the Controversial Committee Report
“We don’t raise sacred cows...we just butcher them.”
Discovery #2: Vultures
I recently discovered that…not all Vultures can fly when seeking prey for substance.
And this is why:
Most individuals are familiar with the circling a wake of Vultures forms over wounded or deceased prey. The keen sense of vision and smell informs these Vultures the time is near to prepare for feasting. And when the time does arrive, the wake of Vulture will swoop down to gnaw, pick, and devour its prey to the bone.
However, most individuals fail to realize there are wakes of Vultures which cannot fly. True fact.
These Vultures generally drive around towns in expensive SUVs, or top of the line flashy automobiles. Some are even so proud of their membership in a Vulture wake that a magnetic sign is affixed to their vehicle doors.
Yes, dear readers, these Vultures generally are not your friendly neighborhood realtor, but rather realtors and supposedly home investors who start circling above your abode when a parent, spouse, or close family member passes.
Sharpening their beaks on county record information — regarding estate filings, or pending probate actions — these Vultures begin sending disingenuous letters expressing sorrow for your loss, but in reality they want you to know they are hoping you will contact them to sell your home. Really? Who even said your home was for sale?
Of course, you’ll not just receive one or two of these letters from a Vulture, but rather a superabundance of them. Research has also proven these Vultures also experience a sense of urohydrosis with each unsolicited letter they send.
Sometimes, three or four letters will appear in your mailbox each day. And this goes on for weeks on end. All the letters delivered soon create a stench in your mailbox which causes your postal delivery person to report the foul odor to the CDC.
Using nearly comical marketing tricks, the Vultures attempt to make their letters seem genuine and personal by: using a script font on a sheet of paper pretending to be torn from a notebook; small cards designed to appear as sympathetic in nature; and long self-aggrandizing letters extolling their sales skills…with no regard for a tragic loss.
If you haven’t experienced this obnoxious sales pitch from a Vulture, then check with a friend or relative who may have been on the receiving end of these unsavory sales pitches.
While there is no legal or ethical process available to curtail this personal intrusion, there is one method which was recently created to ensure Vultures realized their sham and lack of decency was noted.
If you should find yourself having to deal with a wake of Vultures, then mail the following note and attach it to their dishonest letter. Returning the letter to them will be well worth the cost of the stamp. And the fact Vultures are two rungs below an ambulance chasing lawyer makes the mailing even more satisfying.
Here’s your sample mailing to respond to a Realtor-Vulture:
Dear Vulture:
1. My home is not for sale.
2. I can assure you I would never sell my home to a blood-sucking Vulture-Realtor, or Investment stooge who preys on those still working through a grieving process.
However, if you do not meet the above qualifications, I might consider selling the home (appraised value = insert figure) to you for only $7.5M in cash.
Sincerely,
(your name here)
While this note will not stop other Vultures from sending faux letters of concern for your loss, it just may flip the switch of understanding — in pea-sized brains — that the practice being pursued, with these letters, reeks of dishonesty and hypocritical verbiage. And that’s just a fairly nice way to note the repugnant issue created by the Vultures.
However, should you actually find the need to sell your home, the best resolution would be to contact a local realtor in your community. Pick one you know, or one which a friend or associate has used, or highly recommends.
Chances are, your local realtor will not be part of a wake of Vultures who lack honesty, sincerity, and general concern for your welfare.
There are still realtors meeting these admirable qualities in the real estate business, so use one of them.
…………………………………….Mark Holbrook
Ringtail Productions Limited
LAWYER STUFF: Dylan’s Ruffings, the Controversial Committee Report, ZAP! and the O-file are published by Mark Holbrook who everyone knows -- except for a couple apathetic slugs whose IQ equals their shoe size -- is Mike Howard. Any reference to persons deceased is purely out of respect. For those still living, draw your own conclusions. Get in line if you want to sue or complain. Better yet, call someone who might really care. Letters written must meet at least one of the following criteria: humorous, cat kicking, or not libelous. Simple requirements for simple readers...that’s our philosophy. “Cool and the Geezer” is syndicated by Ringtail Productions Limited and all rights are reserved. The CCR and ZAP! are printed and issued only when local political idiocy becomes laughable. Permission is granted to copy, fax, or e-mail this report to a friend, associate, or someone you really don’t like. The “candid” conversation reports have been injected with fabricated nouns, verbs, conjunctions, adverbs, modifiers and maybe a few dangling participles. All previous reports, butchered sacred cows and blog responses are posted at:
First “cat kicked” in 1984 Contact: markholbrook13@yahoo.com September 20, 2019
