Wednesday, May 13, 2015

CCR 05-13-15 KIBB Wants You

the   Controversial  Committee   Report
“We don’t raise sacred cows...we just butcher them.”

   Dylan Westie, Executive editor and Part-time wordsmith for the CCR, has been assigned an additional title…Social Media Troll.  With his new title, he will establish a FaceBook account like Irving has never witnessed.

   Staff of the CCR believe this is an important assignment due to the considerable amount of constant chatter, blathering and posting of non-consequential information regarding the Irving political landscape on a local FaceBook blog.  However, during his initial foray into the pits of local blogs, he observed one blog he wanted to use as a model for his new social media presence.

   With a strong and demonstrated template of verbal bullying already working on an Irving FaceBook page, Dylan decided to make his blog even more exclusive.  And to be more exclusive, he planned to recruit only the best folks from the another blog to complement his new page.

   Staff of the CCR is proud to launch Dylan Westie’s FaceBook blog page:
KIBB (Keep Irving Biased and Bigoted)

   Since many bloggers from the other FaceBook blog already possess the required qualifications, to be accepted on KIBB, the following details will alert outsiders who might want to join the antics of skewering citizens with differing opinions on Dylan’s blog.

Required Qualifications for Joining KIBB
   To be accepted and able to post on KIBB, one must meet at least nine of the following standards: Profess to be a White Christian (backsliders and hypocrite church visitors earn extra favor) with no tolerance for other religions or races; Photograph of your great-grandfather on horseback wearing a cone-shaped-hooded hat designating him as a member of the Knights of the Krimson Kross; Certificate signed and sealed by QueenB VD noting Flying Harpy status as a genuine venom spewer; Attest to the fact any person of color is either an illegal alien or Muslim; Ability to fabricate facts and data from fresh Torofeca while smiling; Card carrying member of the new political party ordained by god and open to all misanthropes — Party Tea; Accept the premise that all Democrats lie and only Republicans know where the Holy Grail is located; Believe the electoral system is fair and balanced when your favorite PAC buys the candidate of your choice; Accept QueenB VD favoring special interest groups and single source developers…especially when they are given tax deferrals/rebates or infrastructure developments; Never leave home without a sack of stones to hurl at any same sex couple encountered; Sworn affidavit from your family physician stating you have not taken your prescribed medications for three months; Believe separation of church and state only applies to others’ religious tenets…especially if they are not from one of the two ‘chosen’ politically-infested Irving churches; Support QueenB VDs personal vendettas against those developers who have not sworn total fealty; When home alone, you only hear "Irving Voices" in your head; You want to join "Irving Opportunity Council," to assist in buying a council member, but do not have the required donation fee for membership; Have an exact replica of the 2nd Amendment tattooed on your neck. 

Why Posting to KIBB Is Beneficial
   As a poster on KIBB, you will soon discover: You do not have to deal with other FaceBook trolls who just don’t understand your harsh, insulting rhetoric; The number of "likes" for all of your posts will skyrocket; Easy targets of hate and discontent (other blog sites, DMN, Irving’s reporter of record, council members who do not kowtow to your rhetoric, etc.) are always available for your slings and arrows; No factual information is required to prove any misguided point recorded; Hearsay and rumor are high standards and can be incorporated into your postings with no questions asked; Those who are "all knowing" about "everything" and "never wrong" under any circumstance or with any opinion will be your posting mates; Able to attacking someone personally works for not having reliable information to prove your point; You never have to worry about your fellow posters questioning your sanity or grammar as they are in the same boat with you; QueenB VD needs assistance in diverting discussions on critical issues while she handles all the more important city matters — i.e.: photo ops; Tea parties with "Bogus-gate Complaint" Anderson and "Squeaky" Rinaldi; clandestine meetings with single source developers; planning sessions with her "$8,5000 consultant" on how to buy elections to increase her Pet Rock collection; fiercely campaigning for a council member who clearly had demonstrated a lack of honesty and integrity to the citizens of Irving.

What Joining KIBB Will Guarantee
   All transfers from the ‘other’ FaceBook blog and new members will be recognized and provided with: A gentle pat on the head from QueenB VD at one of her royal receptions; Receive a free packet of mushroom dust to sprinkle in your Tea recognizing your first post; Billboard size-poster selfie of you and Ted Cruz to pin on your bedroom ceiling; Assigned to a task force to work toward having the Dallas Morning News bought by the Party Tea Press…to ensure the ‘right’ message is always promoted in Irving; Free tickets to the annual Easter "Keeping Issues Alive" pageant and cross-nailing of non-believers/followers; Workshops which will stress honesty and integrity are not important when attempting to re-elect lying politicos; Freedom to trash or smear any candidate you don’t like or will not be voting for; Written guarantee for all your posts which covers any potential restraining orders, or slander/libel concerns. 

   Are you what KIBB is looking for to help spread the message of misinformation, fealty to QueenB VD and Torofeca across ‘beautiful downtown Irving?’  Ready to join clones of irrational thinking just like you?  Willing to have businesses think twice about coming to Irving due to the council backing resolutions which divide the city?

   Ask to be  accepted as a "friend" on KIBB now!  You are the blogger we are looking for.

   When the number of KIBB bloggers reaches 666 our "Plan B,"  to buy the Dallas Morning News, will be implemented.

   KIBBs plan is to have Party Tea Press buy the Dallas Morning News so we can: fire all the insipid reporters who do not write what we want written like we want it written; pinhead editors who cannot spell ‘news’ spotted the n-e-w- ; and other news lackeys who do not understand and accept our philosophy of — we are right.  Yes, on KIBB we are always right. And the DMN just doesn’t know how right we are.

   In fact, we are so right…Ted Cruz looks like a progressive.

   Now, if KIBB cannot go steps beyond what that ‘other’ local FaceBook blog managed to do, then there is just not enough room for real bias and bigotry in ‘beautiful downtown Irving.’

…………………………….Mark Holbrook