits elected officials against the queen of the realm, QueenB VD.  The queen wants a total smoking ban imposed on the city, whereas the ad hoc committee she appointed wants to grandfather several businesses currently operating legally under the city’s ordinance.   

   And this grandfathering action would not comply with dictates QueenB VD issued to Pet Rocks she placed on the committee.  So, she is now insisting voters should decide what is rightfully a decision the entire city council should make.  In the queen’s opinion, this is a simple issue, but she is having to deal with simple minds.

   The agenda item is on the table for discussion and the queen is waxing, not so eloquently, as to why her dictates should be enforced…while adding the other eight elected members of the council are just whiny simpletons who don’t know what is best for her.

QueenB VD: Listen, I’ve heard voices.  Loud voices.  Screeching voices.  And all the people behind those voices wear red T-shirts.  Just because you cannot hear or see them is no reason not to follow my dictates.  You just have to believe and trust in me.  Every place I travel, the voices state: "Please QueenB, mandate a total smoking ban and we’ll give you a red T-shirt."  Really, would I ever prevaricate or do anything in this city to specifically promote, pimp or politicize an issue for my personal self-aggrandizement?  Would I?

Councilman Webb:  You’re kidding right?  This whole issue has been about you wanting to get your way.  I was elected to serve the people of Irving, not a self-designated figurine of royalty.  As far as I’m concerned, we will push the ad hoc committee recommendations forward and let the council decide and vote.  We know this wasn’t what you want, but this is what we are going to do.  You’ll just have to tell all your voices and red T-shirt folks, many who do not even live in Irving, that five votes will determine the handling of smoking/non-smoking in Irving.  And that’s the way this Marlboro® butt is going to be extinguished!

Brian Williams:  Oh my god!  This last remark by Webb just kicked QueenB VDs royal hive across the room and it exploded with a swarm of angry bees attacking her.  Her mane flipping is not even enough to keep the bees from delivering stinging blows…now covering over 80% of her body.

   OUCH!  And a bunch of the bees have just stung me.  (Ha, ha! This last comment is for my Worker’s Comp claim and the book I’ll write about the great smoking ban showdown in Irving, Texas.  I even poked my face with my red edit pen to make it look like bee stings.) 

   The EMTs are now attending to QueenB VD who has gone into an anaphylaxis coma.  She is breathing and seething all at the same time.  Paramedics are administering an antigen and the queens eyes are starting to flutter.

EMT:  This should bring her out of it.  The only side-effect is the antigen doesn’t quell or abate NPD tendencies.  She’ll be back, to her usual and less than norman self, in about three minutes.  (Side note: That’s bee sting swelling on her lips, not Botox.)

Councilman Danish:  While we are waiting, here’s a little know history lesson.  I once rode on a bus with Rosa Parks.

Councilman Farris:  Before the queen awakens, I’d like to deliver my ‘both sides of the fence’ statement: I like referendum votes, but I want to vote as a council member on the smoking ordinance so the audience will see and hear me dance around the issue with steps even Fred Astaire couldn’t match.  See, I’m voting proof single source developers are not the only ones who can speak out of both sides of their mouth. 

Councilman Ward:  Well, the queen isn’t going to like this when she revives, but she certainly hasn’t properly characterized the wording for this agenda item as it was discussed with me.  Maybe the bee stings will refresh her memory.

Councilman Spink:  Give me liberty or give me a referendum!  I cannot abandon the queen in her dire hour of need.  And we should all agree…she is needy.  Is there any Kool-Aid left in that pitcher?

QueenB VD:  (Queen regains consciousness and the chamber is empty as her Chief Pet Rock, LaMorgese, has adjourned the meeting.) Well, this is a relief.  For a few moments, I dreamed the council was going to do an end run on me and bring the smoking ordinance, with the ad hoc committee recommendations, back to the next council meeting for an up or down vote.  I’ll check on all this later as I need to hurry to my next photo op.  
   A new tennis ball color is being introduced by Nike® which matches my nail polish.  These colors also will be stunning in my suite after I ensure the Pet Rocks approve my single source developer for the Tennis Center on the old Texas Stadium site.  Now, where is my carriage driver?

Brian Williams:  Well, NBC Nightly News viewers, that’s a wrap from ‘beautiful downtown Irving.’   Just remember this.  When I’m on the lecture and speaking circuit, a few additional details might be added to this account to provide a bit of spice and color.  Look, I’m only attempting to entertain an audience with my heroic deeds of covering disasters in the making.  I don’t just read the nightly news, I make the news…up!

……………………………..Mark Holbrook

  Note:  A totally different perspective and factual account of the council work session meeting, with final results, can be accessed by clicking on the following article: DMN, Avi Selk, 02-05-15.